Saturday, January 17, 2009

We Interrupt This Already Scheduled SportsCenter... show you LeBron James miss a potential game winner!

The only thing saving us from NFL weekend playoff analysis, by anyone with a heartbeat who has ever seen a football in their life, is LeBron James doing anything and it being analyzed during everyone's one hour of sports highlights every night.

I know we aren't used to seeing spherical leather balls on SportsCenter, so allow me to give you all a little help in understanding this deluge of LeBron coverage.

"LeBron's Basketball IQ"
"Look at LeBron space the floor even when he doesn't have the ball. He is opening up shots for his teammates."
Translation: LeBron is standing 8 feet behind the three point line, not to space the floor, but to throw up a "heat check" three pointer.

"LeBron's Winning Instincts"
"Watch LeBron here as he takes over in the fourth quarter with a steal and a thunderous slam"
Translation: LeBron just ripped the ball out of Delonte West's hand, took a hesitation dribble just past half court and took 4 steps before dunking on the camera crew. For those who haven't seen professional basketball in a while, the rules have been changed to allow two extra steps if you take a hesitation dribble. Whatever that is.

LeBron's Record Setting Season
"LeBron becomes the youngest player to reach 10,000 points"
Translation: LeBron James becoms the youngest player to have his name said 10,000 times during televised NBA games, as called by Doug Collins. Kobe held the previous record.

"LeBron's Versatility"
Cleveland Goes Small, Plays LeBron At Center
Translation: Cleveland thins out its camera crew, leaving only one cameraman. This camera is to be fixated on LeBron at all times. On the court, on the bench, at a Cowboys game...ALL TIMES.

"LeBron's Finishing"
LeBron nails a big one from the corner, fans go home happy
Translation: LeBron bites off a big pesky fingernail while sitting on the bench, near the corner of the court. Fans go home happy.

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