Simple Math and Exploding Heads

We all know the classic math problem "If train A leaves Chicago traveling 100MPH and train B leaves New York traveling 150MPH and the distance between the two cites is 600 miles how far from New York will it be when the two trains meet?" Not many of us could rattle off the answer but somewhere along the line we have used the first part of it as a joke, which was probably unsuccessful unless you wear your pants somewhere between your bellybutton and your nipples.

Now I would like to alter a couple things. Train A isn't leaving Chicago, its leaving Cleveland. Train B isn't leaving New York but rather its leaving Mississippi. On those trains are the futures of LeBron and Brett Favre. And once again, this summer, they will be battling for Bottom Line Dominance*.

This is where heads are going to explode. Those heads being in Ohio, Minnesota, New York, New Jersey, Illinois, Florida, Toronto (assuming Chris Bosh and the Raptors can crack the crack the top 5 in Canadian popularity) and especially in Bristol, CT. Nobody is going to know what to do with themselves as both parties speculate about their future. It will be a battle fought in the sky with multiple helicopters, on the ground (I wonder if Rachel Nicholes will be the first person to broadcast live from two locations, simultaneously) and in the sea (at least I hope...there aren't enough news boats out there). I predict that we see the inception of LeBronCenter and FavreCenter as a result of the ensuing spotlight battle during the forthcoming summer.

We can pretty much pencil in Favre as the QB for the VIkings next year. LeBron becomes a little tougher to pin down (we all know the lack of income tax in Florida has got to be alluring) but there isn't as much mystery around it as there once was. And we can all rest assured that there will be no lack of coverage as these two trains approach their destinations.

*Bottom Line Dominance (or BLD) is attained when a news story dominates ESPN's Bottom Line sports ticker. Examples include Tiger, Brett Favre and his retirements, and the upcoming NBA free agent class.

Spike Woolridge Already On Offseason Favre Watch

The AP reported late Sunday night that Spike Woolridge, a writer for sports/music blog The Black Converse, is already looking forward to a long and fruitful offseason of Favre-ian Will He/Won't He speculation.

Woolridge Makes Favre Concessions

Catching up with blogger and known Favre-averse sports fan Spike Woolridge after his lunch yesterday, TMZ is reporting that Woolridge may have admitted a few things:

- he has enjoyed watching Favre, kind of like he always did once all the offseason junk ended.
- he can't wait to see Favre at Lambeau. He knows it's cliche and bandwagon. He couldn't care less.
- he may or may not have Favre on his fantasy team. #3 behind Roethlisberger and McNabb, but still...
- the Panang Chicken might be taking the Massaman Beef's place as "dish you want your taste buds to taste last."

Unlike Favre, Woolridge Sticking To His Guns

"Still fresh out of damns," Woolridge tersely offered when asked for a comment on this pile of recycled fecal matter. "Perhaps you can get more out of Charlie T."

The Real Story of LeBron James This Summer

We have all seen The Skulls and wondered if they really do all the weird initiations that the movie portrays. The nation was obsessed with The DaVinci Code and its tales of secret societies. And lets not forget about NBA referees and all the "coincidences" around Playoff games. Bottom line is, we all believe in conspiracies and secret societies, we're just not sure to what extent they exist. The Black Converse has been granted this exclusive tell-all about the biggest conspiracy you never knew.

One the King Of Pop (and the King of Media) passed away, it was time for the Media Moguls (this is the name for the secret society that these rich people belong to) to pick an heir. They didn't want to build someone from scratch and have to turn him into an anime character like last time. Plus, it was becoming harder and harder to make the front page meaning the antics had to get more and more ridiculous So they needed a fresh start, but they also needed someone who was already on his way. It was the perfect storm.

So they invited LeBron James to their secret meeting in Idaho. He had just come off an MVP season. He was making every reporter stand at attention anytime he put on a Yankees hat or even opened his mouth. He was on his way to finishing up in a mid-major media market on his way to the biggest one in the world. It was almost too perfect.

Some were still skeptical. He was too young. He was a child phenom. Would he have the same problems as his predecessor? Would he try and take matters into his own hands? But this wasn't a one horse race. There was another down in Mississippi with all the right moves. They would need to put them to the test.

So it was on. A battle for media buzz. The King Of Akron versus the King Of The Unretirement.

One continued to set deadlines for an announcement while the other turned a piece of seaweed into Loch Ness Monster. While the debating went on for weeks as to who was more ready to be the Heir, there was no debate as to how easy it was for them to grab the headlines with something so meaningless.

As of our print deadline, the decision had not been made. The Media Moguls were still locked inside their all-inclusive resort with no smoke rising out of the chimney yet. I suspect they will make an announcement soon, but not before they've ridden both these horses to the death, and then beat them with a stick.

BREAKING NEWS! It's official: Spike Woolridge is all out of damns.

Just minutes ago, Spike Woolridge shocked the blog/sports/useless news community when he came out of nowhere to announce what he called his "total apathy and inability to give even the smallest damn about Brett Favre's decision."

"I'm just tired. Spent. I don't have anymore to give to this decision," he mourned. TMZ and ESPN soothsayers had been teeter-tottering for days about which way Woolridge would finally lean. But the news is now official and Woolridge is over it.

One media source criticized Woolridge's timing, "Mr. Woolridge clearly made a play to one-up Chris Brown's announcement yesterday, Brett Favre's continuing saga, and the death of a true newsmaker, Walter Cronkite. For such things, Woolridge can only be labeled a LaToya Level Opportunist, a coward, and King of the F-List." Brutal.

Other sources have sensed the public's relief that the drawn-out process is over. "I'm just glad he finally took a side," posted Oklahoma City resident and sports blogger ThunderStruck405, "Now I can really focus on the exciting developments with the actual Brett Favre story."

Woolridge has been put on bedrest after an understandably strenuous, exhausting few days.

Charlie T. Sees Draft Of Announcement

This morning, Charlie T. Hustle- while posting his latest album box score on The Black Converse- reported to an unnamed source that he "thinks (he) saw a draft of Woolridge's announcement" in the New Post section of the blog Mr. Hustle and Mr. Woolridge co-write.

"It was a work in progress. We don't really step on each other's toes too much," said Mr. Hustle, "When Spike's ready, you'll know. I mean, come on, this is just Spike being Spike."

Woolridge: No comment about Jerry Rice's comment about Brett Favre

Please make it stop. This is not news.

Woolridge camp: no response to rumors about purported caring/not caring about Favre's decision

It's been eerily quiet today when it comes to Team Spike Woolridge. While rumors and sources have been swirling, no one has heard anything from the Woolridge camp, either confirming or denying the leaks and even Woolridge's purported off-the-record statement. What can this mean? Only time will tell.

Woolridge, off the record, says, well, he might care; not out of the question

But it was off the record. The announcement will really tell all.

Source Says: Other Source Indicates Woolridge Leaning Towards NOT Caring About Favre's Decision

Calling from last night's free Black Keys show in Salt Lake City, a source- who spoke on condition of anonymity- reported that another source who also spoke on condition of anonymity (as well as on condition of a hot dog and beer bribe) has heard that Spike Woolridge will likely not care about Brett Favre's impending decision. The source emphasized, "anything can happen with Spike," but was pretty sure that Woolridge would choose apathy. Stay tuned here for the actual announcement.

BREAKING NEWS: Spike Woolridge Delays Announcement of Whether Or Not He Cares About Favre's Decision

This Just In: Spike Woolridge To Announce At Noon Whether He Cares About Favre's Decision

Today, Spike Woolridge is expected to weigh in on his interest/apathy/sympathy for Brett Favre's decision about whether to stay retired/re-retire/unretire. Sources anticipate that Woolridge will announce his stance today, as previously announced, at noon MST.

Spike Woolridge To Decide By July 16 Whether He Cares About Favre's Decision

Gone are the days of breaking stories. Now, we're just breaking the breaking of stories. Or breaking when the story will break. This is ridiculous and, more importantly, not news.