Memo to Bristol: Naming

ESPN, I have a couple of ideas for you. Free of charge. This time.

So, I had a couple of ideas for spinoff channels, you know, like ESPN2, ESPNews, ESPNClassic. That kind of thing.

How about:

THESPN



For sports' greatest actors. All flopping, all the time. Great programming like Roundtable featuring former refs and Oscar winners discussing the classics, The Daily Flop hosted by Vlade Divac, Flop House (a reality show where famous floppers live in a house together for a month), and more. Occasionally, THESPN could show movies featuring actors, like Wilt in Conan The Barbarian, Kareem in Airplane, Mhuresan in My Giant, (What is it with centers? Are they better actors? More teachable? Able to lend a hand to the D.P.?) and Xavier McDaniel in Singles.

Also it only runs commercials features sports stars.

Or

TRESPN

Like the fashion channel for jocks. Experts discuss current trends in sports hair on Mane Event, makeover shows abound like Extreme Jock Makeover (hosted by John Amaechi, Erin Andrews, and Isaac Mizrahi), NBA Draft Fashion Police, The Uniform Unit (a drama featuring the other Bacon brother, Master P, and Dikembe Mutombo trying to get to the bottom of historically bad NBA logos and uniforms), and more.

BYNUM: BEST LAKERS CENTER EVER?

For a media base that's just been foaming at the mouth to coronate Andrew Bynum, last night's 42 points will at long last give them what they need. Let's hope they can show some restraint.

Kareem who? You mean the guy who used to be called Chris Jackson and had Tourette's?

Wilt? The guy in Conan the Barbarian? Come on. Could that guy even score?

I hate to tell you, Laker faithful, but Bynum is still sitting on the Vlade Mezzanine.