Offseason Notes NOT Having To Do With The Douchecision

Some offseason notes:

– I am taking a little too much pleasure in watching the douchiness of T-Mac manifest itself this offseason. The Utah Bulls, er, Chicago Jazz, er, Chicago Bulls had a private workout with His WashedUpNess this week and, to hear Tracy talk about it, the Bulls front office was licking its chops about stumbling onto such an under-the-radar catch. These quotes encapsulate the magic dust he's sprinkling around. “Without me, without Boozer, they’re a .500 ball club,” McGrady said. Wow. Any quote that makes me defensive of Carlos Boozer deserves bold italics and a few extra vacation days. I can't wait til the Clippers sign him.

– In a related note, this is a fun offseason for Former Insanely Talented Alphas like AI and Shaq. The fact that some team is going to have to talk themselves into one of the game's top 2 or 3 most dominant centers ever (not anymore but still. Kareem got contracts when he could barely John McCain his goggles.) is a little sad to me. The bright side is: Pros vs Joes is always looked for some extra legitimacy and the combined MVPs, points, and NBA Finals appearances are legit.

– Also, The Utah Bulls. What the Bulls front office, in picking up Boozer & Korver & Brewer (who I miss the most, in spite of his complete inability to hit a jumper), is saying is: we believe Rose > Deron Williams. They are assembling, essentially, the same cast around Rose as Williams had. Now, Chicago fans, let's not carried away about Joakim Noah. Yes, I would take him on my team. No, he is not an elite big man. He and Memo Okur (who has one more all-star appearance than Noah) essentially cancel each other out, though I'm willing to admit that Noah's hustle is a plus. Luol Deng? A wild card of the same type as, oh, Andrei Kirilenko. Everybody KNOWS he's good. But what are you getting from him game to game, month to month? I think it's very interesting that the Bulls believe in the '08 Jazz that much. I did too, though, so I can't really hold it against them.

– The Laker Upgrade. Miami gets the most ink. But the defending champs upgraded, in my opinion, to an insane degree. A tough, mix-it-up guy who can knock down equal amounts of superstars & shots in Matt Barnes. A PG upgrade (though the WNBA has a handful of PGs who would be an improvement over Farmar) in Steve Blake. And some more size (as if they were lacking) in Theo Ratliff, who- for the sake of this bullet point- I talked myself into. Still the team to beat.

– Chris Paul. Wah. You're an amazing talent stuck on a team in transition. Your friends are all teaming up to try to gang their way to rings. You also signed a contract. I'm sure there's a gun to your head everytime you cash those million-dollar checks. Sack up. Whiny multimillionaire athletes kill me.

– The Jazz, to avoid D-Will pulling a Kobe/Chris Paul, have made some moves– Jefferson, Bell, Hayward. They aren't Miami-level or Steal Gasol For Nothing level, but they are decent. As a Jazz fan, I'm happy to see something happen that includes Boozer taking his talents/attitude/entitlement elsewhere and guys who want to kill themselves for D-Will onto the court. Hearing D-Will tell Jefferson he's gonna make him an All-Star made me really happy.

– Portland can suck it. Just because their "top tier, first round" talent can't stay healthy or perform up to par doesn't mean they should come pillage the hard-working, smartly drafted talent that the Jazz pick up (see also: Paul Milsap). Wes Matthews is a total stud and I worshipped his hard work in his rookie season. But it makes me sad that he's gonna get a ton of money to fight for bench minutes on a team whose best hopes are an injury prone elderly man still trying to have a rookie season and landing unhappy Chris Paul. This quote from Kevin O'Connor was money: "(Fesenko's) next on the agenda. (We'll) go from there, see what happens, see if Portland has any more money left."

TeeMak Reinvents The Postage Stamp

I went to the Jazz/Knicks game the other night and, besides being underwhelmed by the Jazz's nonexistent Blood In The Water instinct, I was completely floored by a player I didn't think I could like less.

Tracy McGrady, you are a being of miraculous ways. There I was, thinking I despised you at the very peak of my despise-ation. And you, with your loafing indifference and half-assed shrugs (I mean, MAN, who shrugs half-assedly? A shrug is, by definition, half-ass!), cleared the clouds away, revealing yet ANOTHER PEAK OF DESPISE-ATION. Plaudits, Tracy.

In any other job, you would be fired. And your severance package would stink because your employer would have just cause. You clearly don't give a crap. You couldn't defend a mime in a fake box. And wouldn't even try. For millions upon millions of dollars. Ask the average American what they would do for just ONE million dollars.

Take a charge every night for 82 nights? Absolutely.
Run myself to exhaustion everyday for a full calendar year? No question.
Live in NYC and play basketball? Wait. YOU are paying ME?

You talented, lazy prince of the coast. Only in the unreality world of the NBA and its ridiculous contracts can you get away with such garbage. No wonder Houston sat on you until they could ship you to somebody who "wanted" you. Frankly, I'm amazed D'Antoni even bothers. He's shown no aversion to sitting purported "studs." (And let's get this out of the way now: you are no longer a stud. You may have been a star. Moronic voters may have been deluded enough to nearly vote you into an all-star position. But you are done. Cooked.)

Would I be so abrasive if you tried? No. I respect guys whose knees have quit but whose hearts refuse to. I respect guys whose grit outweighs their talent. I respect guys whose effort nods to the fact that they're blessed to get to go do for a living what the rest of us carve time out of our pathetic lives to do for FUN.

I hereby take away from your cousin Vince the moniker of The Postage Stamp. Your revolutionary approach to mailing it in has shamed him. Congratulations. I'll even capitalize the "T" in PosTage Stamp for you. Since I know you'd be too lazy to do it yourself.

PS: Thanks for the draft pick.

More TBC Smart Points

Daryl Morey deserves some credit for stuffing the ballot boxx in the final weeks in an attempt to get Steve Nash into the game instead of the wildly popular corpse that is T-Maq. First, he saved David Stern from complete embarrassment. So he gets 5 TBC Smart Points for saving the Commish. Second, McGrady playing in the All-Star game would only showcase his lack of value. This is very important as Morey tries to hoodwink teams into taking on tee-mak and his absurd contract. Rockets brass gives him 5 TBC Smart Points. And last but not least, the fans win on this one. So thats 5 TBC Smart Points from anyone who likes the NBA. That brings the total up to 15 TBC Smart Points on this single move, which might be a little generous but we make up the rules.

T-Maq is Baq

When I saw that the Rockets had finally allowed Tracy McGrady to play last night, the knee jerk reaction was to revoke all of Daryl Morey's smart points. They guy is a basketball genius. Not the kind like Magic or Legend who who show their IQ on the hardwood, but the kind who seems to evaluate his team and his talent better than anyone and pull the right strings from behind the scenes. Inserting T-MAK back into the an aggressive and overachieving Rockets team seemed counterintuitive. Why put in a guy who is notoriously lazy, ruins the rhythm of any offensive team and plays no defense? Are you all of the sudden thinking the John Wall sweepstakes is worth it?

Then I came back to reality. This guy is smarter than that. I realized that there are two obvious scenarios. The first is that David Stern would rather McGrady get voted into the All-Star game as a starter rather than having to stuff the ballot box himself for Chris Paul or Deron Williams. The second scenario is that Morey is going to parade McGrady around the league in order to trick someone into trading for him.

Scenario 1
Currently the second leading vote getter as a guard in the Western Conference, t_maK making the All Star team would be almost as infamous as the 2002 MLB All Star game in terms of blunders. It would be even worse if he hadn't played a single game all year. So the Commish undoubtedly made a call to Morey's office and made a deal with him that was about as one-sided as a game between the Lakers and the Sparks. "Play McGrady." You don't question the Commish.

Scenario 2
Morey is trying to get his 1993 Corvette out of the shop and parade it around the neighborhood a little bit in order to get some sap in the midst of a mid-life crisis to offer him something, anything, for it. (The Corvettes of the late 80s and early 90's are by far the worst of any Corvette made. Every Corvette from that era all seems to be the same terrible maroon color. No car should ever be that color, but certainly never a muscle car. I like comparing McGrady to a crappy 90's "muscle car" because he is that era of muscle car. He is the NBA player people like who don't know anything about the NBA just like that Corvette is the car people get when they don't know anything about muscle cars. To them its a Corvette, or someone who scores a lot of points. Never mind the fact that he hasn't won a single thing in his career.) The timing is just right if you are going to parade him around the league, like bringing out the Corvette during the first warm day of the year with the top down. People get envious. Lets look at the teams/GMs coming up on the schedule between now and the trading deadline on February 18th. (note: all games mentioned are road games because that would all but guarantee that the other owner/GM will see him play)

Dallas - Cuban is always buying right?

New Jersey Nettes - His name is Tracy.

Cleveland - Just in case they want to add one more washed up All-Star or buy LeBron insurance

Charlotte - He would fit real well on top of the Scrap Heap

Memphis - Do I really need to spell this one out?

Miami - Rumors are building for this one, heaven help us. Dwyane might as well pack his bags now if the rumors continue.

Milwaukee - Last chance to see him before he is shipped out of town or back to the DL, could be the last time we ever see him in the NBA

There you have it. My guess it that both scenarios are true and that with any luck we can finally be rid of T-Maq for good. If you're listening Mr. Morey, it will be worth 50 TBC Smart Points.

TeeMAK Denied

TBC Smart Points for Daryl Morey: 6
That is 6 smart points for the season, up from 1 before this story broke. I really don't think this story has anything to do with him not being physically ready to play. It has to do with the 5-man symphony that the Rockets have on the court at any given moment. They don't need a guitar solo right now, nor ever.

Playoff Musings...Part V

This installment (number five) of our playoff-lon observations comes weighted with a lot of expectation. Episode V of Star Wars was The Empire Strikes Back. 5 is also that Lenny Kravitz album you bought and couldn't trade in at the used CD store a few years back because they already had 12 copies. 5 is also the jersey number of the incredibly intense guy in a suit on the Celtics bench dropping F-bombs and bruising ribs with chest bumps. And 5 is the number of games in a series that Detroit didn't see this year. I bet they're having more fun in Cancun than they would've had in Cleveland anyway. You can only walk through the Rock N Roll Hall Of Fame so many times.

That said, here are a few observations after all the series have played 4 games.

The Hornets scored as many points against the Nuggets as Jordan scored against the Celtics in his legendary game at the Garden. Do you believe that if His Airness had played the Hornets last night, 1 on 5, that the game would've gone into overtime? I don't either. He is a closer.

Speaking of closer, it's a term that went from a novel cross-sport reference to completely overused in about 10 minutes. Should I thank Jalen Rose for dubbing a "closer" on every team even if they don't have that kind of guy? Or should the blame be placed squarely on the Blazers for forcing Brandon Roy into that role even though he is probably only a really, really good set up man?

I can't get enough of the black and white "Where amazing happens" commercials. I wonder if it wouldn't be so hard to make a new one for each game. Here are my candidates for top 5 commercials from this years playoffs so far.

- Boozer's dunk. Even though you'll have to wait until next year to play it. But then you won't be able to play it when he's high-fiving the Detroit Pontiacs during tank-a-palooza 2010; the John Wall sweepstakes.

-Williams' game winner. It was the deciding play and gave Jazz fans some sort of condolences when this off season gets messy. And it will get messy.

-Wade's banked-in 3-pointer. That would have helped me sit through him hobbling around in Game 4. Can we get a cortizone shot please, or some of that magic soccer spray?

-Allen's game winner. For two reasons. 1) It was over Joakim Noah. And 2) I think he was crying when he saw it go in. The black and white super slow-motion would help me confirm as well as put Joakim in about 600 YouTube parody videos.

-Tracy McGrady walking out of the tunnel in the Rose Garden during game 5, in the 4th quarter with the Rockets up 5. The crowd would be going crazy because they know he just lost the series for Houston. Its the anti-Willis.

Playoff Musings

Spike: "I'm watching Portland/Houston. If things keep going this way, I wouldn't be surprised to see T-Mac suit up for the clinching game, just to say he got out of the first round."

If the playoffs started today...TMaK edition

Yes Vince's cousin gets a lot of abuse from Spike and myself. I'm not totally sure that there is any specific reason other than he embodies everything that is wrong with certain parts of the NBA. Selfish yet offensively gifted, heavily marketed for some reason, helps his team get better but only to a certain point (i.e. to the playoffs but not past the first round) and has a ludicrous contract that handicaps the team from actually adding great supporting players. So if the playoffs started today...

TeeMAK might actually help his team past the first round
By totally screwing his team over right before the trade deadline and choosing to have his microfracture surgery, many were rightfully disgusted. However, a month and more later those same folks are talking about how much better the Rockets are without him. They even traded away their starting point guard and continue to win.
I am going to go out on a limb, despite T-maK's history, and say that this is the best shot he has ever had at helping his team get past the first round of the playoffs. All this is courtesy of him being more selfish than he has ever been. And all this without him playing a single minute of postseason ball. No we won't get 8 points in 30 seconds, pull up 30 footers or 6-32 shooting performances. But we just might get a 5th or 6th postseason game in Houston.
Hakeem isn't walking through that door, neither is Mario Elie, Kenny the Jet, Baby Bigshot Bob and neither is Teemaq. And that is a good thing.

If the playoffs started today...Vol VI

I am excited for the NBA Playoffs and I am sure you will be too just as soon as all your Final Four teams get knocked out between today and tomorrow. Be prepared to hear chalk a lot over the next couple days...I mean a lot. So now that I've got you thinking brackets, here are some potential first round matchups, as always, if the playoffs started today.

Atlanta Hawks vs. Being Believed In
The Hawks have little to gain or lose at this point. The 4th seed is theirs. Miami is knocking on the door and they are mathematically eliminated from the 3rd spot. The Hawks have something they didn't have last year; homecourt in the first round. With that comes something else they didn't have; people believing in them. Do we have a case of the Warriors of years past where after taking the top seed to the limit, the next years are a bit disappointing because now they have loyal fans filled with local celebrities who don't care about the team but only want those camera shots coming in and out of commercial. (Did anyone count a few weeks back how many times they showed Bill Murray and Spike Lee during the Cleveland game? It was more than LeBron and that is saying something) So, with little to play for for the next 10 games, will the Hawks stay sharp? Will the Phillips Arena faithful be full of TI, Luda, Whitney and Bobby, Teddy Turner and the CNNers or will all those starving professionals dip into their rebounding portfolios for a game or two? Can they hold court as well as they did last year?


Boston Celtics vs. the rehab wing at Mass General
The list of injured Celtics (or not quite right yet post-injury) is better on paper than the list of healthy Celtics. And if it wasn't for The Truth, the injured C's might even beat the healthy C's. Rivers has already started the excuse bus in several interviews citing they "just need to get healthy" or "we need some time to get right". Sure he is right about the team being banged up. But is that what its all about or is their a little of prophecy being fulfilled?
We are starting to wonder if Mikki will get a chance to bully Pau in the paint like his forbearer, The Notorious P.J.B., and how well Teambury can chest bump at Staples.

Utah Jazz vs. Houston Rockets
They are still scheduled for their annual first round match up. There is still time to dust off the ol' highlights and reminisce before 7 games of Rockets with TEEMak vs Rockets without TMaq graphics. But just to be fair there might also be a couple Jazz with Boozer vs Boozer high-fiving in an Armani.

16-4

I don't have anything witty to say. No unique angle. No breaking news.

Just the fact that, in the 20 games since TeeMak finally bowed out, "his" Rockets are 16-4 and playing for second in the west.

What is the protocol for Trading Away A QUOTE/UNQUOTE Franchise Player As Quickly As Humanly Possible Without Letting Other Teams Know Just How Badly You Want To Ship Him Off? Not that the rest of the NBA can't see it. But teams like the Grizzlies and Clippers are more concerned with selling tickets than they are with, say, getting a team to the playoffs, much less into the second round.

If the playoffs started today...Vol II

More matchups.

NBA Marketing vs DVR
Let's say TNT decides to show a first round game between, oh, The Shaqti and The Kobes. I'm pretty interested in seeing that game. It's a Thursday night. My DVR only lets me record 2 shows at the same time and I've got 30 Rock and The Office back-to-back, plus my wife's Grey's Anatomy. And I don't think I'm the only American who has DVR-Prioritization-Worries. Anyone who spends a little/too much/a little too much time with DVR knows that sometimes something has to give. This life-changing technology has its limits. Do you go to a bar and watch the game live, thus preserving the recording of your shows? Does it mean I'm not a real basketball fan if I think I'd rather watch Tracy Jordan and Kenneth the Page? What do you do? Does the NBA plan for this kind of stuff? I mean, they've gotta know that, in married households, Grey's Anatomy and maybe even that ridiculously terrible spin-off Private Practice are Must See Thursdays for the ladies and that the men are probably going with 30 Rock and The Office, maybe even Chuck. This was supposed to be short. Oops. (By the way, I count DVR as one of the 10 Best Advances In Entertainment Technology, somewhere between HD and IMAX.)

Tracy McGrady vs The 1st Round
The way the Rockets are playing (inspired, happy, hungry, relieved?), they could surprise someone in (if/when/etc) the first round. Who matches up with Yao? And a defense with Yao in the middle and His Brainness & Artest running around? Sheesh. But my point here is, what are the odds that, if the Rockets make a run, Tracy McGrady doesn't suddenly get healthy, say, RIGHT AFTER THE ROCKETS CLINCH GAME 7? A guy like TeeMak would count that as getting the Can't Make It Past The First Round monkey off his back. Can't you see him, an extreme post-game close-up, pointing his finger in the air, in his warm-ups, shouting, "Nothing is impossssssssiiiiiibulllllll..."? Honestly, you don't even see the potential for this to happen?

That's What I Was Thinking- RE: TeeMak

Both Charlie T and I are regular readers of ESPN's Bill Simmons. "Regular readers" might undersell it. We IM his best stuff, slam his worst, email him and never hear back because he's too bigtime. I'm not gonna oversell it either, but we're regulars.

Simmons, in his most recent article (which is a really interesting and surprisingly well-researched look at NBA finance), captured the essence of someone we at The Black Converse have a mutual unappreciation for: Tracy McGrady.

And by the way, nobody loves basketball more than me. I mean, NOBODY. But when an NBA player with two years remaining on his contract for a total of $44 million shows up for the season out of shape, complains most of the year, lets down his teammates and fans again and again, lands in some trade rumors and decides, "Instead of getting traded to a team I don't like, I'm going to announce that I'm getting microfracture surgery four days before the trade deadline and kill any potential trade, and even better, I'll be healed by next spring, just in time to showcase myself for another contract," and successfully pulls this off -- with no repercussions from anybody -- then yes, the system is broken and needs to be fixed. Because that was disgusting. Tracy McGrady, you are officially indefensible for the rest of eternity. Even your cousin Vince wouldn't have done that. And that's saying something.

For the stat-mongering Hollingers of the group, that was 3 sentences.

Dream Team-Up, Pt.1

Team ups have been happening for decades.
Marvel Team-Up
Dylan and Cash doing Girl From The North Country
Dylan and The Dead
Dylan and Anybody

Even the I'm Not There soundtrack had some legendary pairings.
Stephen Malkmus with the Million Dollar Bashers (members of Sonic Youth, Wilco, Television, Medeski Martin & Wood)
Eddie Vedder with the Million Dollar Bashers
Jim James and Calexico
Roger McGuinn and Calexico
Willie Nelson and Calexico
Calexico and apparently anybody

In anticipation of the forthcoming all-star Nick Drake tribute compilation, Dark Was The Night (which is a veritable who's who of indie rock pairings), the NBA All-Star festivities, and Obama bullying his way around to make changes in all sports (including the long awaited College Football Playoff), we're creating our ultimate All Star Team-Ups.

Everyday until its release, Dark Was The Night will be posting a new song here. Likewise, we'll be posting a new pairing from our hypothetical (for now) 16 team Two-on-Two All-Star Tournament. It's our jocky way of paying tribute to Nick Drake through both inspired and ridiculous pairings.

In the spirit of Obama's change and our forebearer Bill Simmons' constant desire to change All-Star Weekend, we propose a massive 2-on-2 tourney. The rules are simple: make your own team. Play in a seeded tournament (part John Hollinger, part David Stern, part PT Barnum). Winners go home with a million apiece. Simple.

These are the teams we'd like to see, starting with:

Pairing #1

Team Name: Round 2, or Cuzzins
Team Members: Vince Carter and TEEmak

Team Synopsis: Look at all of the unrealized potential of those bygone Raptors days. Both players have learned a lot. Probably. Maybe. A few things are uncertain: Will TEEmak be injured? Will Vinsanity show up? Or will The Great Canadian Postage Stamp be the one making the appearance? Can they peacefully coexist? Or will this turn into some Tyler Perry Family Reunion montage of guffawful hilarity? Are there even enough ill-advised shots to go around? Not to mention failed hero moments? One thing is for certain: this team is NOT tasting the second round.

Season Shocker: T-Mac Milks Injury

This never happens. Tracy McGrady takes some time off this season due to an ailing body? Maybe he's taking a page from his new teammate Ron Artest, who- a few seasons ago- requested some time off from the Pacers to promote an album he co-produced. Either way, T-Mac's undefiled reputation as a gritty, infallible, road-tested warrior might take a hit.

Maybe while he's out he can work on his shot. Career-low 38% FG. And, while he's at it, make a push to get some of those Allure albums out of the bargain bin.