Monday, June 23, 2008


5 San Antonio vs. 12 Golden State

Following a Game 1 loss to the Warriors in which Popovich is forced to play his 11th and 12th men searching for fresh legs, Game 2 has the Spurs only running back up the court every other possession by Golden State. Pop manages to successfully out-crazy Nellie and the Spurs win the next three games. Not to be outdone, Nelson tricks the Warriors into playing defense, leading them to three straight victories, sowing up the series in San Antonio. In true crazy fashion, they promptly parade down the river walk like they have just won the title, and fail to win another game the rest of the post season.

4 New Orleans vs. 13 Cleveland

Is there anybody else who thinks the trade Cleveland made earlier in the season made absolutely no difference? This series proved it.
CP3 had the best statistical First Round Game 1 by a point guard in 30 years followed by the best statistical First Round Game 2 by a point guard in 30 years followed by the best statistical First Round Game 3 by a point guard in 20 years followed by the best statistical First Round Game 4 by any player in 40 years. Cleveland still wins in 5 games and nobody notices that LeBron averages a triple double 26-14-10. Did I mention Chris Paul had the best statistical Game 5 by a point guard in 30 years? Stephen A. still can’t believe it.


1 Boston vs. 16 Portland

Remember Danny Ainge’s face the night of the draft lottery? Remember Kevin Prtichard’s? Maybe we can do a split screen of their faces then and their faces after the series.

Thank a Boston sweep for saving us from the 8-part, halftime “special conversation” with Bill Walton. Yeah we remember that you won championships on both the 77 Blazers and 85 Celtics, but how does playing for Coach Wooden fit into this series? One more second of the 7 foot leprechaun being hoisted up on the shoulders of a sea of Portland fans or the goofy grin after the 1985 Championship and I would be having bad acid trips the rest of my life. On another split screen note could we get a split screen NBA commercial of Portland Bill and Boston Bill singing “Cassidy”?

8 Utah vs. 9 Orlando

Boozer vs. Howard for the Charmin Softie Big Man of the year and one lucky winner will get the chance to go to Camp KG!
Taking a cue from Giuliani’s campaign, Orlando forfeits games 1 and 2 in Utah because they have a plan, they are banking it all on Florida because Utah never loses at home right? Boozer’s hot potato post moves nearly cost Utah a win in game 3 until Deron Williams stops passing him the ball and starts playing. Orlando picks up a win in game 4 behind 49 points from Hedo Turkoglu despite Howard and Boozer playing patty cake in front of the scorer’s table for most of the second half. Sticking with the plan, Orlando never makes the trip back to Salt Lake City claiming they were never really in the playoffs.

The Magic lose the series but the real loser in Orlando was the Happiest Place on Earth title (thanks to Prozac and Diet Coke is about to be supplanted by Anytown, USA), which failed to make Kirilenko happy. “I only get one chance a year for this,” he said as he boarded the flight back to Utah. I guess Daisy Duck hasn’t aged well.

Friday, June 13, 2008


Let's kick off our OJ Hypothetical 2008 NBA Playoffs with the first round of Stern Bracket, A.

To no one’s surprise, the Pistons strut, swagger, and circle dance their way to a 3-0 series lead. The plot thickens, however, when Rasheed Wallace, Rip Hamilton, and Chauncey Billups fail to show up for Game 4. Depending on which press release you believe, they either a) couldn’t find the arena due to a mixup involving “Centre” and “Center”, or b) took their usual, Piston-patented bout of complacency to an all-new, all-too-literal level. The Raptors squeeze out a quadruple OT win when, just as the third overtime is about to begin, one of the games Vince Carter mailed in years ago (but apparently got lost in the Canadian post) miraculously appears at Air Canada Centre/Center to nudge them over the top. Sheed, Rip, and Chauncey have little trouble finding their homecourt and kill Toronto’s cute little underdog puppy of a season in Game 5, once again re-asserting that Kid Rock is just a little less douchey than Bryan Adams and that America Junior only wins sports you can play on ice.

This matchup (clunkily entitled The Battle Of The Hugely Risky Trades That’ll Probably Result In Some Rolling Heads, or Subplots That David Stern Couldn’t Have Rigged Better, or Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock) is tight. The series knotted 2-2, Mark Cuban and Steve Kerr get bold, making history with the only trade ever completed during the playoffs: two shoo-in Hall of Famers straight across, Shaq for Kidd. With Shaq in the middle and Dirk finally playing Giant Power Forward like the Germans engineered him to, the Mavs ruin Kidd’s homecoming and steal homecourt.
Master (Kidd) and pupil (Nash) fail to coexist when it becomes apparent to the trained eye that one of them still has it and one of them doesn’t, and that the titles don’t exactly fit anymore. So, down 2-3, the Suns beg for a tradeback. Cuban hates to mess with success, but only slightly less than he hates missing the chance to get front page headlines. Green light!
Dallas fans know it’s a bad omen when they show up at Reunion Arena for Game 6 and it’s Chuck Palahniuk Night. The first 1,500 fans get copies of Choke. Palahniuk is disappointed when there’s no Fight Club-esque twist at the end and the Mavs simply choke. “So expected,” he derisively declares when asked.

In a panic, the teams trade yet again. Years later, this series will be considered The Series That Most Resembled Fantasy Sports.
Game 7, gives us our obligatory NBA/Scarface parallel when Nash kills his best friend. Not just winning the game, either. In a tragic accident, during one of the 674 times per game that Dirk takes his mouthpiece out, a lock of Nash’s flowing Canadian mane gets in there and chokes Nowitzki to death. “Better,” says Palahniuk. Shaq can’t resist: “I’m the Big Tiger. Steve’s the Little Hairball.”

What If David Stern Actually Reseeded The NBA Playoffs So That The Best Teams (From Whatever Conference) Played?

That's our first burning question here at The Black Converse. Now, we realize that any argument for reseeding was weakened somewhat by the strong, gutsy showings of the Sixers and Hawklantas, not to mention the chippy, entertaining Wizards/Cavs series. We'd be morons to suggest that watching those series play out was anything but awesome.

Still, the prospect of playoffs featuring the Top 16 teams in the league is intriguing enough to explore. We've read viewpoints from both sides. Between ourselves, Charlie & I have argued the pros and cons, do's and don'ts. And we decided that, like OJ Simpson, we're going to tell the story of how playoff reseeding would've happened if it ever happened. This is our OJ Hypothetical of the 2008 NBA Playoffs.

The seeding would be as follows, in 2 brackets, which we've named after Commissioner Stern in hopes that it will soften his steely New York heart:

1 Boston vs 16 Portland
8 Utah vs 9 Orlando

4 New Orleans vs 13 Cleveland
5 San Antonio vs 12 Golden State

2 Detroit vs 15 Toronto
7 Phoenix vs 10 Dallas

3 LA Lakers vs 14 Washington
6 Houston vs 11 Denver

Welcome to the Black Converse

We don't believe in red carpets or we would roll one out for you.

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A conversation between two music and basketball fans. Black Converse is where Bob Cousy and Jimmy Chitwood shoot the breeze with George Harrison and Jeff Tweedy.