Canada's Team/End of Season Edition

After losing out to another sub-.500 team for the final playoff spot (paging the league: let's make a .500 cutoff.) and on the brink of losing the only real star on such a disappointing team, Canada has spoken and here are the latest rankings in The Campaign To Become Canada's Team:

1: Vancouver Canucks
2: Ottawa Senators
3: Montreal Canadiens
4-thru-1,000,000: Anybody but the so disappointing Raptors and that includes Toronto's least favorite player Vince Carter's Magic*.
1,000,001: Toronto Raptors







* Don't worry. This is the first and last place you will ever see the Magic belong to Vince Carter. It was solely for clarity's sake.

Simple Math and Exploding Heads

We all know the classic math problem "If train A leaves Chicago traveling 100MPH and train B leaves New York traveling 150MPH and the distance between the two cites is 600 miles how far from New York will it be when the two trains meet?" Not many of us could rattle off the answer but somewhere along the line we have used the first part of it as a joke, which was probably unsuccessful unless you wear your pants somewhere between your bellybutton and your nipples.

Now I would like to alter a couple things. Train A isn't leaving Chicago, its leaving Cleveland. Train B isn't leaving New York but rather its leaving Mississippi. On those trains are the futures of LeBron and Brett Favre. And once again, this summer, they will be battling for Bottom Line Dominance*.

This is where heads are going to explode. Those heads being in Ohio, Minnesota, New York, New Jersey, Illinois, Florida, Toronto (assuming Chris Bosh and the Raptors can crack the crack the top 5 in Canadian popularity) and especially in Bristol, CT. Nobody is going to know what to do with themselves as both parties speculate about their future. It will be a battle fought in the sky with multiple helicopters, on the ground (I wonder if Rachel Nicholes will be the first person to broadcast live from two locations, simultaneously) and in the sea (at least I hope...there aren't enough news boats out there). I predict that we see the inception of LeBronCenter and FavreCenter as a result of the ensuing spotlight battle during the forthcoming summer.

We can pretty much pencil in Favre as the QB for the VIkings next year. LeBron becomes a little tougher to pin down (we all know the lack of income tax in Florida has got to be alluring) but there isn't as much mystery around it as there once was. And we can all rest assured that there will be no lack of coverage as these two trains approach their destinations.

*Bottom Line Dominance (or BLD) is attained when a news story dominates ESPN's Bottom Line sports ticker. Examples include Tiger, Brett Favre and his retirements, and the upcoming NBA free agent class.

Canada's Team/January Edition

THE RAPTORS ARE HOT, handing the Lakers their 11th loss and taking them out of contention to match the legendary Bulls' Best Season Ever mark. So let's take another look into the Toronto Raptors' bid to become Canada's Team, both legally and in the hearts of the Canadian people. Below the Canadian poll results below, you'll also find the Top 10 Heatseeking Markets (meaning, markets in which the popularity of the Raptors increased dramatically overnight).


1. Canadian Olympic Team
2. Toronto Maple Leafs
3. Neil Young (got the #TeamCoCo bump with an appearance on the last episode)
4. Edmonton Oilers
5. Calgary Flames
6. Ottawa Senators
7. Shania A-Twain (Apparently Canadians were proud of her American Idol guest judge appearance and threw their support behind her CCTRA [Cross Canadian Train Racing Association] team.)
8. TORONTO RAPTORS
9. Phoenix Suns (Nash-loyalty is at an all-time high)
10. Lilith Fair Roadie Curling Team (after a decade+ hiatus, Ms. Mclachlan's wildly popular curling team is back in the saddle)

Other notables
17. Vancouver Canucks
26. Toronto Blue Jays (75-87)
55. Speed (the little league hockey team that Keanu Reeves coaches for his Canadian TV reality show)

And by beating the Lakers, the Raptors' popularity swelled in the following markets.
10. Salt Lake City
9. Portland
8. Atlanta
7. Dallas
6. Littleton/Boulder area, CO
5. Orlando
4. Denver
3. Phoenix
2. Cleveland
1. Boston

Canada's Team/December Edition

Let's take another look into the Toronto Raptors' bid to become Canada's Team, both legally and in the hearts of the Canadian people. Of note this month: the rise of the Toronto Marlies and the regional popularity of Trevor Ariza's elbows. The current Top 10- based on a totally thorough and completely fake poll taken in Toronto- are as follows:


1. Toronto Marlies (Maple Leafs/Leaves farm team)
2. Toronto Maple Leafs (currently 11-14-7 and down a spot)
3. whatever team signs Trevor Ariza 'cause that kid has hockey moves to spare
4. Minor Midget Jr Canadians (supposedly best junior team in the world)
5. Canadian National Team (apparently ALL of them)
6. Edmonton Oilers
7. Canadian Bacon (Mike Meyers and Kevin Bacon's undefeated Fantasy Football team)
8. Calgary Flames
9. Ottawa Senators
10. Phoenix Suns (Nash-loyalty is at an all-time high)

Other notables
13. Toronto Raptors (11-15, a substantial climb from last poll
14. Vancouver Canucks
17. Skater Boiz (an Avril Lavigne-inspired, Hot Topic-sponsored glee club out of Saskatchewan)
26. Toronto Blue Jays (75-87)
47. Alanis Morrisette's road crew softball team, The Jagged Little Steals (steady)

Attention, shoppers, K-Mart is getting shut down

With apologies to the original, er, second original K- Mart (Kenyon Martin), the new K-Mart is getting shut down for 6-8 weeks.

Given our wager with The Kings, this certainly makes 14 wins by January 29 less likely. In honor of that, I made a quick list of things I might be doing in Utah- rather than attending a Jazz/Kings game- on Friday January 29.

- Writing a thank you note to the country of Spain for recognizing the benefits of trading matador for matador. Carlos Boozer will have no trouble with the bulls and the NBA's first bullfighter Ricardo Montoya, if he keeps up that hustle, will have no problem finding Jerry Sloan's good graces.

- Night skiing with Robert Redford, who'll need to decompress after a long Sundance. We'll have our usual talk about Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid and how it was kind of his Catcher In The Rye and how sometimes he wishes he had more Salinger in him.

- Countdown the days until the Vancouver Olympics start while simultaneously watching the Raptors' plummet in their bid to become Canada's Team.

- Watch TMZ.

- Read some message boards about the last season of Lost, wish that ABC hadn't cast Juliet in their new show V because it kind of tells you how limited her role will be, speculate on Sawyer/Kate/Jack replacing Juliet in their love square with...Sun? But then it would be a pentagon, which would explain the government conspiracy...

- Drink the last of my personal hoarded stash of egg nog.

- Burn a couple candles for the Kings at the shrine for St. Lenny Wilkens, the NBA's losingest coach.

"The Official Site of Canada's Team"

Wow. The browser header on Raptors.com is trying pretty hard.

But they're undefeated and they added a second loss to the LeShaq Cavs. Stay undefeated and, without question, the Raptors will be Canada's Team.

A quick exit poll in downtown Toronto this afternoon capitalized on the immense season-opening buzz generated by the colossal win. Poll results show respondents' top choices when asked, "Which team is Canada's Team?"

1. Toronto Maple Leafs (currently 1-7-2)
2. Toronto Maple Leaves (a lot of respondents weren't sure about pluralizing)
3. Toronto Marlies (Maple Leafs/Leaves farm team)
4. Edmonton Oilers (6-5-1)
5. Minor Midget Jr Canadians (supposedly best junior team in the world)
6. Vancouver Canucks (6-6-0)
7. Ottawa Senators (6-2-2)
8. Calgary Flames (7-3-1)
9. Chicago Blackhawks (7-3-1) and this one has some blogosphere backing
10. Montreal Canadiens (6-6-0)

Other notables
17. Toronto Blue Jays (75-87)
26. Phoenix Suns (there is some loyalty to Nash)
29. whatever pick-up team Steve Nash is playing on
30. Toronto Raptors (1-0)
47. Alanis Morrisette's road crew softball team, The Jagged Little Steals

Next time, we'll poll outside of Toronto too.

910 Conversation: Atlantic Division

BOSTON CELTICS

There are plenty of storylines this year with Boston. How is KG? Really, how is he? How healthy are the old-timers? Do the Big Three have on more Big One in them? How will the offseason's soap opera affect Rondo? Have they done enough to keep pace with the movers and shakers of the East? If so, do they have what it takes to beat L.A.? Mainstream media will pay plenty of attention to those questions and more, so we’re simply going to focus on one number: 10.

Rasheed Wallace, that shrinking violet, reportedly predicted 72 wins for this year’s Celtics. For a team that nearly everybody (both of us included, southern California media excluded) likes to follow, we’re keeping it simple. We’re gonna countdown those 10 losses.

NEW JERSEY NETTES

Confession: I used to be a NJ fan. I have a blue and red 1994 hat. Drazen Petrovic is one of my all-time favorite players. I loved Mookie Blaylock, Keith Van Horn, Jason Kidd. I even sort of held on during the VC phase. But, like Snoop Dogg’s marriage, it fizzled. Maybe that doesn't make me a true fan (but what are the governing rules of allegiance for picking your second or third team? I mean, I'll always be a Jazz fan first. After that, it's been the Dominique era Hawks, the Drazen era Nets, etc. I think you're allowed some whims and crushes for anything after your main team.)

Looking over the roster, there are certainly players with potential: Harris, Lopez, Simmons, Lee…I even liked Douglas-Roberts at Memphis. But, zzzzzz.

What really struck us was the concentration of girls’ names on this roster:

Courtney

Brook

Bobbi

Chris

Devin

Is this a basketball team or a spirit squad? So, we’re dubbing them the Nettes (or Real Housewives of New Jersey) and keeping tabs on how this A Team Of Their Own fares with the rigors of being a WNBA team in the NBA. Also, we’re hoping they can lure Stacey Augmon and Dominique Wilkins out of retirement.

NEW YORK KNICKS

As a Utah fan, I have one and only one reason to care about the Knicks this year:

Utah owns the Knicks’ 2010 first round pick.

Please let them suck in epic ways. Please give the New York Post all sorts of “Not In The Knick Of Time” and other crappy headline puns on blowing it. All season, we’ll keep track of how Utah’s draft chances look and who the top prospects are.

PHILADELPHIA 76ers

As well-documented Springsteen fans, we’ll call this season Glory Days. We’ll check in with current and former Sixers to see how they view this season in contrast with past seasons (both players AND the franchise).

TORONTO RAPTORS

A team on the brink of losing its superstar in the gag-inducing hype of 2010 free agency tries to assemble a cast that’ll keep him there. But we’re after the story that’s really concerning the Raptors’ front office:

HOW CAN THE RAPTORS BECOME CANADA’S TEAM?

We’ll watch the power rankings of polled Canucks and their team preferences, as the Raptors fluctuate up and down. Will they end the season at the top? Or will they have Canadians asking, “NB, eh?” Stay tuned. Especially you, Chris Bosh.