Offseason Notes NOT Having To Do With The Douchecision

Some offseason notes:

– I am taking a little too much pleasure in watching the douchiness of T-Mac manifest itself this offseason. The Utah Bulls, er, Chicago Jazz, er, Chicago Bulls had a private workout with His WashedUpNess this week and, to hear Tracy talk about it, the Bulls front office was licking its chops about stumbling onto such an under-the-radar catch. These quotes encapsulate the magic dust he's sprinkling around. “Without me, without Boozer, they’re a .500 ball club,” McGrady said. Wow. Any quote that makes me defensive of Carlos Boozer deserves bold italics and a few extra vacation days. I can't wait til the Clippers sign him.

– In a related note, this is a fun offseason for Former Insanely Talented Alphas like AI and Shaq. The fact that some team is going to have to talk themselves into one of the game's top 2 or 3 most dominant centers ever (not anymore but still. Kareem got contracts when he could barely John McCain his goggles.) is a little sad to me. The bright side is: Pros vs Joes is always looked for some extra legitimacy and the combined MVPs, points, and NBA Finals appearances are legit.

– Also, The Utah Bulls. What the Bulls front office, in picking up Boozer & Korver & Brewer (who I miss the most, in spite of his complete inability to hit a jumper), is saying is: we believe Rose > Deron Williams. They are assembling, essentially, the same cast around Rose as Williams had. Now, Chicago fans, let's not carried away about Joakim Noah. Yes, I would take him on my team. No, he is not an elite big man. He and Memo Okur (who has one more all-star appearance than Noah) essentially cancel each other out, though I'm willing to admit that Noah's hustle is a plus. Luol Deng? A wild card of the same type as, oh, Andrei Kirilenko. Everybody KNOWS he's good. But what are you getting from him game to game, month to month? I think it's very interesting that the Bulls believe in the '08 Jazz that much. I did too, though, so I can't really hold it against them.

– The Laker Upgrade. Miami gets the most ink. But the defending champs upgraded, in my opinion, to an insane degree. A tough, mix-it-up guy who can knock down equal amounts of superstars & shots in Matt Barnes. A PG upgrade (though the WNBA has a handful of PGs who would be an improvement over Farmar) in Steve Blake. And some more size (as if they were lacking) in Theo Ratliff, who- for the sake of this bullet point- I talked myself into. Still the team to beat.

– Chris Paul. Wah. You're an amazing talent stuck on a team in transition. Your friends are all teaming up to try to gang their way to rings. You also signed a contract. I'm sure there's a gun to your head everytime you cash those million-dollar checks. Sack up. Whiny multimillionaire athletes kill me.

– The Jazz, to avoid D-Will pulling a Kobe/Chris Paul, have made some moves– Jefferson, Bell, Hayward. They aren't Miami-level or Steal Gasol For Nothing level, but they are decent. As a Jazz fan, I'm happy to see something happen that includes Boozer taking his talents/attitude/entitlement elsewhere and guys who want to kill themselves for D-Will onto the court. Hearing D-Will tell Jefferson he's gonna make him an All-Star made me really happy.

– Portland can suck it. Just because their "top tier, first round" talent can't stay healthy or perform up to par doesn't mean they should come pillage the hard-working, smartly drafted talent that the Jazz pick up (see also: Paul Milsap). Wes Matthews is a total stud and I worshipped his hard work in his rookie season. But it makes me sad that he's gonna get a ton of money to fight for bench minutes on a team whose best hopes are an injury prone elderly man still trying to have a rookie season and landing unhappy Chris Paul. This quote from Kevin O'Connor was money: "(Fesenko's) next on the agenda. (We'll) go from there, see what happens, see if Portland has any more money left."

Please. No. And, furthermore, never. Ever.

I had to check the calendar- is it really April 1?- and only clicked through because I knew a reputed sports site like ESPN.com wouldn't have any accompanying photos

but (and emphasis on but)

WHAT?

So many thoughts:
- to paraphrase Cindy Lou Who, "why, Greg Oden, why?"

- I guess when you're not ever playing, you kinda get bored.

- what would be worse: seeing Bea Arthur or Greg Oden naked? I'm going with Oden. They're approximately the same age anyway.

- isn't there a Celebrity Orientation class that these first rounders have to take? (Not to be confused with Starving Desperate C-Listers class, where this moronic move would be 101.) Cover such topics as: Careful With That Entourage! and Have Somebody Else Carry The Gun and Don't Text Naked Pictures Of Yourself To Anyone Ever and Just Have A Shred Of Common Sense, Idiot.

- Kevin Durant, anyone? OKC loves their life.

- Somewhere, Sam Bowie is so stoked. His run as the NBA and Portland's big draft gaffe may have, at least temporarily, fallen a spot or two. "Yeah, they picked me over Jordan and I never panned out, but I never sent nude photos and then got them posted online! Holla!"

- Oden apologized publicly, as our stars tend to do (they DO all enroll in Crisis Management 101, it seems). I can't help wonder if he should apologize more for the photos or for playing in 7 games through 2 seasons at several million a pop.

Greg Oden's Free Throws Land "In The Flowers"

Down 1.
Under 5 seconds to go.
You're at the line, shooting 2.

Every player ever to pick up a basketball has dreamt of this moment.

Minus the "clank it into the roses of the Rose Garden" part. It's too bad because Oden rebounded well and had a couple blocks. Sorry, Big Greg, but on this night your Blazers land on the Merriweather Post Pavilion side of the hype continuum. The season is long and you boys still have time to Hold Steady. And, luckily, you don't have to play against a flaming Caramello every night.

The Mysteries of the Pacific Northwest

Charlie T and Mrs. Hustle are up in the Pacific Northwest this weekend, uncovering the secrets of:

– Pearl Jam's new very ungrunge single
– Starbucks' impossible ability to thrive in a local-favoring coffee capital like Seattle
– Andre Miller's supposed signing with the Blazers
– how Seattle really feels about the Thunder From Down Under
– the sly slip of a "spry Greg Oden" reference into an article about Kevin Durant. Come on. Who is the genius doing Oden's PR? And how much did he pay for "spry"? Would "agile" have been cheaper? "Mobile" was probably the original term.
– where is the rest of One Eyed Willie's treasure? I'm sure Corey Feldman is available to go look.
– how the Retire Sam Bowie's Number movement is coming along in Portland
– what in the world is going on with TBC favorite Shawn Smith? Surely there's an answer for why he just disappeared.

Playoff Musing pt II

A quick apology for being off the grid for a stretch. To paraphrase Bob, "Ain't it just like the day to be busy when you're trying to be so un-busy." Oh well. As Elvis Costello sang, "Life intimidates art."

(Not that this blog is art. Moving on.)

What did we see on Day 1?

- The premiere of another player that commentators can lay their superlatives on. A word of advice to the Doug Collinses of the world: take it easy with the shining reviews and Derrick Rose; save something for the honeymoon. The kid can play. So could Derrick Coleman.

- Subtraction by subtraction If you looked down at Boston from space, you could see the hole KG left. Spin it how you will, fellas, (we still have 2 all-stars, we're still the reigning champs, these are guys who thrive on challenges) but this ain't looking good.

- Yawn. Maybe it was me, but Spurs/Mavs kind of had the feeling of the ol' Old Timers Game, where they used to roll out the retired legends on all-star weekend. I was so bored, I started on next year's taxes. Also yawnful? Portland getting shellacked by Houston. I believe that Portland has it in them, but they didn't show it yesterday.

- Expected. With his dash to the Finals looking less and less troublesome, nobody really thought LeBron would stumble in Kickoff To Coronation, did they? If it weren't so terribly square (and, ahem, anglo saxon), I would suggest Bachman-Turner Overdrive's "Takin' Care of Business" as the theme song for the Cavs' postseason. I don't believe they'll be messing around.

Dream Team-Up, Pt. 14

Team Name: Ro(b)se Roy, or Rose Roys (like the car, get it?)
Team Members: Derrick Rose and Brandon Roy

Neither player is an English merchant nor have they likely been to the Scottish Highlands, but Liam Neeson wasn't a perfect fit either and he got the part. (For the record, I know Rob Roy isn't Neeson's character. I can use IMDB like the best of them.)

Anyway we figured Roy would be a lock since he's continually considered The Next (Steve Smith?) and since Oden was with Durant, there was no other logical choice. So we resorted to our best bet: a play on last names. Sorry. Still, it's a talented team but probably better in about 5 years.

Dream Team-Up, Pt. 6

Team Name: D. Oderant
Team Members: Greg Oden and Kevin Durant

Since nobody cares about Chris Paul's arm pits, the creative advertising department at Right Guard came up with the perfect mash-up of NBA talent that everyone has dreamed of playing together since 2007. Right Guard has managed to do what Paul Allen's money couldn't; put Durant and Oden on the floor together and on the same team.

Obviously this team will be good. Size inside and length on the perimeter. Oden doesn't need shots while Durant never met one that was outside his range. The only problem with this team up is how sick we'll all be of them reading cue cards about "odor-blocking technology" during the commercial breaks.

TiVo this match-up. It is sure to have as much potential as this dynamic duo. And will without a doubt out do this one

NBA Decides To Only "Threaten To Fine" Portland For Threatening E-Mail

To Our Competition, From The Blazers

Dear Competing Teams in the NBA,

Don't take advantage of the mistake we made that we hoped no one would notice

A few years ago we signed a dope to a contract that was much more lucrative than he deserved. You've all been there before. Anyway, his salary still counts against our salary cap number so if anyone were to sign him to a guaranteed contract, it would come back to haunt us for the next two years. Rather than asking you nicely, which has been debated amongst the front office, we are going to issue a playground bully threat. We have no way of enforcing it really, but we are threatening to sue if you even think about it.
Let us reiterate:

Don't take advantage of the mistake we made that we hoped no one would notice and sign Darius Miles

WE have really set ourselves up to compete for multiple Championships over the next couple years and have a bunch of young guys that we are going to have to give long term contracts too. These contracts will probably also be worth more than they should be, but that is beside the point. We don't want to have to give extra lunch money to David.

The Front Office of the TrailBlazers

p.s. Don't forward this on to the Commish.

Portland to competing GMs: Don't take advantage of the mistake we made that we hoped no one would notice

Memo to Portland: You screwed up. Don't expect a competitive league to just ignore the dumb thing you did. Miles can play. Your medical clearance was bogus.

If I were the Clippers or ex-Seattle, I would sign him today just out of spite. What a lame playground threat.

There's no way you can determine why a team's signing him either. Are we all of the sudden going to ask for motive when somebody trades for some personified expiring contract with no intent of playing said player even a minute? Since when do teams have to justify their roster? And if the motive is to put Portland at a financial disadvantage, it is a smart move. Maybe a little dirty, but legal and, yes, smart.

THE DAVID BRACKET: A

1 Boston vs. 16 Portland

Remember Danny Ainge’s face the night of the draft lottery? Remember Kevin Prtichard’s? Maybe we can do a split screen of their faces then and their faces after the series.

Thank a Boston sweep for saving us from the 8-part, halftime “special conversation” with Bill Walton. Yeah we remember that you won championships on both the 77 Blazers and 85 Celtics, but how does playing for Coach Wooden fit into this series? One more second of the 7 foot leprechaun being hoisted up on the shoulders of a sea of Portland fans or the goofy grin after the 1985 Championship and I would be having bad acid trips the rest of my life. On another split screen note could we get a split screen NBA commercial of Portland Bill and Boston Bill singing “Cassidy”?


8 Utah vs. 9 Orlando

Boozer vs. Howard for the Charmin Softie Big Man of the year and one lucky winner will get the chance to go to Camp KG!
Taking a cue from Giuliani’s campaign, Orlando forfeits games 1 and 2 in Utah because they have a plan, they are banking it all on Florida because Utah never loses at home right? Boozer’s hot potato post moves nearly cost Utah a win in game 3 until Deron Williams stops passing him the ball and starts playing. Orlando picks up a win in game 4 behind 49 points from Hedo Turkoglu despite Howard and Boozer playing patty cake in front of the scorer’s table for most of the second half. Sticking with the plan, Orlando never makes the trip back to Salt Lake City claiming they were never really in the playoffs.

The Magic lose the series but the real loser in Orlando was the Happiest Place on Earth title (thanks to Prozac and Diet Coke is about to be supplanted by Anytown, USA), which failed to make Kirilenko happy. “I only get one chance a year for this,” he said as he boarded the flight back to Utah. I guess Daisy Duck hasn’t aged well.