All-Star Weekend 2010 Roundup

Remember when there were 108,000+ people were watching basketball on the same tv in the same room?

Remember when Gerald Wallace actually cared during All-Star Weekend?

Remember when Deron Williams exacted his revenge on the Nuggets and kept Carmelo from winning the MVP?

Remember when Dwyane Wade, LeBron James and Dwight Howard had a dunk contest?

Official TBC Results from that contest: 1.Wade 2. LeBron (could have won but had a couple too many layups) 3. Howard (though he might have had the dunk of the game)

Finals, pt. 2

I feel like Magic with Kareem out. Except instead of Magic, I'm Rambis. And I've gotta play every position from the 1 to the 5. And I'm not sure how I'm gonna swing it. There's no How-To manual to get me through this. I've just gotta go.

Charlie is out. He's been carrying the blog on his shoulders. And, before the Finals end and Kobe gets to wear another ring and enters the next level in the Pantheon of Greats (though, if my sources are correct, he can ascend no higher in the Pantheon of Least Likable Douches), somebody has to punch out a part 2. You can't have a part 1 without a part 2, unless you're the Traveling Wilburys, in which case you just skip to part 3.

Some thoughts on the Finals:

Derek Fisher: How Does He Do It?
I watched the final game of the Western Conference Finals with at least 6 friends of mine who are insane Laker fans. One was wearing a Devean George jersey, the rest had some kind of Lakers gear on, some of it homemade. And even they - the diehards- didn't trust Derek Fisher. SO ERRATIC. They all admitted that they like him for his legacy and his on-games, but also for the fact that He's The Least Of Their PG Evils. Gotta love a championship team whose go-to PG gets the spot by sentimental default.

And to further the enigma, the guy taints his legacy with a pretty out-of-character, but probably all-time punk move on Scola only to be redeemed by hitting moneyballs in the Finals. EVEN THOUGH HE HAD BEEN A NONFACTOR AT BEST, arguably outplayed by the schizo-insecure Magic PGs, clutch shots make up for just about anything. Derek Fisher, how do you do it?

Dwight Howard: Russell in Reverse
Just like history will gloss over everything but the clutch shots for Fisher, Howard's near Russellian triple double (a block short) will likely be forgotten. And the memory that will carry on like Eagles Reunion tours and Jimi Hendrix beer cozies, logical or not, is the missed FTs. And, down the road, mark my words, you won't be able to see Howard's misses without seeing Nick Anderson (bless his heart)'s misses. Howard's got a long career ahead of him; I hope history is kind. But you know who's most relieved? Courtney Lee.

That's a start. I wouldn't call it a baby hook. But it's at very least a really, fiesty rebound.

Pre Finals Preparations, 300 edition

Cast

Sparta: The Orlando Magic
They have the new and different way of playing (heavy on 3pt shooting) much like the unique Phalanx Formation of the Greeks.

King Leonidas: Stan Van Gundy (not because of stature, but because of yelling power)
Queen Gorgo: Dwight Howard (always concerned with his team getting the proper support from the nation)
Dilios: Hedo Turkoglu (it couldn't hurt his to have an eye patch and I see him telling the story of these Finals someday to a small village in Turkey)
Ephialtes: This role is still open for casting. It could be Rafer if he decides to betray the Magic with some erratic play, it could be Jameer if his injury/recovery proves to disrupt the Magic rotation or it could be Otis Smith, the Magic GM, who gave away Trevor Ariza to the Lakers for nothing (assuming Ariza becomes a crucial part to stopping the 3pt barrage). It could also be Tiger Woods who has Magic season tickets but LOVES the Lakers.

Persia: The Los Angeles Lakers

Xerxes: Who else but Kobe Bryant (there is none other more vain and arrogant than he)

The rest of Persia is anyone else on the Lakers, in Laker Nation, jumping on the Kobe Top Ten Players of All Time Bandwagon, anyone that despises Orlando for any reason (that includes you, basketball purists). There are a lot more of them than Magic Fans.

So, Stan Van Gundy, seeing that its going to be a difficult series, climbs to the top of Mount Lee (behind the Hollywood Sign) to once again pay his dues to the 3pt gods and ask for 6 more games of effectiveness. The 3pt gods consist of Steve Kerr, Reggie Miller, Craig Hodges, Mario Elie, Glen Rice, Mark Price, Dale Ellis, Tim Legler and the Magic's own Dennis Scott. These guys sit around all day and watch highlights of themselves shooting 3pt shots and arguing who is better. So SVG offers up all he has, some gray sport coats and black mock turtle necks in exchange for 45%+ shooting. The council debates and says yes, but as SVG heads back down into the Hollywood hills, Phil Jackson steps out with the entire squad of Laker Girls, handing one off to each council member and laughs creepily as some lightning crashes behind him.

So to battle they go at the Staples. SVG confident in his game plan that has worked for 3 straight series (arguably the toughest road of anyone to the Finals) They give LA a tough game but fall in the end of Game 1. Xerxes barely breaks a sweat though because for some inexplicable reason Derek Fisher has returned to 2001 form, Ariza is lights out and as a team they make 10 of 12 3's.

Orlando takes the second game in another tight one, but it only angers Xerxes who vows to send his elites to Orlando to dispose of them. Orlando prevails against the first wave, winning game 3, but is so beaten down that the series goes back to LA with the Lakers leading 3-2. Again Xerxes is still sitting on his throne, accepting all the praise. At this point it is becoming obvious that the 3pt gods are not with Orlando as they are shooting 22%.

The only thing keeping them in is Dwight going for 40 and 20 a night while 6 Lakers hang all over him. Going back to LA he knows he has to lobby for aid. He makes his case to the league by showing highlights of his embarrassing stunts in the dunk contests, his efforts in the Olympics, and taking a pass by Shaq between his legs during the All Star game. The league debates and decided that if he will sell himself out to Nike, so they can finally have a replacement roommate for Puppet Kobe, that they will turn the tide.

Dwight and the Spartans are confident with two games let to play that it will be a Magic victory. And in game 6 it is. But Xerxes is still yet to exert himself. In game 7 he comes down from his throne and wipes everyone out; Lakers, Magic, fans, Jack, Los Angeleans, Mickey Mouse...everyone. He relishes the bloodshed and his happiness grows with each kill. And once the game is over and he has his 4th trophy he yells out "I told you I could do it on my own...I told you I didn't need andy help...Hey Shaq, How this taste?" But only then does he realize that he has destroyed everyone, that there is nobody left to worship him after his victory. Filled with sadness, Xerxes turns and faces west, and slowly walks out to into the ocean until he has disappeared.

Pre Finals Preparations, Injury Report

With player's health playing into much of the chatter going into the big opener, we thought we would give you the straight story on the important injuries.

Dwight Howard (respect) is recovering and should be at full strength by tip off.

Jameer Nelson (shoulder) doesn't matter. Two words: Fisher and Farmar.

Kobe Bryant (ego) is completely healthy.

Magic Johnson (stroking Kobe's ego) is day to day as long as he doesn't actually believe what he says.

Mo Williams (eye) hurts a lot more now.

Danny Ferry (anxiety) is seeking a specialist in New York.

Nick Anderson (memory) is haunting him a little more than usual.

Stan Van Gundy (Laryngitis) is cleared to yell again.

Phil Jackson (frankensteinitis) just took a lightning bolt to the head. Should be good to whistle for a couple more games now.

Rafer Alston (ego + playing time) is looking over his shoulder.

LA and Orlando (fans) are sure there is something going on at the arena but not quite clear on what. Better go find out.

Pre Finals Preparations, MVPuppets Edition

I have loved the Most Valuable Puppet commercials. Some of the moments in those commercials are among my favorite Playoff moments. Here are a few:

Lil Dex to LeBron: You've got over 20 triple doubles, can I have one?

LeBron to Kobe (after answering the phone call from Mrs. Lewis): She said...YOU AIN'T GOT NO DEFENSE.

Kobe to LeBron (while he is parading around throwing chalk in the air): Why do we live together?

Lil Dex to Kobe: Kobe, Why you shave your 'fro? Are you more aerodynamic now?

Kobe to LeBron (on the phone long distance to each other right after Game 6, LeBron is in Orlando and Kobe in the apartment): Mrs. Lewis said you can share a room with Lil Dex until you get your own place.

My only hope now is that we don't get bombarded with Puppet commercials featuring only Kobe. The success was in the Puppet Roommate Chemistry. (If only Dwight Howard had signed with Nike) Turkoglu would be an awesome new roommate for Puppet Kobe. It might turn out a little like this show (though Kobe would have to grow out his 'fro again). They could cut to scenes of LeBron having dinner with Mrs. Lewis and Lil Dex, LeBron not being able to sleep at night because Hedo and Kobe and playing one-on-one. This could be really great.

Playoff Musings, Blindsided Edition

"Its so much fun to see someone get blindsided."

Not the exact quote but it was something close to that that everyone's favorite Mormon Survivor said just before his well laid plan was carried out, eliminating the Entrepreneur who thought he had the inside track on eliminating deep V Mormon boy. Entrepreneur never saw it coming, but the best part was the following week when deep V himself was blindsided. Its not often the blindsider gets blindsided immediately after doing the blindsiding. (for those keeping track, my percentage of blindside to words in that last sentence is equal to JR Smiths FG% in game 5)

The Conference Finals have provided a bit of blindsiding on their own. Magic winning game one, then losing game two. Then the Magic being up 3-1. There is also Denver hitting LA hard in the first two games and then getting knocked of their high horse in game 3 and 5. Its really been quite back and forth as far as the teams surprising one another. Who comes out on top of all this? The fans and the networks. Ratings are sky high and it correlates with genuine interest from all of us.

If you like getting blindsided, stop reading now. If you don't, read on. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Anyone who thought they were getting a Magic/Nuggets Finals is about to be blindsided this weekend, just like those who were convinced that it would be Cleveland/LA and then got T-Boned last weekend.

Jay-Z and LeBron have their own handshake. You've been warned for the last time Cleveland. (get in line now for a Cleveland Stimulus package...you're going to need it)

How does Dwight Howard not flip out every other possession with his team running around behind the 3 point line while he grapples with Big Z and Sideshow Bob only to have to race back down court because someone missed a stupid shot? If I'm Dwight Howard, everyone on my team has a copy of the game 4 overtimes and I hold them down and make them watch it before Game 6. (How does Rashard Lewis make 4 million more a year than D12?) When Howard goes Hulk-Smash on everyone at the Amway, don't say you weren't warned.

Playoff Musings, DPOY edition

I will openly admit at the onset that I watch way more basketball in the postseason than the regular season. In part because it is on every night and also because frankly its more exciting. Don't be misled and think that I am not an avid NBA fan just because my viewership peaks in May. With that disclaimer out of the way lets address the topic at hand.

The defense in the playoffs is getting worse and worse. And few are exempt, especially the D-POY himself.

Defensive Player of the Year. The best defender in the league. One on one, help defender, team defender, you name it they do it. Right? I'm not so sure I would go that far. It seems to only be a big man award. 20 of the 27 times it has been given out, it went to big men, forwards or centers, who include Olajuwon, David Robinson, Mutombo, Mourning and Garnett. (I hesitate to agree with Ben Wallace winning 4, but two of those came in the same year Steve Nash won back to back MVPs so lets just all agree the voters didn't know what was going on those years) Big men routinely win this award, but why. The stats tell the story there. There are two defensive stats; steals and blocks. Nine winners of the award led the league in blocks the same year they won the award and three other winers led the league in steals the year they won. Basically half of the winners were "statistically" superior, and of those stat leading winners, 90% of those came in the last 18 years. So its turning into a question of which is more impressive; Chris Paul's 2.8 steals or Dwight Howard's 2.9 blocks. Or was Dwyane Wade's combination of 1.6 blocks and 2.2 steals the most impressive? If you are using stats as the measuring stick, HOW do you know? The truth is, the stats will never tell you.

After seeing the Magic play more times than I care to, and watching Dwight Howard roam the paint, (though its more of a set up shop in the paint) I can't say I am all too impressed with the reigning D-POY (pronounced DEE poi). I know games get more physical, and some would say its the officiating and their quick whistles. If you watch Dwight, he roams around but more often than not be shies away from contesting the shot aggressively. If we look at just the evidence from the box scores we see that in the playoffs this year Howard has fouled out of 4 games, had 5 fouls in 4 others. Most of the fouls he gets called for are when he keeps his arms straight up on the air and jumps backward. Is that good defense? Now I understand that a big man is more likely to get fouls called on him because he is guarding the basket and plays at the rim usually result in fouls, but I won't accept that as a definitive excuse.

I am not singling out Howard, but he is a good example and is easy to follow. I hate to see it, but far to many players are falling into that routine; putting their arms straight up and hoping to not get the foul called. You know what, I hope they call the foul every time for being pansies on defense.

In the Rockets' two playoff series, Battier had the assignment against Brandon Roy and Kobe Bryant. Granted he was much more dedicated to Bryant than Roy, but Roy averaged over 7 FT attempts against Houston and Bryant was right at 6 per game, yet Battier never fouled out and only one time did he reach 5 fouls. If you watch Dahntay Jones in comparison, you'll see its no easy task. So good, hard nosed defense might just be rewarded with more leeway on the whistles.

Is this another Battier is underrated article? Not specifically. The best defense doesn't show up on the defender's stat sheet. It might not even be visible in any box score. But it sure is apparent when you are watching the game. Call me crazy, but good defense isn't watching Pau Gasol come barreling down the lane for a dunk so you don't pick up your 5th foul. Good defense is not jumping backward with your arms straight up in the air.

When was the last time this post season you saw a player change their shot because they were afraid of it being blocked? Only when LeBron was chasing them down from behind. Why was he chasing them down from behind? Because the two defenders that got back don't know how to stop a fast break. Why is the only thing we have seen throughout the whole LA/Denver series (and Orlando/Cleveland for that matter) been nothing more than a guy coming over to double team and then him passing to the open man? Because so few are the good one on one defenders. I am tired of seeing Kobe pass to a wide open Vujacic because JR Smtih left him open to "help". Like he was going to actually do anything to deter Kobe.

Maybe its the changes in the rules or the quick whistles of the 70 year old referees. Maybe its just just a lack of some good old fashioned defensive drills every once in a while. We hear all about some player showing up an hour early to work on the rhythm of his jumper. Can we get somebody showing up early to work on moving their feet on defense because they got beat off the dribble EVERY posession? Lets remember the days when Dutch Boy ruled the paint and the Davis Brothers cleaned up the rest. (how else do you think a team with Reggie Miller and Mark Jackson got past the First Round) Patrick Ewing never won a D-POY but he definitley had a little more fortitude in the middle than the Smiling Superman especially when he had Charles Oakley and Anthony Mason knocking guys out as they came near the paint.

Whistles are going to come. They always have and always will. But come on guys, "Its like we're not even trying"

Playoff Musings, Breakfast at Sulimay's Edition

The internet is a bottomless mine of creative and interesting things. Here is the latest thing I've found that I wish I would have though of first (via Stereogum). This is a group of candid old folks somewhere near Philadelphia who are given new music and whole-heartedly critique it. They share the same feelings on Animal Collective as yours truly, some love for universal blog darling Bon Iver, mixed opinions on hip-hop and a generally honest assessment of the music. Although the reviews are only based on 30 second clips, it still worth wasting a half hour or so seeing these old people cut through the hype/crap and call it as it is.

In the same vein of the aforementioned breakfast troupe, I am going to try and cut through some of the lingering hype of this years playoffs.

First of all, I think Dwight Howard is right. I wouldn't have said it at the first of the post season because the only previous hype he had gotten was over some ridiculous Dunk Contest theater. But as we stand today, I agree whole heartedly. (WARNING: He could drop a big turd sandwich the rest of the series and I would immediately do a 180 and give him the two word review for Spinal Tap's album Shark Sandwich.)

Second, we have briefly mentioned on here before the over use of the word CLOSER in the playoffs this year. It makes for a nice surface deep cross-over term from baseball, but what is a closer? In baseball its the guy you bring in when you are ahead in the 8th or 9th inning. So, your closer is your best front runner, your best pitcher for 3 to 6 outs when you are ahead. So if we cross over without changing the meaning, Kobe is the best front runner in the game. I am no expert on Kobe Bryant, but I think many people would agree that he is the best at playing from ahead. Last nights blow out is a perfect of example of him being terrible at playing from behind, which would only solidify him as a front runner. But here is the question; isn't everyone better playing with the lead as opposed to playing from behind or in close games? (On a side note, Kobe had a non-awkward moment last night, just to see what it was like.)

This brings me to my next point. Stats. In baseball we track hitting with runners in scoring position (on second or third base), so shouldn't we track players performance in close moments of games? It could be broken down to certain scenarios; down 20+, down 15-20, down 9-15, down 4-8, down 3 to up 3, up 4-8, up 9-15, up 15 to 20 and up 20+. To me that would be most telling of a players value on the court. Do they still play as hard, make correct decisions or take good shots as they are falling behind? I think you would find, if these stats existed, that coaches could coach better, by playing guys in the right situations. JR Smith is a good example. Great when its not a close game. Paul Pierce is great at making comebacks. Chauncey Billups on the other hand seems to play better in tight games. Now these are only gut feelings. Some stats would really tell the tale.

Back to Billups. He has to love playing the Lakers going clear back to the '04 Finals, when him and the New Bad Boys dismantled the Laker Dynasty. How many Nuggets games do you thing Joe Dumars has watched this post season? Do you thinks its more than Iverson has watched? I for one have watched almost all of them. And I have never been more impressed with the guy who used to sport the zig-zag shaved in part in his eraser head flattop. He seems to always make the right decisions, has just as big of a killer instinct as the Black Snake, and has a believable smile.

And a few random observations.

When was the last time Jeff Van Gundy Slept?
He has reached the Emperor Palpatine level of bags under his eyes.

Is it just me or does Phil Jackson look like Frankenstein on the sidelines in his extra large chair and lack of rotation in his neck?

All-Star Bullets

What this isn't: Observations about Wes Unseld or Elvin Hayes
What this is: Observations about the All-Star Weekend festivites

Shaq is still fun
The pre-game dancing went on about 4 minutes longer than he actually played in the game but I didn't care.
Calling Craig Sager unprofessional for asking about the Suns' coaching status during the pre-game was an unheralded highlight.

Dwight Howard is fun
I got a little tired of all the Dunk Contest gimmicks, the phone booth, but his performance Sunday made me penitent.
He might have the best smile in the league and its nice to see him along with all the other players smiling too.

Kobe is still awkward
10 shots in the first quarter? Really? Who was gunning for the MVP out there besides you? Nobody.

Pink and Orange don't match
Thanks Craig...now I don't have to ever look like an idiot while I figure it out.

The Dunk Contest lacks innovation
The 12 foot hoop was good, but couldn't you have done a more exciting dunk on it than that?
Another free throw line dunk? Really?
Was J.R. even trying?
Congratulations Nate for bringing a green ball...that was the pinnacle of innovation.

Joe Johnson not an All-Star
The most boring part of H-O-R-S-E.
22 minutes and ZERO points, including 0-3 from the 3 PT line.
You also managed 0 assists and 0 rebounds while committing 5 turnovers. Cool.

Durant is an All-Star
And he might have the coolest shoes in the league right now

Spike needs to give D-Wade a break
The bow-tie during the rookie game was great. The outfit during saturday night was fun. And the band-aid, well its a band-aid. What do you want on it, Snoopy? Little Mermaid?

LeBron will not be competing in the Dunk Contest
Do I need to explain this one?

The All-Star game hasn't figured out the music
Bring in one star hip-hopper too perform all the songs. Don't do video montages of Britney. Is this really that hard?

Congratulations Dwight

Lets all give Dwight Howard a big pat on the back and start the coronation of the new king of the NBA.

All of this because he beat Kendrick Perkins, Samuel Dalembert and Andrew Bogut in a popularity contest. Did anyone really think this vote would be close at all? There hasn't been a landslide like this since since FDR beat Alf Landon in the electoral vote or since choosy moms had to chose a peanut butter.

The only thing more ridiculous than any sort of analysis of the All-Star voting is this.

Dream Team-Up, Pt.2

(Part 2 of our continuing series of proposed team-ups for a hypothetical, winner takes all, All-Star Weekend 2-on-2 tournament)

Pairing #2

Team Name: The Men of Steel or Supermen
Team Members: Shaquille O'Neal and Dwight Howard



Remember when comic books decided to do alternate universes and multiple comics about- what to the layman or non-nerd or guy with a girlfriend would appear to be- the same character? That's what's been happening with Shaq and Dwight Howard. Both have made claims to the title- one with a tattoo (and, let's face it, actual titles) and the other with a cape and some Slam Dunk Contest Shenanigans.

Teaming up for the 2-on-2 tournament allows these guys to do a few things:

- Fuse their Supermanhood. That sounded bad. Really bad. But the point is that the power of two Supermen is undeniable.
- Be a matchup nightmare. There is almost no one in the league that can, 1-on-1, guard either of these guys. Now try to find TWO guys who can. (And, yes, the committee recognizes that being a matchup nightmare also makes them a matchup liability, but if they can get a lead...) In a halfcourt game especially- where taking it down the court is nullified- these guys check the ball and throw it inside. Who wants to face that?
- Allow Shaq to finally indulge in his dream to be a point guard. We've seen Shaq light up like Fleet Foxes at a beard growers convention whenever he gets a chance to bring the ball up the floor. Big Magic will finally get his shot. Like I said in the previous bullet point, he'll be pg'ing, but not fullcourt.
- Showcase the dominance of Orlando Magic centers, past and present. Sorry, Michael Doleac, Marcin Gortat, and Andrew Declerq. You didn't quite make the cut.
- Have an official Pass The Torch moment. The Most Dominant Center torch isn't going to Yao. And it's not going to Amare. It's going to Howard. This is the surest way to avoid any confusion, any "but Amare is my teammate" loyalties getting in the way. All the greats want to have a definitive moment where they passed the torch, and passed it to the heir they chose. This is it.
- Have an unofficial Pass The Torch moment. Shaq is about as likable as they come- good with the media, unbelievably good natured for a guy who gets mugged every time he touches the ball, likes to play around, fun, etc. Howard is next in line for this, more unofficial, title too. If these guys get a lead, you can count on some kind of Harlem Globetrotters routine breaking out.