Thursday, February 2, 2012

Three Ways For LeBron To Finally Win

1. Break up, fall off the face of the earth, get addicted to drugs, possibly die but then reappear looking half dead, disappear again and then 20 years later reunite with your boys and kick off a barnstorming tour of the country, in which you will only be playing in the biggest of arenas, with a couple of ultra-hyped press only shows that look something like this.

2. Beg George Lucas to make another 3 Star Wars movies and be cast as a Jedi with a green lightsaber* who dies in the first movie of that trilogy and then appears as a wise, blue ghost in the next two.  Not only will this give you incredible powers through the force, but you will become so powerful that you will train Batman, lead the A-Team, hunt down sex slave traders in Europe who took your daughter and then kill them, fight and kill giant wolves in the middle of the Alaskan mountains, be the most powerful of all Greek gods, save Narnia from the White Witch and then protect it forever, captain a Russian nuclear submarine, lead an Irish gang called The Dead Rabbits, and inspire Sam to go after Joanna because she is the love of his life.

*Note: There will be an urge to request a different colored lightsaber, like purple or orange or yellow, but resist that urge.  You want the green one or else you will end up getting eaten by giant sharks, have very frail bones and read comic books all day, assemble a task force anchored by Vin Diesel, never get to perform at Beatrix and Tommy's wedding, be Mr. Incredible's best man, coach a high school basketball team, ride on an airplane full of snakes, chain up Christina Ricci, and appear in 90 second clips after the credits of a handful of successful superhero movies.  Trust me, you want the green lightsaber.

3. Win the NBA Finals, in a 4 game sweep while averaging 40 pts, 15 rebounds, 12 assists all without passing the ball in the last 3 minutes of every game, never missing a shot over those 3 minutes, not turning the ball over either, and posting up every single play over those three minutes and scoring 15 points in that stretch.  Then do that not three, not four, not five, not six times, but some number beyond that.  In a row. 

It's really that simple.

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