Canada's Team/End of Season Edition

After losing out to another sub-.500 team for the final playoff spot (paging the league: let's make a .500 cutoff.) and on the brink of losing the only real star on such a disappointing team, Canada has spoken and here are the latest rankings in The Campaign To Become Canada's Team:

1: Vancouver Canucks
2: Ottawa Senators
3: Montreal Canadiens
4-thru-1,000,000: Anybody but the so disappointing Raptors and that includes Toronto's least favorite player Vince Carter's Magic*.
1,000,001: Toronto Raptors







* Don't worry. This is the first and last place you will ever see the Magic belong to Vince Carter. It was solely for clarity's sake.

Canada's Team/January Edition

THE RAPTORS ARE HOT, handing the Lakers their 11th loss and taking them out of contention to match the legendary Bulls' Best Season Ever mark. So let's take another look into the Toronto Raptors' bid to become Canada's Team, both legally and in the hearts of the Canadian people. Below the Canadian poll results below, you'll also find the Top 10 Heatseeking Markets (meaning, markets in which the popularity of the Raptors increased dramatically overnight).


1. Canadian Olympic Team
2. Toronto Maple Leafs
3. Neil Young (got the #TeamCoCo bump with an appearance on the last episode)
4. Edmonton Oilers
5. Calgary Flames
6. Ottawa Senators
7. Shania A-Twain (Apparently Canadians were proud of her American Idol guest judge appearance and threw their support behind her CCTRA [Cross Canadian Train Racing Association] team.)
8. TORONTO RAPTORS
9. Phoenix Suns (Nash-loyalty is at an all-time high)
10. Lilith Fair Roadie Curling Team (after a decade+ hiatus, Ms. Mclachlan's wildly popular curling team is back in the saddle)

Other notables
17. Vancouver Canucks
26. Toronto Blue Jays (75-87)
55. Speed (the little league hockey team that Keanu Reeves coaches for his Canadian TV reality show)

And by beating the Lakers, the Raptors' popularity swelled in the following markets.
10. Salt Lake City
9. Portland
8. Atlanta
7. Dallas
6. Littleton/Boulder area, CO
5. Orlando
4. Denver
3. Phoenix
2. Cleveland
1. Boston

Canada's Team/December Edition

Let's take another look into the Toronto Raptors' bid to become Canada's Team, both legally and in the hearts of the Canadian people. Of note this month: the rise of the Toronto Marlies and the regional popularity of Trevor Ariza's elbows. The current Top 10- based on a totally thorough and completely fake poll taken in Toronto- are as follows:


1. Toronto Marlies (Maple Leafs/Leaves farm team)
2. Toronto Maple Leafs (currently 11-14-7 and down a spot)
3. whatever team signs Trevor Ariza 'cause that kid has hockey moves to spare
4. Minor Midget Jr Canadians (supposedly best junior team in the world)
5. Canadian National Team (apparently ALL of them)
6. Edmonton Oilers
7. Canadian Bacon (Mike Meyers and Kevin Bacon's undefeated Fantasy Football team)
8. Calgary Flames
9. Ottawa Senators
10. Phoenix Suns (Nash-loyalty is at an all-time high)

Other notables
13. Toronto Raptors (11-15, a substantial climb from last poll
14. Vancouver Canucks
17. Skater Boiz (an Avril Lavigne-inspired, Hot Topic-sponsored glee club out of Saskatchewan)
26. Toronto Blue Jays (75-87)
47. Alanis Morrisette's road crew softball team, The Jagged Little Steals (steady)

Attention, shoppers, K-Mart is getting shut down

With apologies to the original, er, second original K- Mart (Kenyon Martin), the new K-Mart is getting shut down for 6-8 weeks.

Given our wager with The Kings, this certainly makes 14 wins by January 29 less likely. In honor of that, I made a quick list of things I might be doing in Utah- rather than attending a Jazz/Kings game- on Friday January 29.

- Writing a thank you note to the country of Spain for recognizing the benefits of trading matador for matador. Carlos Boozer will have no trouble with the bulls and the NBA's first bullfighter Ricardo Montoya, if he keeps up that hustle, will have no problem finding Jerry Sloan's good graces.

- Night skiing with Robert Redford, who'll need to decompress after a long Sundance. We'll have our usual talk about Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid and how it was kind of his Catcher In The Rye and how sometimes he wishes he had more Salinger in him.

- Countdown the days until the Vancouver Olympics start while simultaneously watching the Raptors' plummet in their bid to become Canada's Team.

- Watch TMZ.

- Read some message boards about the last season of Lost, wish that ABC hadn't cast Juliet in their new show V because it kind of tells you how limited her role will be, speculate on Sawyer/Kate/Jack replacing Juliet in their love square with...Sun? But then it would be a pentagon, which would explain the government conspiracy...

- Drink the last of my personal hoarded stash of egg nog.

- Burn a couple candles for the Kings at the shrine for St. Lenny Wilkens, the NBA's losingest coach.

"The Official Site of Canada's Team"

Wow. The browser header on Raptors.com is trying pretty hard.

But they're undefeated and they added a second loss to the LeShaq Cavs. Stay undefeated and, without question, the Raptors will be Canada's Team.

A quick exit poll in downtown Toronto this afternoon capitalized on the immense season-opening buzz generated by the colossal win. Poll results show respondents' top choices when asked, "Which team is Canada's Team?"

1. Toronto Maple Leafs (currently 1-7-2)
2. Toronto Maple Leaves (a lot of respondents weren't sure about pluralizing)
3. Toronto Marlies (Maple Leafs/Leaves farm team)
4. Edmonton Oilers (6-5-1)
5. Minor Midget Jr Canadians (supposedly best junior team in the world)
6. Vancouver Canucks (6-6-0)
7. Ottawa Senators (6-2-2)
8. Calgary Flames (7-3-1)
9. Chicago Blackhawks (7-3-1) and this one has some blogosphere backing
10. Montreal Canadiens (6-6-0)

Other notables
17. Toronto Blue Jays (75-87)
26. Phoenix Suns (there is some loyalty to Nash)
29. whatever pick-up team Steve Nash is playing on
30. Toronto Raptors (1-0)
47. Alanis Morrisette's road crew softball team, The Jagged Little Steals

Next time, we'll poll outside of Toronto too.

What Do Pope John Paul II, Whoopi Goldberg and Bob Hope Have In Common?

They were all talked into being a part of Globtrotter's lore. Just like I am trying to talk myself into the Heat's recent acquisition of Globetrotter alum Jamario Moon.

Last night's game-winning dunk by Marion makes this a little bittersweet. But the 6 blocks Jermaine had the other night are something to build on. Still, ugh...I feel like I'm trying to talk myself into either of the last two and a half Coldplay albums. I'm just glad the Heat haven't decided to suit up in Revolutionary War outfits. Is it just me or is Coldplay also wearing Han Solo's pants?

I know Riley likes a legitimate big man playing center. I do too. But Jermaine O'Neal? Why don't we hold out to get one with two working legs?

Dream Team-Up, Pt. 13

Team Name: Osh Josh B'Osh
Team Members: Josh Smith and Chris Bosh

Now here's a decent team. But- if we're honest- it's mostly just a funny name.

This pairing was conjured up before the mysterious Bosh injury. But maybe the guy above can take Bosh's spot. He looks tough and athletic.

Besides, his outfit sparked an idea. What if teams showed up to play, not in NBA or necessarily athletic attire, but more like themed costumes. Kind of like WWF meets The Warriors. Seeing Josh Smith and Chris Bosh play ball in overalls could be the best thing since the disaster that was letting the All Stars play in their teams' jerseys.

Meet Me In The Mourning. Or At Least The Middle

We can forgive Charlie T for being a bit of a homer. The face of his favorite franchise just hung it up like Junior Brown. Well, no one hangs it up like Junior Brown. But, then again, nobody was quite like Alonzo Mourning.

You can call this post a non-aggressive attempt to sway this blog to a more objective place. And I say that, fully admitting that there will always be a place for homer-ism here. We like to hear Bill Simmons talk about the Sox, Celts, and Pats. We like that Cameron Crowe worked Xavier McDaniel into Singles. Those things are endearing.

So let's meet in the middle, Charlie T.

WHO WAS ZO? THESE ARE THE FACTS.

- Certainly one of the best defensive centers ever after Bill Russell. He was a two-time NBA Defensive Player of the Year. While he played in the league, ballots practically arrived to voters with his name already punched. That's how often he was on the All Defensive Team.

- Speaking of punches, Zo was a fighter. Sure, he mixed it up on the court and had his share of scuffles, but I'm talking about another kind of fight. And that's the fight to come back after a kidney transplant and get an NBA championship. Committing to play D in the NBA is already a sign of heart, but he reached new levels of Unquestionability. Maybe we should call it, in honor of Zo, "having kidney," i.e. "that kid showed a lot of kidney laying out for that loose ball..." Maybe that's inappropriate.

- He was highly decorated. Gold medalist, First and Second Team All-NBA (during a period of particularly good centers), NBA All Star, All Rookie Team,

- He will always be connected to Shaquille O'Neal. They were drafted 1-2 and had a semi-documented rivalry that- come on, Charlie T- O'Neal owned. In the end, it was the Shaq/Wade combo that got Zo his ring. And, Charlie T, don't undersell the impact of Bennett Salvatore and/or Ring Wraith Posey.


- He couldn't get along with Grandmama. His inability to coexist with Larry Johnson got him shipped out of Charlotte, where he led the team in scoring, rebounding, and blocked shots. Now, tell me, if a team is willing to trade Player A (their scoring, rebounding, and blocked shot leader) to keep Player B happy, what does that say about Player A? Further, such was the animosity between LJ and Zo, that Zo went after Knick Grandmama in the famous Van Gundy Grabs Leg Brawl and brilliantly got himself suspended for the 5th and Deciding Game. That's showing some serious kidney, there.

- He complained his way out of his jersey. Literally. The Nets held onto him through his kidney troubles, only to be badtalked once he got back in the game. He vented to the media, which is the classiest way out if you ask, say, Starbury.

- Once Unhappy Zo was traded, he refused to report to his new team, the Raptors. "Pulling A Rony Seikaly" isn't a compliment.

- Despite these character assassinations, the guy is very, very charitable. He has a foundation that does amazing things and helped found Athletes For Hope. Something must've been in the water when he and Dikembe were at Georgetown because both of these guys do a lot of good.

- He was in a Hootie & The Blowfish video. I guess that could've gone in the charities' bullet. Emphasis on bullet.

- He would be the Heat's first retired number. Except they already retired numbers for Michael Jordan and Dan Marino. No joke.

Magically 3licious

Pardon the terrible title.

The Orlando Magic set an NBA record for 3-pointers made last night with 23. The record they broke was 21, set by Toronto in 2005. A couple of thoughts:

- JJ Reddick was 4-7. A renowned sharpshooter who has slumped of late, this was his kind of game. I'm guessing there was at least one hypnotist, 2 towels soaked in eau d'Cameron Indoor, three Coach K motivational mp3s, and a couple of "I think there are some NBA scouts in the arena tonight" rumors involved.

- Jameer Nelson was 5-5. I bet Reddick hears about that for awhile. Or he would, if he were actually not in some kind of hypnotic coma.
- The great Marcin Gortat was the only Magic player to attempt a 3-pointer and not make at least one. He too will have an earful for awhile. Dwight Howard can at least say he didn't even try to make one.

- The worst percentage- besides 0%- was PG Anthony Johnson who shot 1-4 (25%), everyone else was: 3-5, 3-5, 1-1, 4-7, 4-6, 1-2, 1-1. They were smoking hot. If I were anyone who'd made a shot, I wouldn't let a practice end without quietly suggesting that Johnson put in a little overtime working on his shot.
- HOW MANY NBA RECORDS ARE SET AGAINST VERITABLE DOORMATS? Sacramento, this record's victim, is sitting on a sorry record of 9-30. I can't imagine Philly was too good when Toronto set the original record of 21 3-pointers (though, Toronto was pretty weak at the time too, as Kobe went for a career-high 81 points a week later against them). If I were John Hollinger or some other skilled statistician/googler, I'd look this up. But you gotta believe that records aren't getting set against great teams, most of the time.

THE STERN BRACKET: A (ROUND ONE)

Let's kick off our OJ Hypothetical 2008 NBA Playoffs with the first round of Stern Bracket, A.

#2 DETROIT vs #15 TORONTO

To no one’s surprise, the Pistons strut, swagger, and circle dance their way to a 3-0 series lead. The plot thickens, however, when Rasheed Wallace, Rip Hamilton, and Chauncey Billups fail to show up for Game 4. Depending on which press release you believe, they either a) couldn’t find the arena due to a mixup involving “Centre” and “Center”, or b) took their usual, Piston-patented bout of complacency to an all-new, all-too-literal level. The Raptors squeeze out a quadruple OT win when, just as the third overtime is about to begin, one of the games Vince Carter mailed in years ago (but apparently got lost in the Canadian post) miraculously appears at Air Canada Centre/Center to nudge them over the top. Sheed, Rip, and Chauncey have little trouble finding their homecourt and kill Toronto’s cute little underdog puppy of a season in Game 5, once again re-asserting that Kid Rock is just a little less douchey than Bryan Adams and that America Junior only wins sports you can play on ice.

#7 PHOENIX vs #10 DALLAS
This matchup (clunkily entitled The Battle Of The Hugely Risky Trades That’ll Probably Result In Some Rolling Heads, or Subplots That David Stern Couldn’t Have Rigged Better, or Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock) is tight. The series knotted 2-2, Mark Cuban and Steve Kerr get bold, making history with the only trade ever completed during the playoffs: two shoo-in Hall of Famers straight across, Shaq for Kidd. With Shaq in the middle and Dirk finally playing Giant Power Forward like the Germans engineered him to, the Mavs ruin Kidd’s homecoming and steal homecourt.
Master (Kidd) and pupil (Nash) fail to coexist when it becomes apparent to the trained eye that one of them still has it and one of them doesn’t, and that the titles don’t exactly fit anymore. So, down 2-3, the Suns beg for a tradeback. Cuban hates to mess with success, but only slightly less than he hates missing the chance to get front page headlines. Green light!
Dallas fans know it’s a bad omen when they show up at Reunion Arena for Game 6 and it’s Chuck Palahniuk Night. The first 1,500 fans get copies of Choke. Palahniuk is disappointed when there’s no Fight Club-esque twist at the end and the Mavs simply choke. “So expected,” he derisively declares when asked.

In a panic, the teams trade yet again. Years later, this series will be considered The Series That Most Resembled Fantasy Sports.

Game 7, gives us our obligatory NBA/Scarface parallel when Nash kills his best friend. Not just winning the game, either. In a tragic accident, during one of the 674 times per game that Dirk takes his mouthpiece out, a lock of Nash’s flowing Canadian mane gets in there and chokes Nowitzki to death. “Better,” says Palahniuk. Shaq can’t resist: “I’m the Big Tiger. Steve’s the Little Hairball.”