Dragon Slaying

The Lakers, Spurs, Blazers, Nuggets, Jazz, Suns and Mavs have all been staples of the Western Conference playoffs the last decade or so. This lack of diversity in the Playoff gene pool has led to some great playoff games, great meltdowns and a great set up for this year. The late 90's proved to be the same kind of scenario in the Eastern Conference with the Knicks, Bulls, Pacers, and Heat. Coming from those series were a number of great Jordan moments, Reggie's theatrics and heroics versus the Knicks, and the Playoffs best announcer, Jeff Van Gundy, clinging to Alonzo Mourning's leg. It seemed that every year a Heat/Knicks matchup was inevitable, because it was. From 1997-2000, they met every year in the Playoffs and played the maximum number of games each series, with the clinching game of the series being decided in the closing moments of the game. Miami only beat the Knicks in one of those four series, the first one in 1997. After that, the Knicks became Miami's dragon; the naturally sworn enemy and inevitable matchup for the Heat, a matchup they could never overcome.

The Heat went through another stretch, although much shorter and less dramatic, when a matchup with the Detroit Pistons seemed destined every year. This may have had more to do with the Pistons versus Shaquille O'Neal (dating back to their upset of the Shaq/Malone/Kobe Lakers), but it was the Heat's dragon to slay if they wanted to win a championship. This year, the west is full of such destined matchups. Mavs/Spurs. Jazz/Nuggets. Suns/Spurs. Jazz/Lakers (potential). Suns/Lakers (potential). Lakers/Spurs (potential). Jazz/Spurs (potential). Its almost a paper/rock/scissors set up. Spurs own the Suns, Lakers own the Jazz, Spurs own the Lakers, Lakers own the Suns, and for the sake of the analogy lets just say the Jazz own the Suns. Each team seems to have a date with destiny, a passage though fire, or any other cliched hero/dating reference. Somebody is going to have to slay their team's figurative dragon.

Who wins in all this melee? We do. The way the first round has gone, we can almost assume that round two will be turned up to 11. I'm still hoping that Kevin Durant walks on water for the next two games of the Lakers/Thunder series, but if not it doesn't mean that the best basketball is behind us. Rather, its yet to come.

The Tables Have Turned

The worst thing about playing a team you are guaranteed to beat is the outside chance you won't beat them. Welcome to the psyche to everyone who has to play the Nettes in the last couple weeks of the season. Seeing the Nettes on the schedule right now is worse than seeing the orange-hot Milwaukee Bucks, the streaking Phoenix Suns, The Jackson Five, or even the Promise Making Chicago Bulls. You never want to lose to the worst team. Ever.


As a Heat fan I went through it a week ago as D-Wade and Co went to the Meadowlands and I am staring down the barrel of another potential disaster the last game of the season in Miami.

Here is why it sucks. Lets say you are the Phoenix Suns who are a game out of second place in the Western Conference. One of your rivals, the Mavs, are playing a tough Grizzlies team on the road and the other rival, the Jazz are playing a tricky Warriors team at home. You've got the Nettes on the schedule. One of the 3 worst teams OF ALL TIME but who are playing like a playoff team now. Winners of 3 out of 4 including one over the Spurs. So the Suns are thinking they are moving up to at least the 3rd seed and possibly the 2nd. You have penciled in a win because you don't think you'll be the team to lose to them. You won't be one of the 10 wins they have all season....right?

So while one Lopez tries to get braggin rights over the other, I'll be biting my nails hoping that the Nettes can pick up a win or two against someone else so it doesn't have to happen to my guys.

910 Conversation: Weekend Roundup

Psycho T Meter: 8
We promised to track the Psycho-ness of Psycho Tyler Hansbrough throughout the season as he tries to translate his college hustle to the pros. Due to a shin injury we have had to put this on the back burner until this weekend when he saw his first action.

In his first professional game he managed to find a way to dive after a lose ball into the stands. We also go our money's worth of Hustle Faces. All that adds up to an 8 on the Psycho T Meter. (see below)



Sacramento Kings Wins: 2, 3
We might have to adjust our wager at this point and change it to Jazz wins by the end of January. I thought the win vs. the Jazz was an aberration, but they backed it up by inching closer to .500 against the Jay Bilas All-Stars. We may be looking at courtside seats at this rate.

Celtics Countdown to 10 loses: 1
Minus the game against Orlando where they sent their "B" team, the Suns went 3-1 on a very difficult east coast swing. The Celtics on the other hand are lucky the Baby Wolves don't know how to finish a game or this would be the Celtics 2nd loss. 72 wins is still technically on the radar.

Memphis Thirtysomethings: 3
Rudy Gay drops 33 on the Clipps. This was without factoring in the Clippers handicap. So in reality he had about 17 which is a solid night. In other Grizzlies news, our favorite Thritysomething Allen Iverson will have to really pick up the pace to appear in thirty games this year.

Phoenix Suns: 1 (pending)
Though he hasn't quite gotten it, Shaq is currently working overtime trying to figure out how to steal this late career rebirth from Steve Nash. Hey Shaq, I might be going out on a limb here, but I doubt its in the Cuyahoga Police Department.

Change Of Plans For The Weekend

Here is a friendly little reminder, for all our readers across America, to update your weekend schedules accordingly.

Phoenix

The Suns PR has informed us that Friday the 13th 3-D will not be shown as part of a post All-Star block party downtown out front of Stoudemire's Downtown. Plan accordingly.

Coincidentally 140 points in a single game will also not be seen the rest of the year.

New Orleans

The Chris Wilcox Welcoming Party featuring Master P at the House of Blues has been moved to Nokia Theater at Times Square.
Also, Master P is off the bill and Jay-Z will instead be performing.

An unpacking party at Chandler's has just been confirmed. It is scheduled to start around 5:30. Please wear closed toe shoes.

Park City

Skiing with the Celtic's Big 3 at the Canyons has been postponed indefinitely as part of the West Coast push for Paul Pierce's "Truth Strikes Again" charity. Apparently Garnett couldn't make it...some kind of doctor's appointment.

Recently added to the local calendar is an intimate party at Harry-O's. Details say "for Boozer and his agent only. Drinks are on the house"

Dream Team-Up, Pt. 15

Team Name: Black Mambas
Team Members: Kobe Bryant and Amare Stoudemire

Black Mambas works for Kobe because he gave himself the nickname. It's only fitting he would name the team too. (Take note, Mitch Kupchak.)
Black Mambas works for Amare because nobody seems to want him around just like you wouldn't want the snake around either. It also works for Amare because- when faced with a Black Mamba- you are defense-less.

Plus Bryant gets stiffed by Shaq, LeBron, Gasol and now Bynum is hurt and who else really wants to play with Kobe? Bruce Bowen? Derek Fisher? Kobe's smart enough to choose a big guy no matter how defensively porous he is. Because somebody gots to get the boards if I ever miss...(calculated laughter that lasts a little too long.)

This is maybe the second most daunting pairing we came up with. Which means the best one is coming...

Dream Team-Up, Pt. 5

BFF

Dirk: Hey! hows it goin
Steve: good man u
Dirk: good u hear about the 2 on 2
Steve: u mean the all * thing
Dirk: yeah
Steve: yeah shaq told me
Dirk: oh

(twenty minutes pass)

Dirk: u wanna do it

(two hours pass)

Dirk: did u get my txt
Steve: oh yeah srry
Dirk: its cool

(ten minutes pass)

Steve: u c valkyrie? prty good.
Dirk: not yet guys went last nite

(next day...Dirk shoots 2-19 that night)

Dirk: hey! how was ur game
Steve: good we won
Dirk: cool
Dirk: u dcide about the 2 on 2
Steve: oh yeah srry
Dirk: its cool

(thirty minutes pass)

Steve: my fntsy soccer team is struggling
Dirk: srry man

(next day)

Dirk: i saw valkyrie
Steve: cool
Dirk: yeah tom is guten
Steve: gluten?
Dirk: good
Steve: oh
Dirk: so the 2 on 2
Steve:
Dirk: what was that got an empty msg

(4 hours later)

Dirk: hey the 2 on 2 thing
Steve: oh yeah
Dirk: wanna do it
Steve: sure shaqs doin it
Dirk: cool i turned r thing in

THE STERN BRACKET: A (ROUND ONE)

Let's kick off our OJ Hypothetical 2008 NBA Playoffs with the first round of Stern Bracket, A.

#2 DETROIT vs #15 TORONTO

To no one’s surprise, the Pistons strut, swagger, and circle dance their way to a 3-0 series lead. The plot thickens, however, when Rasheed Wallace, Rip Hamilton, and Chauncey Billups fail to show up for Game 4. Depending on which press release you believe, they either a) couldn’t find the arena due to a mixup involving “Centre” and “Center”, or b) took their usual, Piston-patented bout of complacency to an all-new, all-too-literal level. The Raptors squeeze out a quadruple OT win when, just as the third overtime is about to begin, one of the games Vince Carter mailed in years ago (but apparently got lost in the Canadian post) miraculously appears at Air Canada Centre/Center to nudge them over the top. Sheed, Rip, and Chauncey have little trouble finding their homecourt and kill Toronto’s cute little underdog puppy of a season in Game 5, once again re-asserting that Kid Rock is just a little less douchey than Bryan Adams and that America Junior only wins sports you can play on ice.

#7 PHOENIX vs #10 DALLAS
This matchup (clunkily entitled The Battle Of The Hugely Risky Trades That’ll Probably Result In Some Rolling Heads, or Subplots That David Stern Couldn’t Have Rigged Better, or Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock) is tight. The series knotted 2-2, Mark Cuban and Steve Kerr get bold, making history with the only trade ever completed during the playoffs: two shoo-in Hall of Famers straight across, Shaq for Kidd. With Shaq in the middle and Dirk finally playing Giant Power Forward like the Germans engineered him to, the Mavs ruin Kidd’s homecoming and steal homecourt.
Master (Kidd) and pupil (Nash) fail to coexist when it becomes apparent to the trained eye that one of them still has it and one of them doesn’t, and that the titles don’t exactly fit anymore. So, down 2-3, the Suns beg for a tradeback. Cuban hates to mess with success, but only slightly less than he hates missing the chance to get front page headlines. Green light!
Dallas fans know it’s a bad omen when they show up at Reunion Arena for Game 6 and it’s Chuck Palahniuk Night. The first 1,500 fans get copies of Choke. Palahniuk is disappointed when there’s no Fight Club-esque twist at the end and the Mavs simply choke. “So expected,” he derisively declares when asked.

In a panic, the teams trade yet again. Years later, this series will be considered The Series That Most Resembled Fantasy Sports.

Game 7, gives us our obligatory NBA/Scarface parallel when Nash kills his best friend. Not just winning the game, either. In a tragic accident, during one of the 674 times per game that Dirk takes his mouthpiece out, a lock of Nash’s flowing Canadian mane gets in there and chokes Nowitzki to death. “Better,” says Palahniuk. Shaq can’t resist: “I’m the Big Tiger. Steve’s the Little Hairball.”