After losing out to another sub-.500 team for the final playoff spot (paging the league: let's make a .500 cutoff.) and on the brink of losing the only real star on such a disappointing team, Canada has spoken and here are the latest rankings in The Campaign To Become Canada's Team:
1: Vancouver Canucks
2: Ottawa Senators
3: Montreal Canadiens
4-thru-1,000,000: Anybody but the so disappointing Raptors and that includes Toronto's least favorite player Vince Carter's Magic*.
1,000,001: Toronto Raptors
* Don't worry. This is the first and last place you will ever see the Magic belong to Vince Carter. It was solely for clarity's sake.
Showing posts with label Vince Carter. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Vince Carter. Show all posts
Monday, April 19, 2010
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
TeeMak Reinvents The Postage Stamp
I went to the Jazz/Knicks game the other night and, besides being underwhelmed by the Jazz's nonexistent Blood In The Water instinct, I was completely floored by a player I didn't think I could like less.
Tracy McGrady, you are a being of miraculous ways. There I was, thinking I despised you at the very peak of my despise-ation. And you, with your loafing indifference and half-assed shrugs (I mean, MAN, who shrugs half-assedly? A shrug is, by definition, half-ass!), cleared the clouds away, revealing yet ANOTHER PEAK OF DESPISE-ATION. Plaudits, Tracy.
In any other job, you would be fired. And your severance package would stink because your employer would have just cause. You clearly don't give a crap. You couldn't defend a mime in a fake box. And wouldn't even try. For millions upon millions of dollars. Ask the average American what they would do for just ONE million dollars.
Take a charge every night for 82 nights? Absolutely.
Run myself to exhaustion everyday for a full calendar year? No question.
Live in NYC and play basketball? Wait. YOU are paying ME?
You talented, lazy prince of the coast. Only in the unreality world of the NBA and its ridiculous contracts can you get away with such garbage. No wonder Houston sat on you until they could ship you to somebody who "wanted" you. Frankly, I'm amazed D'Antoni even bothers. He's shown no aversion to sitting purported "studs." (And let's get this out of the way now: you are no longer a stud. You may have been a star. Moronic voters may have been deluded enough to nearly vote you into an all-star position. But you are done. Cooked.)
Would I be so abrasive if you tried? No. I respect guys whose knees have quit but whose hearts refuse to. I respect guys whose grit outweighs their talent. I respect guys whose effort nods to the fact that they're blessed to get to go do for a living what the rest of us carve time out of our pathetic lives to do for FUN.
I hereby take away from your cousin Vince the moniker of The Postage Stamp. Your revolutionary approach to mailing it in has shamed him. Congratulations. I'll even capitalize the "T" in PosTage Stamp for you. Since I know you'd be too lazy to do it yourself.
PS: Thanks for the draft pick.
Tracy McGrady, you are a being of miraculous ways. There I was, thinking I despised you at the very peak of my despise-ation. And you, with your loafing indifference and half-assed shrugs (I mean, MAN, who shrugs half-assedly? A shrug is, by definition, half-ass!), cleared the clouds away, revealing yet ANOTHER PEAK OF DESPISE-ATION. Plaudits, Tracy.
In any other job, you would be fired. And your severance package would stink because your employer would have just cause. You clearly don't give a crap. You couldn't defend a mime in a fake box. And wouldn't even try. For millions upon millions of dollars. Ask the average American what they would do for just ONE million dollars.
Take a charge every night for 82 nights? Absolutely.
Run myself to exhaustion everyday for a full calendar year? No question.
Live in NYC and play basketball? Wait. YOU are paying ME?
You talented, lazy prince of the coast. Only in the unreality world of the NBA and its ridiculous contracts can you get away with such garbage. No wonder Houston sat on you until they could ship you to somebody who "wanted" you. Frankly, I'm amazed D'Antoni even bothers. He's shown no aversion to sitting purported "studs." (And let's get this out of the way now: you are no longer a stud. You may have been a star. Moronic voters may have been deluded enough to nearly vote you into an all-star position. But you are done. Cooked.)
Would I be so abrasive if you tried? No. I respect guys whose knees have quit but whose hearts refuse to. I respect guys whose grit outweighs their talent. I respect guys whose effort nods to the fact that they're blessed to get to go do for a living what the rest of us carve time out of our pathetic lives to do for FUN.
I hereby take away from your cousin Vince the moniker of The Postage Stamp. Your revolutionary approach to mailing it in has shamed him. Congratulations. I'll even capitalize the "T" in PosTage Stamp for you. Since I know you'd be too lazy to do it yourself.
PS: Thanks for the draft pick.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Half Way Home
Most of the NBA teams have passed the half way point of their season, with the exception of those who are going on to the playoffs of course. I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to get more involved in the analysis of my NBA team; the Miami Heat. Last I checked in with them, I was thinking NBA Finals when then unbeaten Phoenix came to town. Both teams were 3-0 so it was a little premature to say the least. Since then I have never quite had a chance to get too high on them since their longest winning streak of the season has been 3, and that has only happened twice. After last nights 39 point drubbing by the Scrap Heap, I have a bit of a bitter taste in my mouth. So excuse me if this feels a little "glass half empty".
Trying to assess my feelings about this team is hard. My feelings fall into three places. Beasley. Wade. 2010. Everything else, like the Dorrell Wright Experience, the point guard carousel and the $22 Million Man are points of question and fury, but this team hinges on the other three components.
One game Michael Beasley seems like a legitimate NBA player which convinces me that he would be a good asset to keep around. Then the next game it becomes blatantly obvious that Udonis Haslem is a saint for coming off the bench behind the Beas. UD could out hustle Beasley even if he were on crutches. So when Beasley's value is high, I want to keep him. When it is low, I want him dangled in front of every GM from Colangelo to Kupchak. Beasley needs to give this team something on a regular basis, we all know that. The question is whether its him maturing and finding consistency with the Heat or turning into someone who will. If I had to make a list of the top 5 guys filling Beasley's role (a great third option...lets face it, he is not a second banana) he would probably be fourth on the list behind a real legitimate big man like Bosh or Bynum. There is no way Toronto makes anymore trades with the Heat and the Lakers don't need another versatile big man after Gasol, Odom and Artest.
Next we have Wade. I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship. One day I feel extremely confident that Dwyane is a lifer. The next day he gives us a Vince Carter Special Delivery leaving me to think he is on the first train out of town come July 31st. Is it too late to be a Thunder fan?
Finally 2010. Someone is going to be the bride without a groom. There just isn't enough LeBron, Wade and Bosh to go around. I've had this t-shirt in my shopping cart about 5 different times, but never pulled the trigger because I was afraid to jinx the whole thing.
In the end, is 2010 the answer? Aren't there just too many missing pieces? Outside of Wade and Haslem, who is there on this team who can be considered a building block to a championship team? I guess I'm glad its not 2007-08 all over again. And I can still see the confetti falling onto the floor in 2006.
Trying to assess my feelings about this team is hard. My feelings fall into three places. Beasley. Wade. 2010. Everything else, like the Dorrell Wright Experience, the point guard carousel and the $22 Million Man are points of question and fury, but this team hinges on the other three components.
One game Michael Beasley seems like a legitimate NBA player which convinces me that he would be a good asset to keep around. Then the next game it becomes blatantly obvious that Udonis Haslem is a saint for coming off the bench behind the Beas. UD could out hustle Beasley even if he were on crutches. So when Beasley's value is high, I want to keep him. When it is low, I want him dangled in front of every GM from Colangelo to Kupchak. Beasley needs to give this team something on a regular basis, we all know that. The question is whether its him maturing and finding consistency with the Heat or turning into someone who will. If I had to make a list of the top 5 guys filling Beasley's role (a great third option...lets face it, he is not a second banana) he would probably be fourth on the list behind a real legitimate big man like Bosh or Bynum. There is no way Toronto makes anymore trades with the Heat and the Lakers don't need another versatile big man after Gasol, Odom and Artest.
Next we have Wade. I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship. One day I feel extremely confident that Dwyane is a lifer. The next day he gives us a Vince Carter Special Delivery leaving me to think he is on the first train out of town come July 31st. Is it too late to be a Thunder fan?
Finally 2010. Someone is going to be the bride without a groom. There just isn't enough LeBron, Wade and Bosh to go around. I've had this t-shirt in my shopping cart about 5 different times, but never pulled the trigger because I was afraid to jinx the whole thing.
In the end, is 2010 the answer? Aren't there just too many missing pieces? Outside of Wade and Haslem, who is there on this team who can be considered a building block to a championship team? I guess I'm glad its not 2007-08 all over again. And I can still see the confetti falling onto the floor in 2006.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
The Postage Stamp Only Rings Twice
Watching the Magic/Lakers game last night (yes, I watched), it was hard not to accuse an (in his defense) obviously injured, beshirted Vince Carter of mailing in the first three quarters (1-for-7, I believe) and then turning it on (what, 2 three-pointers in the waning moments?) when the game was all but out of reach?
I don't know. I'm conflicted.
All I know is that part of me loved watching the gunning of the Magic (when it was working) and part of me thought that they could never win a championship when their gameplan depends on the strike of lightning.
Part of me also thought Stan Van might miss his little Hedo. Just a little.
I don't know. I'm conflicted.
All I know is that part of me loved watching the gunning of the Magic (when it was working) and part of me thought that they could never win a championship when their gameplan depends on the strike of lightning.
Part of me also thought Stan Van might miss his little Hedo. Just a little.
Friday, June 26, 2009
We Keep Waiting
Rewind to mid-February. Rumors were rampant of blockbuster trades to shed salaries. But all we ended up with was Jermaine to the Heat, Chauncey to Denver and a few other minor trades that were over hyped due to the lack of movement. Then we waited for Utah to become the sleeper in the West, Shaq to put the Suns in a first round match-up with Kobe, LeBron to collect his first title, KG to come hobbling out of the tunnel and be an instant "Where Amazing Happens" commercial. But as much as we hoped for it, nothing happened. Orlando made the Finals beating both Boston and Cleveland who were scheduled to battle for the Finals from the get go of the season. The Lakers silenced darlings all the way to the Larry O'Brien trophy; Houston and Chris Rock Jr's Red bow tie, Denver and Chauncy's home coming and finally Orlando's hot shooting. Time and again we (or maybe just me) kept talking ourselves into something new and exciting that could happen, that we wanted to happen.
Then the NBA Draft started creeping up on us. And the days prior to it were like a page taken from a video game where you make the computer accept ridiculous trades in order to load your team up. Shaq to Cleveland. 5 months too late. VC to Orlando. A big game choker to a team that recently did just that only in the process they their only two clutch players; Hedo and Courtney Lee (I don't think Lee's missed lob was his fault at all) Richard Jefferson and his tiny ears to the Spurs. How fast do you think it took for RC Buford (best GM name ever) to say yes to this one? I say he put his hand over the phone and whispered over to Pop something like, "Would you trade your '96 Corolla, '94 Ford Ranger and $500 bucks for a '05 5 series?" To which Pop replied, "Is that the Bucks on the other line?"
So now we have Cleveland, Phoenix, Orlando, New Jersey and Milwaukee talking themselves into things. The Shaq Era, The Steve Kerr Era, The Vinsanity Era, 2010 Leftovers in Jersey, and the Fabricio Bogut Era. Maybe these trades will end up being just what everyone needs, but I'll wait until I'm proved wrong.
The Draft was a night of Stu Scott, Marc Jackson and JVG trying to get excited about each draft pick and at the same time avoid eye contact with Jay Bilas. Even the "at the chair" interviews were painful, like trying to get through a blind date with your aunt's neighbor's daughter at Red Robin painful.
Looking at the first two quarters of music, there is a bit of a parallel. Earlier we highlighted a few anticipated releases for the first half of the year, which never really panned out to be what he had hoped. We keep hoping, waiting for that to change. Signs point for that to happen next week. So stay tuned.
Then the NBA Draft started creeping up on us. And the days prior to it were like a page taken from a video game where you make the computer accept ridiculous trades in order to load your team up. Shaq to Cleveland. 5 months too late. VC to Orlando. A big game choker to a team that recently did just that only in the process they their only two clutch players; Hedo and Courtney Lee (I don't think Lee's missed lob was his fault at all) Richard Jefferson and his tiny ears to the Spurs. How fast do you think it took for RC Buford (best GM name ever) to say yes to this one? I say he put his hand over the phone and whispered over to Pop something like, "Would you trade your '96 Corolla, '94 Ford Ranger and $500 bucks for a '05 5 series?" To which Pop replied, "Is that the Bucks on the other line?"
So now we have Cleveland, Phoenix, Orlando, New Jersey and Milwaukee talking themselves into things. The Shaq Era, The Steve Kerr Era, The Vinsanity Era, 2010 Leftovers in Jersey, and the Fabricio Bogut Era. Maybe these trades will end up being just what everyone needs, but I'll wait until I'm proved wrong.
The Draft was a night of Stu Scott, Marc Jackson and JVG trying to get excited about each draft pick and at the same time avoid eye contact with Jay Bilas. Even the "at the chair" interviews were painful, like trying to get through a blind date with your aunt's neighbor's daughter at Red Robin painful.
Looking at the first two quarters of music, there is a bit of a parallel. Earlier we highlighted a few anticipated releases for the first half of the year, which never really panned out to be what he had hoped. We keep hoping, waiting for that to change. Signs point for that to happen next week. So stay tuned.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Trade Questions
First of all, the rumor mill and the "reliable sources" are growing tiresome. The facts, so far, about this Trade Season is that it's all small fries. It's smaller than the card game in Almost Famous when Stillwater's manager uses the Band Aids as a bet. These aren't power players. In fact, most of them are minor pieces. Role players, for some of these guys, is an overstatement. Role sitters is probably more accurate.
So some thoughts:
The Big Cactus to the Cavs
A) There's no way.
B) How great would it be if Shaq just kept traveling and reeling in the championships? At this point, I want him to create a big cushion that'll make it harder for Kobe to "prove himself." I know All-Star Weekend was supposed to eradicate those rivalry feelings. It didn't. Shaq still wants to win The Legacy Battle with Kobe-san.
C) Would this basically be admitting, within a week, that the last 3 big moves they made were failures? 1) Watch Shawn Marion drift off like one of the Oceanic 6 with no island and then get traded to Canada. 2) Fire Terry Porter while watching D'Antoni make the Knicks a story again. 3) Trade Shaq?
The Big Postage Stamp to ____
The only thing that makes this seem possible is New Jersey's dogged determination to clear room for that kid that Jay-Z likes. Mostly, I'm surprised by the teams that are supposedly showing interest- San Antonio and Portland? These are, in my mind, two of the teams that are doing the right stuff to create winning atmospheres.
Is Tyson Chandler happy?
That first practice is going to have Michael Scott Level Awkwardness. I think the players will be fine. But I bet management hates seeing Chandler's agent's number on the caller I.D.
The Buck Stops Richard Jefferson
Chris Broussard says Milwaukee wants to ditch Richard Jefferson. As if anything that organization is doing ever makes sense. I bet they still drunk dial Ray Allen.
Starbury is going nowhere.
That sentence couldn't be more correct on every level. If I were a New York beat writer, I would write a fiery indictment and title it The Cancerbury Tales.
So some thoughts:
The Big Cactus to the Cavs
A) There's no way.
B) How great would it be if Shaq just kept traveling and reeling in the championships? At this point, I want him to create a big cushion that'll make it harder for Kobe to "prove himself." I know All-Star Weekend was supposed to eradicate those rivalry feelings. It didn't. Shaq still wants to win The Legacy Battle with Kobe-san.
C) Would this basically be admitting, within a week, that the last 3 big moves they made were failures? 1) Watch Shawn Marion drift off like one of the Oceanic 6 with no island and then get traded to Canada. 2) Fire Terry Porter while watching D'Antoni make the Knicks a story again. 3) Trade Shaq?
The Big Postage Stamp to ____
The only thing that makes this seem possible is New Jersey's dogged determination to clear room for that kid that Jay-Z likes. Mostly, I'm surprised by the teams that are supposedly showing interest- San Antonio and Portland? These are, in my mind, two of the teams that are doing the right stuff to create winning atmospheres.
Is Tyson Chandler happy?
That first practice is going to have Michael Scott Level Awkwardness. I think the players will be fine. But I bet management hates seeing Chandler's agent's number on the caller I.D.
The Buck Stops Richard Jefferson
Chris Broussard says Milwaukee wants to ditch Richard Jefferson. As if anything that organization is doing ever makes sense. I bet they still drunk dial Ray Allen.
Starbury is going nowhere.
That sentence couldn't be more correct on every level. If I were a New York beat writer, I would write a fiery indictment and title it The Cancerbury Tales.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Dream Team-Up, Pt.1
Team ups have been happening for decades.
Marvel Team-Up
Dylan and Cash doing Girl From The North Country
Dylan and The Dead
Dylan and Anybody
Even the I'm Not There soundtrack had some legendary pairings.
Stephen Malkmus with the Million Dollar Bashers (members of Sonic Youth, Wilco, Television, Medeski Martin & Wood)
Eddie Vedder with the Million Dollar Bashers
Jim James and Calexico
Roger McGuinn and Calexico
Willie Nelson and Calexico
Calexico and apparently anybody
In anticipation of the forthcoming all-star Nick Drake tribute compilation, Dark Was The Night (which is a veritable who's who of indie rock pairings), the NBA All-Star festivities, and Obama bullying his way around to make changes in all sports (including the long awaited College Football Playoff), we're creating our ultimate All Star Team-Ups.
Everyday until its release, Dark Was The Night will be posting a new song here. Likewise, we'll be posting a new pairing from our hypothetical (for now) 16 team Two-on-Two All-Star Tournament. It's our jocky way of paying tribute to Nick Drake through both inspired and ridiculous pairings.
In the spirit of Obama's change and our forebearer Bill Simmons' constant desire to change All-Star Weekend, we propose a massive 2-on-2 tourney. The rules are simple: make your own team. Play in a seeded tournament (part John Hollinger, part David Stern, part PT Barnum). Winners go home with a million apiece. Simple.
These are the teams we'd like to see, starting with:
Pairing #1
Team Name: Round 2, or Cuzzins
Team Members: Vince Carter and TEEmak
Team Synopsis: Look at all of the unrealized potential of those bygone Raptors days. Both players have learned a lot. Probably. Maybe. A few things are uncertain: Will TEEmak be injured? Will Vinsanity show up? Or will The Great Canadian Postage Stamp be the one making the appearance? Can they peacefully coexist? Or will this turn into some Tyler Perry Family Reunion montage of guffawful hilarity? Are there even enough ill-advised shots to go around? Not to mention failed hero moments? One thing is for certain: this team is NOT tasting the second round.
Friday, June 13, 2008
THE STERN BRACKET: A (ROUND ONE)
Let's kick off our OJ Hypothetical 2008 NBA Playoffs with the first round of Stern Bracket, A.
To no one’s surprise, the Pistons strut, swagger, and circle dance their way to a 3-0 series lead. The plot thickens, however, when Rasheed Wallace, Rip Hamilton, and Chauncey Billups fail to show up for Game 4. Depending on which press release you believe, they either a) couldn’t find the arena due to a mixup involving “Centre” and “Center”, or b) took their usual, Piston-patented bout of complacency to an all-new, all-too-literal level. The Raptors squeeze out a quadruple OT win when, just as the third overtime is about to begin, one of the games Vince Carter mailed in years ago (but apparently got lost in the Canadian post) miraculously appears at Air Canada Centre/Center to nudge them over the top. Sheed, Rip, and Chauncey have little trouble finding their homecourt and kill Toronto’s cute little underdog puppy of a season in Game 5, once again re-asserting that Kid Rock is just a little less douchey than Bryan Adams and that America Junior only wins sports you can play on ice.
#2 DETROIT vs #15 TORONTO
#7 PHOENIX vs #10 DALLAS
This matchup (clunkily entitled The Battle Of The Hugely Risky Trades That’ll Probably Result In Some Rolling Heads, or Subplots That David Stern Couldn’t Have Rigged Better, or Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock) is tight. The series knotted 2-2, Mark Cuban and Steve Kerr get bold, making history with the only trade ever completed during the playoffs: two shoo-in Hall of Famers straight across, Shaq for Kidd. With Shaq in the middle and Dirk finally playing Giant Power Forward like the Germans engineered him to, the Mavs ruin Kidd’s homecoming and steal homecourt.
Master (Kidd) and pupil (Nash) fail to coexist when it becomes apparent to the trained eye that one of them still has it and one of them doesn’t, and that the titles don’t exactly fit anymore. So, down 2-3, the Suns beg for a tradeback. Cuban hates to mess with success, but only slightly less than he hates missing the chance to get front page headlines. Green light!
Dallas fans know it’s a bad omen when they show up at Reunion Arena for Game 6 and it’s Chuck Palahniuk Night. The first 1,500 fans get copies of Choke. Palahniuk is disappointed when there’s no Fight Club-esque twist at the end and the Mavs simply choke. “So expected,” he derisively declares when asked.
This matchup (clunkily entitled The Battle Of The Hugely Risky Trades That’ll Probably Result In Some Rolling Heads, or Subplots That David Stern Couldn’t Have Rigged Better, or Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock) is tight. The series knotted 2-2, Mark Cuban and Steve Kerr get bold, making history with the only trade ever completed during the playoffs: two shoo-in Hall of Famers straight across, Shaq for Kidd. With Shaq in the middle and Dirk finally playing Giant Power Forward like the Germans engineered him to, the Mavs ruin Kidd’s homecoming and steal homecourt.
Master (Kidd) and pupil (Nash) fail to coexist when it becomes apparent to the trained eye that one of them still has it and one of them doesn’t, and that the titles don’t exactly fit anymore. So, down 2-3, the Suns beg for a tradeback. Cuban hates to mess with success, but only slightly less than he hates missing the chance to get front page headlines. Green light!
Dallas fans know it’s a bad omen when they show up at Reunion Arena for Game 6 and it’s Chuck Palahniuk Night. The first 1,500 fans get copies of Choke. Palahniuk is disappointed when there’s no Fight Club-esque twist at the end and the Mavs simply choke. “So expected,” he derisively declares when asked.
In a panic, the teams trade yet again. Years later, this series will be considered The Series That Most Resembled Fantasy Sports.
Game 7, gives us our obligatory NBA/Scarface parallel when Nash kills his best friend. Not just winning the game, either. In a tragic accident, during one of the 674 times per game that Dirk takes his mouthpiece out, a lock of Nash’s flowing Canadian mane gets in there and chokes Nowitzki to death. “Better,” says Palahniuk. Shaq can’t resist: “I’m the Big Tiger. Steve’s the Little Hairball.”
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