Thursday, June 4, 2009

Pre Finals Preparations, 300 edition


Sparta: The Orlando Magic
They have the new and different way of playing (heavy on 3pt shooting) much like the unique Phalanx Formation of the Greeks.

King Leonidas: Stan Van Gundy (not because of stature, but because of yelling power)
Queen Gorgo: Dwight Howard (always concerned with his team getting the proper support from the nation)
Dilios: Hedo Turkoglu (it couldn't hurt his to have an eye patch and I see him telling the story of these Finals someday to a small village in Turkey)
Ephialtes: This role is still open for casting. It could be Rafer if he decides to betray the Magic with some erratic play, it could be Jameer if his injury/recovery proves to disrupt the Magic rotation or it could be Otis Smith, the Magic GM, who gave away Trevor Ariza to the Lakers for nothing (assuming Ariza becomes a crucial part to stopping the 3pt barrage). It could also be Tiger Woods who has Magic season tickets but LOVES the Lakers.

Persia: The Los Angeles Lakers

Xerxes: Who else but Kobe Bryant (there is none other more vain and arrogant than he)

The rest of Persia is anyone else on the Lakers, in Laker Nation, jumping on the Kobe Top Ten Players of All Time Bandwagon, anyone that despises Orlando for any reason (that includes you, basketball purists). There are a lot more of them than Magic Fans.

So, Stan Van Gundy, seeing that its going to be a difficult series, climbs to the top of Mount Lee (behind the Hollywood Sign) to once again pay his dues to the 3pt gods and ask for 6 more games of effectiveness. The 3pt gods consist of Steve Kerr, Reggie Miller, Craig Hodges, Mario Elie, Glen Rice, Mark Price, Dale Ellis, Tim Legler and the Magic's own Dennis Scott. These guys sit around all day and watch highlights of themselves shooting 3pt shots and arguing who is better. So SVG offers up all he has, some gray sport coats and black mock turtle necks in exchange for 45%+ shooting. The council debates and says yes, but as SVG heads back down into the Hollywood hills, Phil Jackson steps out with the entire squad of Laker Girls, handing one off to each council member and laughs creepily as some lightning crashes behind him.

So to battle they go at the Staples. SVG confident in his game plan that has worked for 3 straight series (arguably the toughest road of anyone to the Finals) They give LA a tough game but fall in the end of Game 1. Xerxes barely breaks a sweat though because for some inexplicable reason Derek Fisher has returned to 2001 form, Ariza is lights out and as a team they make 10 of 12 3's.

Orlando takes the second game in another tight one, but it only angers Xerxes who vows to send his elites to Orlando to dispose of them. Orlando prevails against the first wave, winning game 3, but is so beaten down that the series goes back to LA with the Lakers leading 3-2. Again Xerxes is still sitting on his throne, accepting all the praise. At this point it is becoming obvious that the 3pt gods are not with Orlando as they are shooting 22%.

The only thing keeping them in is Dwight going for 40 and 20 a night while 6 Lakers hang all over him. Going back to LA he knows he has to lobby for aid. He makes his case to the league by showing highlights of his embarrassing stunts in the dunk contests, his efforts in the Olympics, and taking a pass by Shaq between his legs during the All Star game. The league debates and decided that if he will sell himself out to Nike, so they can finally have a replacement roommate for Puppet Kobe, that they will turn the tide.

Dwight and the Spartans are confident with two games let to play that it will be a Magic victory. And in game 6 it is. But Xerxes is still yet to exert himself. In game 7 he comes down from his throne and wipes everyone out; Lakers, Magic, fans, Jack, Los Angeleans, Mickey Mouse...everyone. He relishes the bloodshed and his happiness grows with each kill. And once the game is over and he has his 4th trophy he yells out "I told you I could do it on my own...I told you I didn't need andy help...Hey Shaq, How this taste?" But only then does he realize that he has destroyed everyone, that there is nobody left to worship him after his victory. Filled with sadness, Xerxes turns and faces west, and slowly walks out to into the ocean until he has disappeared.

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