Thursday, July 23, 2009

The Real Story of LeBron James This Summer

We have all seen The Skulls and wondered if they really do all the weird initiations that the movie portrays. The nation was obsessed with The DaVinci Code and its tales of secret societies. And lets not forget about NBA referees and all the "coincidences" around Playoff games. Bottom line is, we all believe in conspiracies and secret societies, we're just not sure to what extent they exist. The Black Converse has been granted this exclusive tell-all about the biggest conspiracy you never knew.

One the King Of Pop (and the King of Media) passed away, it was time for the Media Moguls (this is the name for the secret society that these rich people belong to) to pick an heir. They didn't want to build someone from scratch and have to turn him into an anime character like last time. Plus, it was becoming harder and harder to make the front page meaning the antics had to get more and more ridiculous So they needed a fresh start, but they also needed someone who was already on his way. It was the perfect storm.

So they invited LeBron James to their secret meeting in Idaho. He had just come off an MVP season. He was making every reporter stand at attention anytime he put on a Yankees hat or even opened his mouth. He was on his way to finishing up in a mid-major media market on his way to the biggest one in the world. It was almost too perfect.

Some were still skeptical. He was too young. He was a child phenom. Would he have the same problems as his predecessor? Would he try and take matters into his own hands? But this wasn't a one horse race. There was another down in Mississippi with all the right moves. They would need to put them to the test.

So it was on. A battle for media buzz. The King Of Akron versus the King Of The Unretirement.

One continued to set deadlines for an announcement while the other turned a piece of seaweed into Loch Ness Monster. While the debating went on for weeks as to who was more ready to be the Heir, there was no debate as to how easy it was for them to grab the headlines with something so meaningless.

As of our print deadline, the decision had not been made. The Media Moguls were still locked inside their all-inclusive resort with no smoke rising out of the chimney yet. I suspect they will make an announcement soon, but not before they've ridden both these horses to the death, and then beat them with a stick.

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