Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Big Baby: An Incomplete History of Self-Selected Nicknames

The Celtics quest for 72 is long since over, so let's shift our attention to random Celtic facts. For instance, Big Baby says he's done with that moniker and wants to move on to Uno Uno.

First of all, Uno Uno? Does Glen Davis have latino roots that I've missed? Uno Uno is deadeningly uncreative- it came from a sycophantic journalist, after all.

So let's look at some of the history of people trying to choose their own nicknames, an exercise in futility if ever there were one.

Kobe Bryant//The Black Mamba//only caught on in mockery...the amount of thought he had put into the "strikes with precision and deadliness" aspect is embarrassing.

Radio Shack//The Shack//Do the marketing genii behind this campaign really think they're gonna change public perception? Is Radio Shack beloved enough to anybody to ever get a nickname or even an abbreviation? "Oh yeah, man! I get all my AC adapters at The Shack!" No. Never gonna happen. It reminds me of a girl I knew in college who, while we were on a roadtrip and stopping for lunch, suggested going to "Carl's J." Carl's J? Really? You're gonna abbreviate the "unior" off of that? We started abbreviating every restaurant we saw after that: Taco B, J in the Box, Burger K, El P Loco. You get the idea.

The cast of Jersey Shore//(multiple)
//all I want to say is: please let that whole shore just wash into the ocean. Please. If it can happen in hundreds of disaster movies, it has to be somewhat plausible. Please.

Laura Schlesinger//Dr. Laura//not even a doctor, yet this one somehow stuck.

Michael Jackson//The King Of Pop//at least he had a case, once upon a long ago time.

George Costanza//T-Bone//we all know how that went. He eventually became the way-less-awesome Koko.

Prince//unpronounceable symbol//the Purple One gets a pass because it was mostly a ploy to free himself from a record company's grip (imagine if an athlete changed his name just to get out of his contract)...it became "The Artist Formerly Known As Prince" when, really, the dude should've just come up with a new word for how to pronounce the symbol...he eventually went back to Prince

Shaq//The Big Aristotle, The Shaqtus, more//the difference with Shaq is that he recognizes the impermanence of a self-selected nickname and embraces it. He doesn't expect (or want, for that matter) any of the names to stick. It's impressionistic and disposable and he loves it.

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