Monday, May 23, 2011

Wire Tapped Conversation

The following conversation was leaked by an as yet unnamed government operative who happened to be wiretapping either Chris Bosh (suspicion that he is actually an alien?) or Carlos Boozer (just trying to deport for the hell of it). It occurred someplace in South Beach last Saturday night.

BOSH: Hey, Booz.
BOOZ: Hey, Bosh.
BOSH: (awkward silence) Look, yo. I got to clear the air.
BOOZ: Sure. And why are you suddenly talking like you're some urban playground dude?
BOSH: Not sure.
BOOZ: Fine. Continue.
BOSH: OK. So I need to clear the air– when you referred to the Miami Heat as the Big 2, that kind of hurt my feelings. I mean, I make as much money as they do!
BOOZ: Ah, man, Bosh. I'm sorry. I didn't think you would take it THAT way...
BOSH: What do you mean.
BOOZ: I mean, I know and everybody knows that you make as much money as they do. You're undeniable that way.
BOSH: (blushing) Aw, thanks, Booz.
BOOZ: Yeah. What I meant was: they are the Big 2 of SKILLS, of SUPERSTARDOM, of PLAYING BASKETBALL. Not money, Bosh.
BOSH: (relieved) Oh good. I thought maybe you were trying to insinuate that I don't get paid like they do.
BOOZ: Never.
BOSH: Man, I'm glad we talked about this. Now look there's this other thing...
BOOZ: Yeah?
BOSH: I was thinking...
BOOZ: Go on, Boshie.
BOSH: What if, tomorrow, we just sorta let each other go off. Shut up the naysayers who are saying we're soft and overpaid and not producing. Just a gentlemen's agreement. You get your 20-10. I get mine.
BOOZ: Interesting.
BOSH: I just think it's mutually beneficial.
BOOZ: It is. It is. But I'm gonna need at least 15 boards just to shut up Noah.
BOSH: I'll give you 15 boards. You give me 3o points...I'm a scorer. Ight?
BOOZ: Ight.
BOSH: (pauses) What about who wins?
BOOZ: (waits, watches Bosh for a reaction) You know we don't care about the W's. Just the GW's. (laughs maniacally as if he has just dunked on a role player when the game is already out of hand)
BOSH: (laughs)
BOOZ: (laughs more)
BOSH: (tries to laugh more than Boozer, gets tired) Look, we get paid the same for an L or a W. And we both know neither of us is gonna win or lose a game for any team, much less these two.
BOOZ: So...we on? 20-15 for me? 30-10 for you?
BOSH: We on. (shakes hand)
BOTH: (letting go, wringing hands gingerly with overdramatic winces)
BOSH: You know I played more than you in the Olympics, though, right?
BOOZ: Huh?
BOSH: Nothing.

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