Daddy! I WANT A STATUE!

First of all, the headline is pretty funny.

"Kareem Abdul-Jabbar Unhappy"

The man is known for many things– his iconic and unstoppable skyhook, the goggles, championships at UCLA, MVP awards in the NBA, appearances in Airplane! and Full House– none of which are his absolute contentedness. It's a headline in the vein of "Sky Is Above Us" and "Music Has Notes." It doesn't exactly shatter our idea of Kareem or make us feel like we're learning something new. It's a little more like what my friend used to say about listening to female artists like Sarah Mclachlan and Natalie Merchant; he always felt like he'd hear their songs and think, "Awww...what's wrong now, Natalie?"

As a kid, I read Kareem's autobiography, the second one, entitled Kareem. I was a fan of Showtime. I can rattle off the names of the role players on those Laker teams. I remember Kareem's big farewell season, when teams were gifting him rocking chairs and stuff. And as the brother of somebody who died of cancer, I have deep sympathy for his battle with leukemia. So I come from a place of at least moderate measuredness.

I get that Kareem is one of the Lakers' and the NBA's and the history of basketball's greatest players. Dominant at every level, a crazy specimen in both his peaks and his longevity. He's way more than a Hall of Famer. He's in the argument for most dominant ever (the argument only, though, because it's still Jordan) I will not argue that.

And that's precisely why this statue tantrum is so crazy. Are all the other accolades not enough? Was being recognized as an All-Star NINETEEN times a little condescending? Were you not awarded your SIX MVP trophies with enough fawning adulation? Were the SIX championships and TWO Finals MVP trophies not given enough weight in the public eye? Is it feeling a little snubby to have only won THREE NCAA titles and who knows how many All-NBA and All Defensive team spots? Is the fact that the NCAA banned the dunk primarily because of your dominance not quite outstanding enough?

Kareem has been honored plenty for his playing, which he stopped doing 22 years ago. Now, I'm not going to argue that there shouldn't be a statue of Kareem outside the Staples Center. That's not the point. Magic has one. Chick Hearn has one. I think Kareem meant as much to basketball as those two greats did.

The point is: since when are we entitled to statues? Since when does anyone DESERVE a statue? Especially while we're still alive? David slew Goliath and got a statue in Florence, Italy hundreds of years later; not even the place where he downed the giant. Beethoven only got a lousy bust that goes on top of your grandma's piano; the least she could do is dust it.

Want a statue today? Commission it yourself, Kareem. You've gotten more recognition and opportunities and money in your post-playing career than most of us will ever see in a lifetime. You're a legend. Even your biggest critics have to admit that. Now stop acting like a jealous toddler, EXPECTING a statue and move on with your life.

Kareem has a history of shoulder chips, abrasiveness, and moaning about opportunities that haven't been his, mistreatment, and more. Some of the chips are probably justified. But not the statue tantrum.

Offseason Notes NOT Having To Do With The Douchecision

Some offseason notes:

– I am taking a little too much pleasure in watching the douchiness of T-Mac manifest itself this offseason. The Utah Bulls, er, Chicago Jazz, er, Chicago Bulls had a private workout with His WashedUpNess this week and, to hear Tracy talk about it, the Bulls front office was licking its chops about stumbling onto such an under-the-radar catch. These quotes encapsulate the magic dust he's sprinkling around. “Without me, without Boozer, they’re a .500 ball club,” McGrady said. Wow. Any quote that makes me defensive of Carlos Boozer deserves bold italics and a few extra vacation days. I can't wait til the Clippers sign him.

– In a related note, this is a fun offseason for Former Insanely Talented Alphas like AI and Shaq. The fact that some team is going to have to talk themselves into one of the game's top 2 or 3 most dominant centers ever (not anymore but still. Kareem got contracts when he could barely John McCain his goggles.) is a little sad to me. The bright side is: Pros vs Joes is always looked for some extra legitimacy and the combined MVPs, points, and NBA Finals appearances are legit.

– Also, The Utah Bulls. What the Bulls front office, in picking up Boozer & Korver & Brewer (who I miss the most, in spite of his complete inability to hit a jumper), is saying is: we believe Rose > Deron Williams. They are assembling, essentially, the same cast around Rose as Williams had. Now, Chicago fans, let's not carried away about Joakim Noah. Yes, I would take him on my team. No, he is not an elite big man. He and Memo Okur (who has one more all-star appearance than Noah) essentially cancel each other out, though I'm willing to admit that Noah's hustle is a plus. Luol Deng? A wild card of the same type as, oh, Andrei Kirilenko. Everybody KNOWS he's good. But what are you getting from him game to game, month to month? I think it's very interesting that the Bulls believe in the '08 Jazz that much. I did too, though, so I can't really hold it against them.

– The Laker Upgrade. Miami gets the most ink. But the defending champs upgraded, in my opinion, to an insane degree. A tough, mix-it-up guy who can knock down equal amounts of superstars & shots in Matt Barnes. A PG upgrade (though the WNBA has a handful of PGs who would be an improvement over Farmar) in Steve Blake. And some more size (as if they were lacking) in Theo Ratliff, who- for the sake of this bullet point- I talked myself into. Still the team to beat.

– Chris Paul. Wah. You're an amazing talent stuck on a team in transition. Your friends are all teaming up to try to gang their way to rings. You also signed a contract. I'm sure there's a gun to your head everytime you cash those million-dollar checks. Sack up. Whiny multimillionaire athletes kill me.

– The Jazz, to avoid D-Will pulling a Kobe/Chris Paul, have made some moves– Jefferson, Bell, Hayward. They aren't Miami-level or Steal Gasol For Nothing level, but they are decent. As a Jazz fan, I'm happy to see something happen that includes Boozer taking his talents/attitude/entitlement elsewhere and guys who want to kill themselves for D-Will onto the court. Hearing D-Will tell Jefferson he's gonna make him an All-Star made me really happy.

– Portland can suck it. Just because their "top tier, first round" talent can't stay healthy or perform up to par doesn't mean they should come pillage the hard-working, smartly drafted talent that the Jazz pick up (see also: Paul Milsap). Wes Matthews is a total stud and I worshipped his hard work in his rookie season. But it makes me sad that he's gonna get a ton of money to fight for bench minutes on a team whose best hopes are an injury prone elderly man still trying to have a rookie season and landing unhappy Chris Paul. This quote from Kevin O'Connor was money: "(Fesenko's) next on the agenda. (We'll) go from there, see what happens, see if Portland has any more money left."

Likert Scale

The Austin City Limits with the Swell Season was on again this last weekend. During their set, they invited out celebrated Austinite Daniel Johnston to sing "Life In Vain" with them. I was taken back to when I saw Daniel Johnston perform for the first time, but this time I understood something new about him. One of the great things about his live performances is that there is an overwhelming sense of positive energy in the room. What this energy stems from is the collective support for him, the desire of everyone in the room for him to succeed. That is something we rarely experience. Even in the best concerts there seems to be a group of people who are upset, wishing they were else where, fault-finding, or looking to score. All of these produce some sort of negative vibe. The absence of that vibe is what made the Daniel Johnston show so unique and you could even feel that vibe on TV.

I wanted to try and work this into some post-NBA Finals angle where I talked about how unlikeable Kobe, Pau, Fisher and the rest of the Lakers are...but you already know that. Then I thought about mentioning the Jazz and how there are at least 3 stiff white guys that they like in the draft this year. Too easy. Maybe something about liking the Heat's chances to get Dwyane Wade a real teammate? I don't want to jinx it. Suffice it to say, there are a lot of things worth liking out there, but the Swell Season performance with Daniel Johnston has to be right at the top of that list.

The Best Versus The Favorite

Walk around Los Angeles over the weekend and you would find an inordinate amount of Kobe Bryant jerseys. Its obvious many of the people are wearing them in support of the Lakers playing in the Finals but what isn't so obvious is why they chose to wear Bryant's jersey over many other more likable Laker's jerseys. Magic, Worthy, Divac, West, Baylor, Van Exel, AC Green, Karl Malone, Mark Madsen, Irwin M Fletcher or even Kurt Rambis. I'd even settle for someone slicking their hair back with Riley Grease of donning some of Jack's amber tinted sunglasses. So why does the majority chose a Kobe jersey over anyone else? Its because he is the best. The debate about whether or not he is the best player in the league is still open, but he is clearly the best player on the Lakers even though he is the least likable. Pau-bacca gives him a run for his money at times, but those are few and far between.

Come with me for a moment as we shift away from the hardwood and put on the headphones. The reason I'd like to explore the topic of best vs favorite isn't another ridiculous Kobe Bryant debate. It has to do with music. Specifically Josh Ritter.

The best song on the newest Josh Ritter album, So Runs The World Away, is undoubtedly The Curse. The lyrics show an acute attention to detail and are constantly folding back on themselves making the song deep and rich. The waltz piano places the story in a time where people who fell in love had a penchant for dancing. The story is unique, unforgettable and timeless. Everything about the song elevates it above the other songs on the album. Yet its not my favorite song, and maybe not even top 3 on that album. (Lantern, Change of Time and Folk Bloodbath are its fiercest competition) So why don't I like the best song on the album? Its nothing personal nor is it a personality trait where I have the undying need to always dislike the best. The Curse just doesn't connect with me like the other aforementioned songs. I can clearly see why it is the best song, but that isn't enough for me. Just like knowing who the best player is doesn't make me join his leagues of fans.

I'm not comparing The Curse to Kobe Bryant. I would never do that to anyone or anything since Kobe has no equal when it comes to loathsomeness. But its an easy, relatable example and I had to tie this back into the NBA Finals somehow. We are a music/sports blog after all and have failed to mention even once that the Lakers and Celtics are playing for all the marbles.

The thing about wearing the best player's jersey or even rooting for the best player, is that often it is the easiest. Its the easiest jersey to find, you know more about that player than any other, you are force fed their highlight reels. This is not always the case with the best songs, unless you stick to top 40 radio. This is also not the case with The Curse. Nobody is making it any easier or harder to like it. It comes down to my own personal choice and preference. It comes down to me choosing my favorites instead of making the best a part of them, and not confusing them.

Clearly this is an issue throughout sports and music. Just look at all the people on the Rajon Rondo bandwagon now. Not that he hasn't had some great moments in the playoffs but are we really forgetting about Deron Williams, Chris Paul, Derrick Rose, Russell Westbrook, Tony Parker, Steve Nash and Derek Fisher that quickly? (one of those is a joke...I'll let you decide) There is no way any of those guys no show in game 1 the way Rondo did. I do think Rondo was one of the funnest games in the NBA and i prefer watching him over a lot of those other guards, but in no way do I think he is the absolute best.

I'm going to start using the word favorite a little bit more and the word best a lot less, and I hope you do too.

Dragon Slaying

The Lakers, Spurs, Blazers, Nuggets, Jazz, Suns and Mavs have all been staples of the Western Conference playoffs the last decade or so. This lack of diversity in the Playoff gene pool has led to some great playoff games, great meltdowns and a great set up for this year. The late 90's proved to be the same kind of scenario in the Eastern Conference with the Knicks, Bulls, Pacers, and Heat. Coming from those series were a number of great Jordan moments, Reggie's theatrics and heroics versus the Knicks, and the Playoffs best announcer, Jeff Van Gundy, clinging to Alonzo Mourning's leg. It seemed that every year a Heat/Knicks matchup was inevitable, because it was. From 1997-2000, they met every year in the Playoffs and played the maximum number of games each series, with the clinching game of the series being decided in the closing moments of the game. Miami only beat the Knicks in one of those four series, the first one in 1997. After that, the Knicks became Miami's dragon; the naturally sworn enemy and inevitable matchup for the Heat, a matchup they could never overcome.

The Heat went through another stretch, although much shorter and less dramatic, when a matchup with the Detroit Pistons seemed destined every year. This may have had more to do with the Pistons versus Shaquille O'Neal (dating back to their upset of the Shaq/Malone/Kobe Lakers), but it was the Heat's dragon to slay if they wanted to win a championship. This year, the west is full of such destined matchups. Mavs/Spurs. Jazz/Nuggets. Suns/Spurs. Jazz/Lakers (potential). Suns/Lakers (potential). Lakers/Spurs (potential). Jazz/Spurs (potential). Its almost a paper/rock/scissors set up. Spurs own the Suns, Lakers own the Jazz, Spurs own the Lakers, Lakers own the Suns, and for the sake of the analogy lets just say the Jazz own the Suns. Each team seems to have a date with destiny, a passage though fire, or any other cliched hero/dating reference. Somebody is going to have to slay their team's figurative dragon.

Who wins in all this melee? We do. The way the first round has gone, we can almost assume that round two will be turned up to 11. I'm still hoping that Kevin Durant walks on water for the next two games of the Lakers/Thunder series, but if not it doesn't mean that the best basketball is behind us. Rather, its yet to come.

Win Watch (the morning after)

Well, that was quick:

one back spasm, a Pau-less night, and a date with the Spurs later and the Lake Show are 29-9.

Bill Simmons (whose Book of Basketball I am devouring right now, much to the neglected chagrin of my wife) put the Bulls 72-win season as one of the unbreakable records and- with two very stacked, very motivated teams going for it and failing this season- I think he might be right.

Maybe we should call this Loss Watch instead. Because, for the Lakers, we just have to watch for a couple more.

Win Watch

With players' preseason predictions (in some cases- Mr. Wallace- overt and other cases- Mr. Artest and your backwards Number of Wins- less so) in mind, let's look at how that hubris is shaking out for L.A. and Boston.

Boston already has 10 losses (as does Cleveland), which is nothing to be ashamed of by any means. Unless, of course, you had the 72-Win Bulls in your sights. In which case, all you have to do is win the remainder of your games.

If that doesn't pan out, Boston, you can still shoot for the second best regular season record of all time (1971-72 Lakers' 69-win season).

At 19-8, the Kobes have a better shot. They can afford TWO losses between now and the end of the regular season (or three losses to tie it up with their 71-72 counterparts). Which should be a zen-like cakewalk given the lack of injuries, trade rumors that are bound to destroy Bynum's toughness, and the inevitable Kardashian disruptions.

Chicago, in their enchanted season, had 60 wins by the time that 8th loss crept around (with 14 games to play). I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that neither Wallace nor Artest is gonna see their predictions come true.

I know: ballsy call on my part.

Kim to Khloe: I thought we were going ring shopping

Number of Times a Laker Was a Distraction to a Kardashian : 1

It was overheard, even during the overwhelming applause as Adam Morrison collected his first of many championship rings, Kim complaining to her little sis about having to sit through a basketball game. She thought Khloe had promised to go ring shopping with her when she was invited to see her new brother-in-law "get his ring" on Tuesday night. Or maybe it was Lamar who didn't explain it right to his new bride. Either way it was a total drag for a certain Kardashian to be wasting her night stuck inside Staples Center when all along she could have been browsing the Jewelry District.

We agree...what a drag.

Megafaun Box Score

I decided to take a blind stab at what's become Charlie T's trademark here: the album box score review. It took me forever and I still have a lot of kinks to iron out as much in the layout as the approach, but it was very nearly enjoyable and I gained a new respect for Charlie T.

I picked Megafaun's Gather, Form, & Fly because I thought it'd be easy to bust out the box score for an album that I love. I was kind of right.

First of all, let me break Charlie T. Protocol and say, right up front, that I love this album because it is just that: AN ALBUM. In a world of disposable downloads, singles, mp3 giveaways, and all that, Megafaun makes a gorgeous, family of songs, coherent case for the album. It all sits together, segues, congeals so that listening to it becomes an experience. Sure, you can experience Megafaun on a song-by-song basis, but part of the strength of this record is listening to it as a whole. Soundscapes, noise interludes, found sounds and more populate the cracks of this beautiful collection of indie folk (if they must be filed) songs.

Second, I have to admit to having a certain inadequacy in this format. Some songs I love suffered because of the categories I chose. "Sleep in the bed that you made" is quite applicable. Some songs that aren't my favorite were bolstered favorably. "Darkest Hour" for instance isn't my favorite, but it heavies up on some of my criteria, so it came out beaming. But, worry not, I will calibrate this system and eventually have it running like a finely tuned 8-track.

Third, in honor of Megafaun's love of the Lakers, I've used purple & gold as well as highlighting some franchise favorite #s. I went so far as messing with "Bella Marie"'s score to get to James Worthy. I won't say if I raised or lowered, but it took some doing. I originally had some of the "highlight categories" symbolically scoring at a peak of 31 (a nod to Kurt Rambis, who, like Megafaun, was a bespectacled rambler in his heyday), but 31 was bumping the overall score into the thousands. Again, calibration will occur. So I lowered it to 21 (Michael Cooper, underrated defensive stopper and 3-point specialist in the 80s heyday). Good enough.

Fourth, the review:


A brief-ish explanation of my categories:

GOLD IN THE LYRICAL HILLS: The neo-backwoods sound of this album lends itself to some lyrical simplicity and straightforwardness. Like a great Gillian Welch song, you can mine these lyrical hills for some beautiful, simple truths and great lyrical moments.

PURE BEAUTY: the x-factor.

FOUND SOUNDS: Part avante garde art project, part Smithsonian Folkways field recording.

singalong/SHOUTALONG: Sing (or shout) alongability. Can you see/hear yourself singing/shouting along at a show? Can you resist? There are lots of moments where I wanna just jump in, even if I don't know the words just yet.

HARMONY (FRATERNAL, ETC.): Megafaun features two brothers, rawer than the Everlys or Louvins. The mix is undeniable, especially when you add a third non-blood part to bond it all.

PATIENCE: For all the shouting and singing and revival-style music, there are moments of pure patience. Of letting the cocoon simply do its thing, of stop motion photography, of just sitting til the light is just right.

FOLKSINESS: Looking for elements of traditional folkie songwriting and the prominent featuring of traditional folk instruments like banjo, field organ, etc.

cacoFAUNy: For all the reverence towards traditionalism, Megafaun also has a foot in the world of noise- beautiful, deliberate, unapologetic cacophony. Noise soundscapes create tension bridges at several key points in the journey of this album.

BRIAN WILSON/SUFJAN STEVENS ARRANGING: As much for the beachy (albeit on a different coast than Mr. Wilson) harmonies as for the inventive arrangements. Look for big thematic jumps, unorthodox percussion, and more.

BON IVER-ATION: You probably know, because no one (myself now included) will let you forget, that Megafaun made up the band Justin Vernon left to do Bon Iver. Can you spot the overlap? Gratefully, these boys don't have to worry about the shadow because their own thing stands on its own. (This coming from a massive Bon Iver fan.) I can't tell you how happy it made me that J. Vernon didn't do some big, shrinkwrap-sticker-featuring guest stint.

I love this record. It'll be top 10, maybe top 5, at the end of the year. GUARANTEED. "Gather, Form, & Fly" and "Longest Day" are two of my favorite songs of the year.

TOTAL SCORE: 979

Finals, pt. Over

No one's gonna start MVP chants for me; that much is assured. Which oughta keep some of the pressure off me as I try to step up and give my team the W, unlike- say- Dwight Howard at the charity stripe in crunchtime and the brilliant citizens of Orlando.

No one's gonna call me Mr. Clutch either, though. I'm not nailing gamewinners here. I still think the Rambis parallel from the last post is probably the best, most accurate description. I'm just trying to make some hustle plays while the stars catch their breath.

Enough about me. The Finals are over. And two things are written in stone:

1. Kobe has four rings, one without Shaq.

2. Phil Jackson has more championships than the legendary Red Auerbach.

I'm not stating anything groundbreaking, that hasn't been spit out, regurgitated, analyzed, thesaurused, re-analyzed, counter-analyzed, plagiarized, cleverly reworded, and re-regurgitated a billion times by the story-starved media (the best and maybe most honest article of which- at least that I read- is here). They're just the stark, unavoidable facts.

This is the part where- to give context- I have to confess to my anti-Lakerhood. Even though, I grew up a fan (after the Jazz) of Magic, Worthy, Byron Scott, Kareem, Cooper, Rambis, Mychal Thompson, etc. But, if I could do it over again, you know who I'd like? The Celtics. They had less flash, more soul, more Bird. But how do you tell that to a 4th grader in Utah who wants to see no look passes and is too hoop-immature to grasp exactly what makes Bird ridiculously once-in-a-lifetime? Thank goodness for ESPN Classic where, even if I can't change the outcome, I can revise MY history.

Is it jealousy? Maybe. But I think it's just that the post-Magic Laker teams have not been all that likable. Kobe. Van Exel. Vlade. Vujacitch. Rick Fox. Elden Campbell. The only one close to winning Miss Congeniality in that list is Sasha. And the only thing that makes him more likely than the other guys is the fact that he's a bitch.

Still, to complicate matters, I inexplicably rooted for the Lake Show when Gary Payton and Karl Malone joined. Shaq, despite the fact that I was rooting for him, would've called me a frontrunner. But I wanted The Mailman to get the monkey (and media) off his back. And he came within a fluke knee injury (I mean. Come on. That guy was a picture of pure health for his whole career, played through injuries all the time...what are the chances?) of getting one.

Speaking of monkeys, let's get back to the present. Kobe got the Can't Win Without Shaq monkey off his back. Plain and simple. I wished he wouldn't. But he did. I rooted against him in every situation except those outlined by Charlie T. But he's officially in the One Of The Bests (note the plural, please, no singular) conversation, no matter how many times I pinch myself.

Same with The Zenmeister. Folks can point to the luck of the draw, the talent closet he was choosing from, but the guy wins. The difference here is that Phil has entered the The Best conversation. I wanted that conversation to always end up at Red, I'll admit that. But there is nothing but room for debate. And Phil isn't done. Can the Lakers do it again? Does it matter? Will Phil somehow end up coaching LeBron? I wouldn't say it's impossible.

Because if we've learned anything from the last couple years it's

ANYTHING IS POSSIBBBBUUUULLLLLL!

The Finals, pt 1

You can only assess things after two games in a long series. I've said it before and this is me saying it again.

That said, I was a little concerned after Game 1 with the commentary from the Dream Crew. So I decided to do a running diary of sorts, following the game and the commentary of Breen, Van Gundy and Jackson. I wanted to be sure that the best were bringing their A game to the Finals just as they expect both teams to do.

(Just one quick thing before the Calls of the Game. I don't need to see anymore graphics about Kobe in Game 1. We get it. Kobe scored 40 points. They guy took 34 shots. 34. And about half of those came with his team already up 15 points. The Greatest Front Runner)

Here are the calls.

"A brick from Vujacic in the corner." (Breen)

Things are starting off good in so many ways.

"The Magic need a solid game from Lewis or Turkoglu, not a great one just a good one." (Breen)

Is this telling you how terrible the Magic played in Game 1 or does it say how shallow the Laker team is?

"Orlando needs a guy who can get his own shot." (JVG)

They also need a guy who can take a charge.

"Dwight Howard is a rarity. He does not curse, he does not swear." (Breen)

I think this was meant as a compliment, but I think it is telling of Howard's aggressiveness.

"They [Magic] should have gone inside and shot a layup." (JVG)

Which game does this relate to?

Kobe makes two shots in two possessions and then this follows.

"Here he goes." (Breen)
"Courtney Lee is thinking 'Oh no not again'" (Jackson)

Then Kobe goes on to score 10 very overstated points in the third while Hedo score 14 extremely understated points. They are approaching the Doug Collins Zone of Superstar Favoritism.

"These are the worst fast breaks I have ever seen." (JVG)

Now there's the JVG we love. Calling it like he sees it.

The moment we've all been waiting for....The Phil Interview.

Coach you talked abou tgetting a flow in that last timeout. How do you do that?

You move the ball.

"JJ Reddick ties the game with 2:19 to play!" (Breen)

I think he was more surprised than excited.

"How many guys say 'Dwight Howard, bail me out?'" (Jackson)

The entire Magic team. On the defensive end.

"Hedo plays defense on Bryant one on one and says 'Hedon't'" (Jackson)

The gem of the night.

OVERTIME. I'm just going to watch this now. But I'd say the Dream Crew is doing an above average job. They've got the Finals jitters out....and it seems Orlando does too.

One last note, I love that Stan Van Gundy was holding a cup of Gatorade in his hand as he watched that final play happen.

Musings des Playoffés, Conference Finalés

Boston ran out of gas somewhere in the second half of Game 6 and now we have my 4 least favorite playoff teams still in it; LA, Denver, Orlando and Cleveland. Now the great mental debate is to figure out which of those teams is the lesser of the evils. I can't go with LA and even less after the Spike Lee mockumentary. Denver was winning my heart over a little with some Billups, being paired up against the Lakers, and Carmelo losing his cornrows and baby fat, but they are still the Nuggets. Orlando has the worst jerseys still in play. And Cleveland has all the hype and the overflowing bandwagon. I don't really know how to keep interest in these playoffs now. And to top it off, there are now TWO Kobe/LeBron commercials after the Nike Muppets showed up. We all know what that means. The Conference Finals are a formality.

All these things stacked against me left me looking for something to grab on to. Then it hit me, if a McCafé can make work that much better, then maybe it will make these playoffs better. So lets look at last nights game through McCafé-eyes and see if it helps.

Before the game we had the Draft Lotteré. Highlights there included the Larry Bird Face (as seen here), Stern giving the stiff arm during the pre-lottery interview, a Chris Webber we-just-got-screwed-but-I-shouldn't-have-expected-different laugh and the best was the hand shakes between the the final three.

First of all we no longer have Kobe or Nene, but Kobé and Nené. The latter was solid for three quarters and turned into a lost fourth grader in the last quarter. The former had the opposite type of game thanks to the officiating manage-a-trois.

We had a little Chauncé making some big shots. But it was only a little. Perhaps one of the most perplexing story lines of the playoffs is how the terrible Lakers PGs don't get killed every night. Sure they let Williams have some good games, but he wasn't as dominant as he should have been. Lil' Chris Rock could only torch them every other game. And shouldn't Chauncé have had 30-15?

Next we had Uglé. Formerly known as Ugly and before that he was known as Pau Gasol. He somehow had more offensive rebounds than the big, crazy Brazilian Nené. As long as the smaller Uglé is pushing around the beast of Nené, we are in for a lot more post-tip-in primal screams.

Carmelo Anthoné. Gosh he played good last night. But even with that and some McCafé I still can't do the Anthoné.

Can anyone explain to me how, when Odomé and Birdmané were spooning on the floor and Odomé was the big spoon, it could have been considered a jump ball? That was the beginning of the hosé job and a sign of things to come.

Playoff Musings, Round 2, pt. 2

Cleveland Cavaliers

LeBron's only misstep was his painfully executed banter with Jay Harris after accepting the MVP award.

Cleveland is printing the "Fo, Fo, Fo, Fo" shirts right now....assuming they already got permission from Moses.

Denver Nuggets

Chauncy joins the list of guys "I didn't like but this year's playoffs is turning me into a fan." This sure didn't hurt things either.

The rest of the list includes
1. Yao Ming (looks good in a suit too)
2. Ron Artest
3. Billups
4. LeBron (the way they have handled killing everyone is much more mature than I predicted)
5. Battier (a hand in Kobe's face on every shot...no matter what. Show me 5 guys who can and will do that)

Houston Rockets

Remember the 2000 Western Conference finals? LA was up 3-1 going back to Staples but Arvydas and Co. won the next two games only to get screwed in game 7. You might not remember that because the screw-job on the Kings two years later was even worse. They took it in both games 6 and 7. Volumes have been written on the thoroughness of that particular hose job. Fast forward to 2009. Yao breaks his foot in a game 3 loss, Artest looses his cool and the home court we all thought Houston could protect was gone. So the Rockets roll over and LA books their flights to Denver. Not so. Chris Rock/Andre 3000/Aaron Brooks shows up in a red bowtie and saves the day. Great. Now LA wins at home in game 5, Houston in game 6, setting up a screw job of all screw jobs in game 7. Now that is a lot of screw jobs in one paragraph. Dang straight it is. There is no way Houston or Denver is making it to the Finals this year. Want proof? Here it is.

At least we got some memorable and intriguing series before the script became to obvious to overlook.

Playoff Musings...Round 2

Only two series have made it to the critical 2nd game, hence we only have two series to muse about today. Some loose ends also need tied up from the first round. Relevant matters first.

The Houston Rockets

Like any team who is playing against the Lakers, they are quickly become my new playoff darling. Their MVP has to be TEEmak's doctor who suggested he needed microfracture (or the guy he hired to pretend to be a doctor) or it has to be the guy the Rockets hired to keep him away from the team. I can only imagine the tactics he might be using. Ex-Lax in his milkshake, intentionally locking TMAQ's keys in his car, setting all his clocks a couple hours ahead, looping black and white footage of his 13 points in 35 seconds while that piano music plays (you know the "Where Amazing Happens" one) I can't wait for the Outside The Lines on this guy.

With the series shifting back to Houston, and real fans coming into play in the series (there was a Lakers fan wearing a purple and yellow Yankees hat at the game...I love that type of fan), I am going to list my 5 most wanted cheers rocking the Toyota Center.

5. "EAT THE HEAD, EAT THE HEAD" This happens anytime Yao checks in or out of the game. (For those who don't get it, here)

4. "RELEASE TRACY clap....clap...clap clap clap, RELEASE TRACY clap....clap...clap clap clap"

3. "SECOND ROUND" (with the same clapping)

2. "BREAK HIS NECK" (again the clapping) This is done anytime Artest's man gets the ball.

1. I can't actually write this one here (for our younger readers) but it has to do with Vujacic and female anatomy.

LA Lakers

Which was more poorly executed from a script, Odom walking to the game tonight to "get back to his roots when he was a kid waling around New York looking for a pick up game" or Kobe's wife meeting him in the tunnel after the game with a kiss?

Question for Lamar: Was Craig Sager and the camera crew an important part of making the whole flashback thing more authentic?

Note for Kobe: You only get to shake your head and say "You can't guard me" to Battier AFTER you have made 3 or more shots in a row. Its a rule that dates back to NBA JAM.

Orlando Magic

Barkley said it best, "Orlando was happy with getting a split." And thats exactly how championship contender think...right?

We have added a new degree of slapping. It is somewhere between the bitch-slap and the how-dare-you slap...its the Rafer.
Used in a sentence, "I made Joey look like a total loser last night while he was tried to get that waitress' number at Chili's. So on the way to the car I got Rafered."

Boston Celtics

Big Baby is your starting power forward, Jackie Moon is playing significant minutes and your team MVP, Pierce, played all of 16 minutes, 6 of which were during garbage time, and you still won by almost 20. Who else is happy to not be seeing the Bulls for 7 more games?

Dare I say Perk > Dwight? If we are talking bang for your buck, yes. If we are talking over-hyped, poorly staged dunk contests...push.

Playoff Musings part vi

THINGS I DIDN'T KNOW BEFORE THE PLAYOFFS
Yes, you probably already knew all this. But it's news to me.

RAJON RONDO IS FOR REALSIES.
Fa'real. In my defense, reading Bill Simmons' columns (and I do, with a religious fervor somewhere between Footloose John Lithgow and Holiday Catholic) is like listening to Al Franken talk about the democratic party. Or, better, Greg Kot talk about Wilco. Not exactly fair and balanced. So, when I read Simmons' usual raves about his beloved C's and the potential greatness of Rondo, I was a little skeptical. But I repent because, to quote Dire Straits, "Oh yeah, the boy can play." The PG position is in good hands for the next 10 years: Rondo, D-Will, CP3, Derrick Rose, Jordan Farmar...

THE LAKERS ARE FLAWED.
Fa'lawed. The best team in the league squandered leads to the 8th-seeded, limping, in-fighting Utah Jazz. In every game. The flaws I saw: 1) The killer instinct- seen in teams like the Every Other Year Spurs, Larry's Celtics, Jordan's Bulls- is not there. 2) Bynum is not the new Kareem. He is streaky and prone to disappearing acts. 3) Their defense is spotty. It can be very good, but they just wanted to outscore the Jazz (which they did). And 4) Kobe is a mammoth douche. An unstoppable mammoth douche (seriously, Ronnie Brewer and Andrei Kirilenko played admirably but Kobe's arsenal of Shots To Counter Tight Defense is the real deal), but a mammoth douche nonetheless. Laker apologists claim that the team's just "getting its playoff legs." Whatever helps you sleep. Go Cavs.

I DON'T WANT BEN GORDON ON MY TEAM
The way he talked about his game-changing shots was so narcissistic and clearly "Hey, media, this ain't only the Derrick Rose show" as to be completely off-putting. Contrast it to Derrick Rose's humble, unassuming appoach and it puts off all the more. Then after the big 2OT win, rather than say, "WE came together" he said (paraphrase alert), 'I told the guys, we're through playing. Let's go get this. And they responded to me.'" What a desperate grab for the public perception of Who Leads The Bulls. Also, he grabbed his crotch, just like classic MJ would've. Oh wait.

TEAMS WILL BLOW UP OR FANS WON'T SHOW UP.
The Pistons and the Jazz, in particular, have to shake things up or- in this economic climate- ticket sales will dive like a barely-pre-stitches Greg Louganis. This is not the economic climate to test your diehards. If you look, in particular, at Game 5 of Jazz/Lakers, it became painfully apparent who wasn't wondering if their travel agent could bump their flight up a couple days.

CHAUNCEY IS THE CURE FOR CANCER
Tell the teams upon teams of medical researchers to stop their studies. The Denver Thuggets, just a year after disappointing all of Colorado, most of Wyoming, and at least half of George Karl, are playing killer basketball. They DESTROYED a team led by "the best PG in the game" by more than FIFTY POINTS. How does a playoff team get pulp-beaten by another playoff team to that demoralizing degree? Like his old buddy KG before him, Chauncey Billups changed the atmosphere in the mile high locker room. He is the anti-cancer.

Injury Report 4.3

Injury Reports have become one of Charlie T's signature posts. But I've been blog-negligent lately and the only strand pulling me out is an injury report. So here we go:

JAZZ EDITION
Carlos Boozer (ever winning back Jazz fans) is unlikely.

Paul Milsap (inspiring Jazz fans to pray, fast, and/or kill for him to stay) is a mortal lock.

Jerry Sloan (suiting up to show an underachieving team what it means to care) is probable.

REST OF THE LEAGUE
L.A. Lakers (hoping the Bobcats don't make the playoffs) are unspoken.

Tyler Hansbrough (giving teams visions of Mark Madsen and the Ghost of Eric Montross) is probable.

Philadelphia 76ers (missing Elton Brand) are doubtful.

Allen Iverson (actually out with a back injury) is complete and utter malarkey.

Joe Dumars (having patience for complete and utter malarkey) is out for the season.

Rasheed Wallace (not being the Pistons' residential talented headache) is surprised.

Dream Team-Up, Pt. 15

Team Name: Black Mambas
Team Members: Kobe Bryant and Amare Stoudemire

Black Mambas works for Kobe because he gave himself the nickname. It's only fitting he would name the team too. (Take note, Mitch Kupchak.)
Black Mambas works for Amare because nobody seems to want him around just like you wouldn't want the snake around either. It also works for Amare because- when faced with a Black Mamba- you are defense-less.

Plus Bryant gets stiffed by Shaq, LeBron, Gasol and now Bynum is hurt and who else really wants to play with Kobe? Bruce Bowen? Derek Fisher? Kobe's smart enough to choose a big guy no matter how defensively porous he is. Because somebody gots to get the boards if I ever miss...(calculated laughter that lasts a little too long.)

This is maybe the second most daunting pairing we came up with. Which means the best one is coming...

Congratulations Mr. Bryant

You scored 61 points against the Knicks.

That is like me dunking the ball on a 7 foot hoop.
Or a lion picking off the sick one in a herd of zebras.

Or you scoring 81 on the Raptors.
Or me beating you in a video game and then telling you that you suck at basketball.
Or Lloyd Christmas selling the parakeet to Billy in 4C.


When Jordan dropped 55 he didn't have Wilson "Who" Chandler guarding him all game.
When Jordan dropped 55 the Knicks were tough, physical and defensive minded.
When Jordan dropped 55 he had just come back from playing baseball for two years, on his fifth game back.

Scoring 61 on these Knicks is like scoring 61 against the Reno Bighorns...because thats where most of this current team will be playing out the rest of there careers.

So congratulations Mr. Bryant. You beat a deaf kid in a name that tune contest.
Score 61 on the Celtics Thursday and then we'll talk.

BYNUM: BEST LAKERS CENTER EVER?

For a media base that's just been foaming at the mouth to coronate Andrew Bynum, last night's 42 points will at long last give them what they need. Let's hope they can show some restraint.

Kareem who? You mean the guy who used to be called Chris Jackson and had Tourette's?

Wilt? The guy in Conan the Barbarian? Come on. Could that guy even score?

I hate to tell you, Laker faithful, but Bynum is still sitting on the Vlade Mezzanine.

Sun F. Yue: Doer Of The Impossible

A little while back, ESPN changed their box scores. They added a pointless stat; the +/-. Okay, well maybe its not toally pointless but it was a point of devistation for me. I thought that the infamous Club Trillion would become obsolete. The premise is to not log a single stat in the box score during your time on the court. No FG attempts, fouls, turnovers, accidental rebounds. Now you had to make sure the score pretty much never changed during your garbage time.

How fitting that the Chinese, and their ability to do coordinate the seemingly impossible, managed to get a player in the NBA and beat the +/- and land a 3 trillion. And he did it right under the nose of Kung Pow Yao.



Congrats Sun Yue.