Possible Landing Places For Agent Zero

(how ironic is that nickname now, with all the gun toting?)

Now that Gilbert Arenas' basketball future is in question (at very least with the Wiz, er, Bullets), it's never too soon to think ahead. So where could Arenas land? Besides the clink, of course...

...a cameo on the current season of 24 as, what else, a professional basketball player who brings an unauthorized weapon on a White House visit. Is he a loose cannon with a vendetta against the president? Or just a moron? Stay tuned next week (sound of time ticking down).

...the Harlem Globetrotters could use a little edge and a man with Arenas' personality and skills is a rare find.

...NRA conventions have to pay handsomely, don't they?

...YouTube. A self-parody has helped many troubled stars (Pee Wee Herman, for instance, killed when he opened an MTV awards show- right after his "incident"- with the self-deprecating line, "Heard any good jokes lately?") Gilbert needs to hire some of the FunnyOrDie.com folks to help him skewer himself in style.

...The Ernie/Kenny/Chuck show. Imagine somebody crazier than Barkley.

...a Jackie Chan movie. Now that the Chris Tuckers and Owen Wilsons of the world have turned and run, old man Chan needs a new, cross-cultural foil. Who better than a trigger-happy jock?

Any other ideas?

What Do Pope John Paul II, Whoopi Goldberg and Bob Hope Have In Common?

They were all talked into being a part of Globtrotter's lore. Just like I am trying to talk myself into the Heat's recent acquisition of Globetrotter alum Jamario Moon.

Last night's game-winning dunk by Marion makes this a little bittersweet. But the 6 blocks Jermaine had the other night are something to build on. Still, ugh...I feel like I'm trying to talk myself into either of the last two and a half Coldplay albums. I'm just glad the Heat haven't decided to suit up in Revolutionary War outfits. Is it just me or is Coldplay also wearing Han Solo's pants?

I know Riley likes a legitimate big man playing center. I do too. But Jermaine O'Neal? Why don't we hold out to get one with two working legs?

Going To The Desert On A H-O-R-S-E With No Name

Herr Stern, in his occasional pursuit of newness, has introduced a H-O-R-S-E competition for All-Star Weekend in Phoenix. Whether or not this is a ploy to get Steve Nash involved is debatable.

What is not debatable is the potential watchability.

But who do we want to watch?

Here are some of my candidates, off the top of my head:

Ray Allen
He may seem like a boring choice and might have a hard time keeping up if it got too acrobatic. But imagine if he started leading. It would be a clinic in fundamentals, which appeals to a boring white guy like myself.

Kobe Bryant
His competitive nature alone would be fun to watch, not to mention an on-again/off-again rivalry with Ray Allen. The guy makes more circus shots than most. And hates to lose.

The Birdman
Clearly one of the more creative players in the league, it seems like Andersen might have access to something that would help his ideas be more, um, psychedelic than some. Sorry, that's a bad joke. The guy has done a ton to come back.

Random D-League Guy
Spice it up with a hungry hotshot from the D-League. But make him wear a Globetrotter uni.

Globetrotter
Speaking of Globetrotters, toss one of them into this. They make a living making crazy shots. And heaven knows they could use the publicity and a revitalized image.

Retired Legend
Bring in an old guy. It'll give the competition a little more of that "Dad Always Wins In The Driveway" dynamic. Sharpshooters and trashtalkers are preferred in the vein of Reggie Miller.

Who else?