From Bad To Worse

This isn't 2008. The Heat aren't loading up their starting line-up with a murderer's row of Stephane Lamse, Kasib Powell, Alexander Johnson and Earl Barron. There isn't the hope of a Mike Beasley coming in as a proverbial savior. Most importantly, we aren't worried about whether or not Dwyane Wade is going to have the career arc of Penny Hardaway. These things I am grateful for as a Miami Heat fan.

The one thing that does compare to 2008 is the taste in my mouth after Tuesday night's drubbing in Boston. It didn't only give me nightmares from 2008, but from seasons past in Miami Heat lore. Allow me to expand.

First, the game Tuesday night had the luck of the draw when it comes to announcers. Anytime you can get Reggie Miller as the color guy during a TNT telecast, you can count on ridiculous hyperbole, knife twisting and wound salting, overexcited yelling at random times, and terrible anecdotes. Tuesday was no exception. The Heat were hard at work preparing the finest turd sandwich that $73 million can buy. Everybody could see that. Reggie managed to reiterate it at least a dozen times at the expense of my fandom. Then he began to get loud and obnoxious, yelling things like "Trade KG" every time Big Baby made an awkward lay-up or "the side-line three should be renamed the Ray Allen" as Ray poured in 3 balls from all over the court. Only two other announcers have driven me as mad as Miller Time did tuesday night; Doug Collins and Bill Walton. These three share a common bond. They are poor color commentators who somehow get some of the bigger games and spend the entire night embellishing their careers and raising even the most meager of stars to the upper echelon of NBA greats. Not to mention they are 10 times worse when your team is losing.

There was a time during the late 90's Heat playoff runs where I had to watch games on mute because Bill Walton seemed to be commentating durning EVERY Heat game. And they would lose every game he was working. It was a dark time for me. I didn't even have to watch the games to know the outcome. I just had to hear the play by play long enough to distinguish the voices.

Doug Collins is just as bad. Just watch any Lakers game. Or any Bulls game in the late 90's. Or any Jazz fan during their Finals runs. Or even a Suns fan as recent as Sunday night. He has the ability, same as Reggie and Bill, to take a bad game and make it worse.

I'd like to thank Charles Barkley for begging TNT to switch over to the Suns/Blazers game and saving me from further misery. And I'd like to ask for just one playoff game win this year. Just one. But if not, I'm glad the Celtics are looking like they really might have one more run left in them.

THE DAVID BRACKET: A

1 Boston vs. 16 Portland

Remember Danny Ainge’s face the night of the draft lottery? Remember Kevin Prtichard’s? Maybe we can do a split screen of their faces then and their faces after the series.

Thank a Boston sweep for saving us from the 8-part, halftime “special conversation” with Bill Walton. Yeah we remember that you won championships on both the 77 Blazers and 85 Celtics, but how does playing for Coach Wooden fit into this series? One more second of the 7 foot leprechaun being hoisted up on the shoulders of a sea of Portland fans or the goofy grin after the 1985 Championship and I would be having bad acid trips the rest of my life. On another split screen note could we get a split screen NBA commercial of Portland Bill and Boston Bill singing “Cassidy”?


8 Utah vs. 9 Orlando

Boozer vs. Howard for the Charmin Softie Big Man of the year and one lucky winner will get the chance to go to Camp KG!
Taking a cue from Giuliani’s campaign, Orlando forfeits games 1 and 2 in Utah because they have a plan, they are banking it all on Florida because Utah never loses at home right? Boozer’s hot potato post moves nearly cost Utah a win in game 3 until Deron Williams stops passing him the ball and starts playing. Orlando picks up a win in game 4 behind 49 points from Hedo Turkoglu despite Howard and Boozer playing patty cake in front of the scorer’s table for most of the second half. Sticking with the plan, Orlando never makes the trip back to Salt Lake City claiming they were never really in the playoffs.

The Magic lose the series but the real loser in Orlando was the Happiest Place on Earth title (thanks to Prozac and Diet Coke is about to be supplanted by Anytown, USA), which failed to make Kirilenko happy. “I only get one chance a year for this,” he said as he boarded the flight back to Utah. I guess Daisy Duck hasn’t aged well.