Write or Be Written

Long has the adage floated around that those who win the war write the history books. I wonder if that saying exists in Great Britain. Or in Japan. Or anywhere that has very publicly lost a war. My guess is there isn't a phrase for that in German and that it only works in American English where we have a sparkling record in battle...or at least completely unwilling to admit defeat. Therein lies the point. No matter what happens, we write the history. We decide what we will remember.

The NBA is no different than American History. Players decide how their legacy will be written. At no other time during the NBA season are there more words being poured into the history books. Just ask First Round Tracy how important the playoffs are to NBA History. This year has been no exception to the rule. There are players who are actively writing and re-writing their legacy on the court. On the other side of the coin, there are players who are passively letting their history be edited like a bunch of college freshman who just realized anyone can edit a wikipedia page. Its not win or go home, its write or be written.

The Writers
This is not a comprehensive list, but rather a small selection of players who have done more for reshaping our memory of them than anyone else.

Steve Nash
We already knew he was tough and that he made his teammates better. But we weren't sure he could carry his team. We didn't know if he was wired with a "get on my back and I'll make sure we walk away with a win" chip. Turns out he is. I thought he was crazy wen he re-signed with Phoenix for four more years. I thought Amare would be an idiot to hitch his wagon to a 36 year old white guy who will have to guard the quickest players in the league. I was certain there were a number of better opportunities for Nash where he could push hard for two years for a title and have a better supporting cast. Turns out I was wrong. No matter how the Lakers series turns out, I will never again say that Nash didn't deserve those two MVPs.

Grant Hill
Take note all you twilight-of-your-career-stars who still think they need 20 shots a game and enough touches to get into a rhythm even though they no longer have the physical ability to require even a single team, let alone a double team. Grant Hill has effectively gone from aged, former star to defensive stopper and effective role player on a winning team. Just ask Jerryd Bayless how efective he has been.



Deron Williams
He has played in the the second round or later in nearly everyone of his NBA seasons, yet judging by the kind things being said about him, you would think this was his first trip to the playoffs. The only thing he has done differently this year is break Chris Paul's knee. Its working.

The Being Written
This is not a comprehensive list, but rather a small selection of players who have done very little to help themselves.

Shaq
Remember Oliver Miller? I do, but only because Shaq is a glaring, constant reminder. He obviously didn't take any notes from Grant Hill during his 18 months in Phoenix.

LeBron James
He is doing exactly what everybody knows he is capable of, except he has to do it every moment of every game. How does this not help our view of him and shouldn't it be more about his teammates? Yes they are to blame for their disappearing act but consider this: if a home-schooled child never learns to read, is it his fault or his parents? LeBron is the parent in this case and his teammates are the illiterate children. Any sign of trouble and LeBron immediately takes over. He can't sit back idly while his teammates struggle through words like "rebound", "defense" or "make an open shot". Of course we enjoy watching him dominate and I can only image Mo Williams does too. He has just become to accustomed to it happening. Same for Side-Show Bob, Grand Theft West, Sheldon Williams's brother-in-law and ABC's in-studio analyst for the 2010-2011 season Mike Brown.

Andrei Kirilenko
A couple years ago, AK "threatened" to walk away from the NBA. Then someone must have told him how many Rubles equals one million Dollars. He had a mini-renaissance for about 3/4 of the season before returning to Siberia.

Joe Johnson
He must really be looking forward to that max contract with the Nets. He will then really see what its like when fans don't show up. He wil have to drop the "e" from Joe in order to fit in, but thats a small price to pay for the max contract badge of honor.

Mr. Big Z Goes To Washington

We figured since Big Z has been so gracious to us all season we should give him another opportunity to voice his thoughts to our readers, even though he is no longer with the Cleveland Cavaliers. Big Z, the floor is yours.

"I thought after this commercial that I was finally one of the guys and could start participating in the timeout photo shoots and the all-night poker parties at 'Bron's house. I also thought that being one of the guys meant I was going to get to finish out my contract with the only team I've ever known.



I guess I was wrong. But now I'm not sure what to do. My agent thinks I love Cleveland, my new team has no problem with me sightseeing all day, I'm still getting paid and The Commish is trying to keep me from being able to sign back with the Cavs (assuming I get released). I'm starting to think that this new gig isn't so bad. Why would I want to go back to the Mistake By The Lake? To Witness greatness? I know what thats all about. I'm witnessing greatness everyday as I make my way through the Smithsonian. I witness greatness on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. Cleveland broke my heart when they sent me away...I'm not going to let them do it again.

Boston, Orlando...If you're listening...I am ready and willing to come teach you the handshake. Just let me finish the Air and Space Museum.

Z

P.S. You can only be Superman as long as you can fit into the tights. I don't make the rules, I just enforce them.

P.P.S. I know a lot of you have been getting some good laughs off my bald head being likened unto a Bullet, but just because I'm in Washington doesn't mean the Bullets are back."

Well there you have it....Big Z in his own words.

Leave The Best One Behind

It happens to me all the time. I get a new album, find a song or two on it I like and then play them to death. Its really a habit I should break because its ruined so many songs for me. Upon getting the newest Retribution Gospel Choir album, I found that the first song, Hide It Away, was far and away my favorite. And it didn't help that it was the first track, making it all too easy to repeat it without hearing anything else. Then I got worried that I might play it to death. Something had to change.

I got in my car one morning and the album was in the cd player. The first song had just finished but I wasn't paying too much attention to that. I just let the album play. A few songs into it, I found my self really liking the rest of what I was hearing. But I mean really liking it. I had given the cd a few plays clear through, but because I loved the first song so much, it made the rest of the songs seem very ordinary and unexciting. But something great happened that morning when the album got a good listen without being in the shadow of the best song. And turns out, the rest of it is even better than I had thought.

That leads me into my next point. Here at TBC, we've been mostly down on LeBron James. Not because he is a bad basketball player, but mostly because we didn't like being force fed hearty helpings of King James everywhere we looked. We, or maybe just me, felt that the hype was vastly over done for a guy so young and relatively unaccomplished. This season, I am starting to have a change of heart. I have seen quite a few Cavs games, though they are hard to miss, and James has definitely taken his game to another level. Its not only effecting his game, but the rest of his team looks phenomenal. He makes JJ Hickson look like the second coming of Scottie Pippen (which he isn't...Hickson will be out of the league a year after he stops playing with LeBron), he makes Boobie Gibson still look like a 12 year old and he makes Shaq (at least for 5 possessions a game) look like Lew Alcindor out there. Nobody else could do that I am convinced. Kobe would chew those guys out to the point that they wouldn't even show up to practice. Wade (as much as it pains me to say this) would get his 20 and then take the rest of the game off.

So it made me think, if you took the best player off all the teams in the league, like I did with the best song off the RGC album, which team would shine the brightest? I would be that Cleveland would not be the first team to come to mind. Or the second, third or the twentieth. This is not a new revelation. Everyone knows LeBron has been on bad teams his whole career but has managed to make them competitive. But there is something about this particular cast of characters playing with him this season that has upped the degree of difficulty, to which he has responded incredibly. And that is why I now buy into LeBron. And the Cavaliers.

48 point games by Vinsanity won't stop them. The athleticism of the Hawks won't either. Neither will KG's wooden leg. Chauncy and the Gang won't get a shot at them. Nor will Deron and his Merry Men. This year will be the matchup everyone wanted last year, Kobe v LeBron. I will stand by this prediction, even though a two year old could see this coming. The difference is, I'm not one to pencil in the favorites.

Big Baby: An Incomplete History of Self-Selected Nicknames

The Celtics quest for 72 is long since over, so let's shift our attention to random Celtic facts. For instance, Big Baby says he's done with that moniker and wants to move on to Uno Uno.

First of all, Uno Uno? Does Glen Davis have latino roots that I've missed? Uno Uno is deadeningly uncreative- it came from a sycophantic journalist, after all.

So let's look at some of the history of people trying to choose their own nicknames, an exercise in futility if ever there were one.

Kobe Bryant//The Black Mamba//only caught on in mockery...the amount of thought he had put into the "strikes with precision and deadliness" aspect is embarrassing.

Radio Shack//The Shack//Do the marketing genii behind this campaign really think they're gonna change public perception? Is Radio Shack beloved enough to anybody to ever get a nickname or even an abbreviation? "Oh yeah, man! I get all my AC adapters at The Shack!" No. Never gonna happen. It reminds me of a girl I knew in college who, while we were on a roadtrip and stopping for lunch, suggested going to "Carl's J." Carl's J? Really? You're gonna abbreviate the "unior" off of that? We started abbreviating every restaurant we saw after that: Taco B, J in the Box, Burger K, El P Loco. You get the idea.

The cast of Jersey Shore//(multiple)//all I want to say is: please let that whole shore just wash into the ocean. Please. If it can happen in hundreds of disaster movies, it has to be somewhat plausible. Please.

Laura Schlesinger//Dr. Laura//not even a doctor, yet this one somehow stuck.

Michael Jackson//The King Of Pop//at least he had a case, once upon a long ago time.

George Costanza//T-Bone//we all know how that went. He eventually became the way-less-awesome Koko.

Prince//unpronounceable symbol//the Purple One gets a pass because it was mostly a ploy to free himself from a record company's grip (imagine if an athlete changed his name just to get out of his contract)...it became "The Artist Formerly Known As Prince" when, really, the dude should've just come up with a new word for how to pronounce the symbol...he eventually went back to Prince

Shaq//The Big Aristotle, The Shaqtus, more//the difference with Shaq is that he recognizes the impermanence of a self-selected nickname and embraces it. He doesn't expect (or want, for that matter) any of the names to stick. It's impressionistic and disposable and he loves it.

Big Z's Loyalty

Dear Cavs,

Before LeBron was even born I was playing for the Cavs. I was on the All-Rookie team, MVP of the Rookie Game and a two-time All Star. And lets not forget that I am the franchise leader in all time games played. I have been nothing but loyal to the Cavs my entire career.

But the straws may have finally broken my back. First, they deny me the chance to play for Lithuania in the Beijing Olympics. Next, they don't pass the memo on to my coach to make sure I get in the game to set the All Time Games Played record at home, in front of my fans.

Now, they are shopping me for "a big man who can stretch the floor with his shooting" and hope that I will get waived by the team they send me to, only to re-sign with the Cavs 30 days later in time for the Playoffs. I hate the thought of being traded from the franchise I have given everything to. Especially to some terrible team like the Wizards or the Warriors. Even more than the thought of being traded, I hate being traded for myself. How better could you describe me than "a big man with range"? I mean come on. If you want to trade someone with an expiring contract how about that out of shape back-up center you brought in during the off-season. Then you can have not one, but two big men with range and his overweight contract off the books as well.

I don't mean to tell you how to do your job, but for once I'd like a little thanks.

Big Z

Guest Blogger: Zydrunas Ilguaskas

As part of our season-long 910 Conversation, we've enlisted a few guest bloggers to chime in when they feel moved to do so. Breaking the guest-blogging ice today is the Cavs' biggest (ok. tallest.) 2010 free agent, Zydrunas Ilguaskas. The floor is yours, Big Z.

Thank you, Spike. It's a pleasure to blog here. When ESPN declined to send a documentary crew to follow the exciting twists and turns of my pivotal year of impending free agency, I was sad. ESPN2 declining was also tough. But when Sport!!!Channel!!! from Lithuania declined? I hit rock bottom. Thank goodness for The Black Converse, giving this story a place to see the light of e-day it deserves.

Many have asked how The Big Z is coping with The Big Aristotle's arrival. I stick by my initial statement,

"I was just reading the news. That means I'll probably be coming off the bench."

I'm not going to get all Iversonian about it. Does it affect how I look at 2010? Yes. Do I still get paid the same amount? Yes. And, as anybody who knows the Z knows, it's all about the Benjamins.

Even as an all-star, I can accept a bench role when an all-time, Hall Of Fame player like Shaq is brought on. What is harder to stomach is:

the current technical free throw situation.

Of course, Lebron should shoot if he's on the floor. But, somebody else is currently 0-4 over 5 games. Now, if that somebody else were Shaq shooting and missing, as absurd as that scenario is, I could accept it. But my proficient free throw shooting ability is being overlooked for a guy named Boobie? BOOBIE? Who, make no mistake, has made fewer of these technical free throws than Shaq would...

In my next contract, there's gonna be a No Guys With Stupid Nicknames Get To Shoot The Technical Free Throws Over Me clause. I have my pride.

Also, Spike, no matter what you say, I do not look like this:

Spike note: Yes you do, Z. Yes you do.

910 Conversation: Pacific Division

GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS

The truth is: any Don Nelson team has some intrigue. Any Stephen Jackson team has some intrigue. And, so far, any Stephen Curry team has some intrigue. Those are the facts.

Intrigue, if translated into the language of Jay Bilas, is upside, potential, intangibles. So we’re calling this Bay Area team The Jay Bilas All-Stars. Anyone who’s ever watched the NBA Draft or a college game called by Bilas has heard his staggeringly encyclopedic arsenal of noncommittal superlatives- great length, intangibles, upside, athleticism, recovery. We decided that these- the admittedly intriguing roster of the Golden State Warriors- are the kinds of players that inspire Bilas to run, not walk, to the thesaurus. We'll be looking for signs of Bilas-ness* in the Warriors.

*The irony that the two (arguably) most important players on this team (Jackson, Monta Ellis) never went to college yet the team is nicknamed after a college hoops aficionado like Bilas is unavoidable. But we’ll press on. I mean, we’ll tip some balls (Biedrins), make some hard cuts, bring some energy (Turiaf), provide instant offense (Curry), and hopefully have some good second jumpability if our first jumps fail.

LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS
Oh, the optimism that’s wafting through the L.A. air. Two teams that made the MLB league championships (may they rest in peace). Two teams that could make some noise in the NBA this year, with one sporting the ridiculously odds-on favorite for Rookie Of The Year. The praise is flowing like Botox. The hype is buzzing like a liposuction machine. This is L.A. to the seedy, heartless core.

But, underneath it all, people are nervous. They may not admit it; they may not want to even acknowledge that they’re denying it. But’s it’s there. The uneasiness. The doubts. They don’t trust anything that has Clippers written on it. And who can blame them? It’s a stench that won’t leave no matter how many times you scrub it. Players come to the Clippers with hope only to leave with “the stink.” Is this the season? Can Griffin & Co. become the official Exorcisers Of The Stink?

Well, to paraphrase ol’ Half Dollar, get wins or die trying. Our role? We’ll provide the visual aid. There’s one way to remove a stink with the potency and vintage of the Clippers' strain. Stay tuned this season to see if this year’s lucky Clips have the answer.

LOS ANGELES LAKERS

What's left to say about the Lake Show? Artest is a super interesting wild card in the mold of a more offensively-talented Rodman, which Zenphil has experience with.* Odom was a wise re-signing and looks almost sane in the formidably crazy shadow of RonRon. Their wing defense will be formidable as will their swagger. Gasol is by far the world's best Jar Jar Binks impersonator/power forward. Bynum is set to break out for the 10th straight season. They might miss Ariza. They might not. But their core is pretty wicked, as every prognostiblogger has said ad nauseum.

*I do have a theory that Artest’s uniform # (37) is not, as he says, a tribute to Michael Jackson, but rather a fittingly odd/backwards assertion of his goal this season: 73 wins. Break the record. Just this week, he was quoted saying that this team was one of the best ever assembled. If you think ambitious dudes like Kobe, Phil, Artest, etc don’t have history in their sights, you need to pay more attention to the cheesy X hat Phil wore after he broke Red Auerbach’s record. For their sake, I hope the pursuit of history doesn’t obscure their view of what it takes to just win the 2010 title. Maybe they should call Tom Brady, Belichick, et al for some pointers. Speaking of distractions **

**Hate to offer up the actual storyline in a footnote, but it does seem culturally appropriate. We’re going to track how often a Laker is a distraction to a Kardashian. Very simple. In fact, this is probably a good time to welcome my wife to the blog. She’ll be our Kardashian beat researcher. Like Jeff Tweedy, I have no reservations about her ability to keep us at least as in-the-know as those hacks at TMZ.

PHOENIX SUNS

I love Steve Nash. I do. Let’s just get that little tidbit of journalistic objectivity out of the way.

I’m bummed that his title hopes are probably washed away. This season, for the Suns, the only thing we’ll track is how many ideas of Nash’s Shaq rips off.

So far (retroactive justice): 1. The reality show that Steve Nash would’ve been infinitely better at. 2. Go to a rival team to get back at a former team that loved you but couldn't keep you.

SACRAMENTO PRINCES

So little faith do we at The Black Converse have in this year’s Kings that we are willing to put our money where our mouth is.

On Friday, January 29, the Sacramento Kings make their last visit to Salt Lake City. A ticket up in the cheapest seats starts at $10 but– after all the ridiculous tacked-on fees– is $21.50 per person. We’ll say the Kings get $1.50/win. So, if the Kings have won 14 games at that point (basically the midpoint of the season), we’ll buy the seats and weather a Kings game. To give you an idea of what they’re up against, last season they finished 17-65. A reasonable 11-game improvement (new coach, stay healthy, keep star happy) will shut us up.

See you January 29, Sacramento?

(In a further note, if they hit 20 wins by that game, we’ll buy the next tier of seats. 25 and we go lower bowl.)

Shaq: 1 Oprah: 0

Saw this posted on Facebook. It doesn't even matter to me if it's real or not. Love it.

Public Displays of Fan-spression

One of the best parts about summer is seeing fellow sports fans out and about with a chance to show off their summer bodies and their loyalty to their favorite teams. Sports jerseys are a funny thing. I loved them in Jr. High, but gave up on them going into high school when I realized I was the only one who knew who Russell #6 was for Boston.
In the era of wild free agency, purchasing a jersey is like playing roulette. You are better off with anything that only sports the team logo, which is why baseball caps are so popular. As much as I like seeing jerseys, I like trying to figure out the story behind why it was being worn. Here are a few from the summer thus far.

#34 Milwaukee Bucks Ray Allen
Way to stick with it, but of course you had to because you bought the $200 dollar authentic jersey. And its purple. I would guessing you think He Got Game is the best movie of this year. Just count your lucky stars they were out of Big Dog Robinson jerseys when you made your purchase.

#9 USA Michael Jordan
A pretty good choice but only the second best jordan jersey in my opinion. The best is the one with Chicago written in cursive letters, also known as the one from THE Dunk Contest.

#32 Phoenix Suns Shaquille O'Neal
I thought Steve Kerr would be the last one to stop wearing his Shaq Suns jersey. Side note: Another authentic error.

#8 Black Lakers Kobe Bryant
Not really sure what to think here. It made me mad at first, then I realized he probably spent close to $200 on it, then spent another $30 on black Dickies shorts to match. Good call on the white socks though.
I am not the loser on this one.

We Keep Waiting

Rewind to mid-February. Rumors were rampant of blockbuster trades to shed salaries. But all we ended up with was Jermaine to the Heat, Chauncey to Denver and a few other minor trades that were over hyped due to the lack of movement. Then we waited for Utah to become the sleeper in the West, Shaq to put the Suns in a first round match-up with Kobe, LeBron to collect his first title, KG to come hobbling out of the tunnel and be an instant "Where Amazing Happens" commercial. But as much as we hoped for it, nothing happened. Orlando made the Finals beating both Boston and Cleveland who were scheduled to battle for the Finals from the get go of the season. The Lakers silenced darlings all the way to the Larry O'Brien trophy; Houston and Chris Rock Jr's Red bow tie, Denver and Chauncy's home coming and finally Orlando's hot shooting. Time and again we (or maybe just me) kept talking ourselves into something new and exciting that could happen, that we wanted to happen.

Then the NBA Draft started creeping up on us. And the days prior to it were like a page taken from a video game where you make the computer accept ridiculous trades in order to load your team up. Shaq to Cleveland. 5 months too late. VC to Orlando. A big game choker to a team that recently did just that only in the process they their only two clutch players; Hedo and Courtney Lee (I don't think Lee's missed lob was his fault at all) Richard Jefferson and his tiny ears to the Spurs. How fast do you think it took for RC Buford (best GM name ever) to say yes to this one? I say he put his hand over the phone and whispered over to Pop something like, "Would you trade your '96 Corolla, '94 Ford Ranger and $500 bucks for a '05 5 series?" To which Pop replied, "Is that the Bucks on the other line?"

So now we have Cleveland, Phoenix, Orlando, New Jersey and Milwaukee talking themselves into things. The Shaq Era, The Steve Kerr Era, The Vinsanity Era, 2010 Leftovers in Jersey, and the Fabricio Bogut Era. Maybe these trades will end up being just what everyone needs, but I'll wait until I'm proved wrong.

The Draft was a night of Stu Scott, Marc Jackson and JVG trying to get excited about each draft pick and at the same time avoid eye contact with Jay Bilas. Even the "at the chair" interviews were painful, like trying to get through a blind date with your aunt's neighbor's daughter at Red Robin painful.

Looking at the first two quarters of music, there is a bit of a parallel. Earlier we highlighted a few anticipated releases for the first half of the year, which never really panned out to be what he had hoped. We keep hoping, waiting for that to change. Signs point for that to happen next week. So stay tuned.

NBA Finals Wrap Up

Okay so this is about a week and a half late. Who really cares besides the 90,000 fans in the Rose Bowl? And don't we need a little NBA to keep us going until the Draft? I mostly want to reiterate a few things that Spike brought up and ramble about a few other things that were a bit overlooked amongst all the "First Without Shaq" hype.

1. Phil Jackson. Great Coach. He is an opportunist but I will finally admit that he has earned the right to be such. And as long as he doesn't get too Brett Favre on us every offseason (oh wait...that has already happened EVERY YEAR for the last who knows how many) he can wear all ten rings around any time he chooses. We'll let time tell us if he will have to consult the great Bill Russell on where to wear the 11th.

2. Kobe Bryant. The Best Front Runner. He got his, first without Shaq. First with Gasol. Thats how I am referring to it. The most dominant Euro big man since Sabonis. A two time All Star, Rookie of the Year, Silver Medalist. The guy is good. Good enough to carry LA to the Playoffs without Kobe, but if I recall, there was a year before they got Pau when Kobe couldn't shoulder the load. Let us also remember this. If KG isn't injured, Kobe is watching the Celtics parade up and down the Back Bay for the second straight year. And if the Cavs would have pulled the trigger on Shaq in February, LeBron and Lil Dez would be hitting the late night circuit as we speak. (Side note: The Cavs are now in talks to acquire Shaq. Let me be the first to say that this is about 6 months too late. Shaq played his best ball of the last 3 years to finish out the 08-09 season and he most likely will not be doing an encore for 82 more games. They should have bought high. Find me a Cavs fan who, given the choice, would take Wally and Ben Wallace's broken leg instead of The Shaq Attack.) He is still the only NBA player immortalized here.

3. Best NBA Players of All Time (Top 10) Jordan, Russell, Wilt, Bird, Magic, Oscar, Kareem, Julius, Shaquille, Duncan.

4. Orlando Magic. Lets say you are in charge of PR for an NBA franchise. And said franchise has a dark spot on its not so storied history involving missed free throws in a clutch moment of an NBA Finals game. Would you invite that player back as part of a pre game celebration before the first game on your home court? And a follow up, would you expect it to not make a mental impact on the current team? Well guess what...

The Finals were great. Two overtime games and another that hung in the balance as time wound down. I could have easily been Orlando in 5 as it was LA in 5.

So I guess we should just hit the gym and start counting down.

Injury Report 4.2

Once again, a rundown of the injuries in the Association.

Allen Iverson (actually retiring instead of coming off the bench) is doubtful.

Joe Dumars (calling Iverson's bluff) is probable.

Any team (wanting Iverson's services) is highly doubtful.

Allen Iverson (joining T-Mak and Vince-mail in some sort of NBA version of The Breakfast Club) will wait until the offseason.

Shaquille O'Neal (signing on to the same movie) is rumored to have interest.

Stan Van Gundy (taking pot shots at every team the Magic play) is cleared for tonight's game.

Stan Van Gundy (getting the Gundy kicked out of him at some point before mid-April) is also cleared for tonight's game.

Stan Van Gundy (causing one of his players to get flagrant two'ed in the last game of the regular season because he can't keep his mouth shut) is highly probable.

James Posey (bringing the Miami/Boston mojo to the Bayou) is seeking another opinion on where his mojo might actually be.

Austin Powers (going back in time with Posey in a hilarious adventure to find both their mojos only to find out that they have the same dad while fighting miniature versions of themselves) is rumored to have interest.

James Posey (the new Robert Horry) is doubtful.

Kevin Garnett (taking the next two weeks off and only sleeping 2 hours a night because he is spending 22 hours a day psyching himself up in the mirror) is taking part in drills.

If the playoffs started today...Vol IV

As the playoffs seeding and positioning begins to tighten, we think about all the possible scenarios of the teams that will make the playoffs. But there are a lot of good things to come out of certain teams not making the playoffs. Here is a quick rundown of the goodness that would come to you...If the playoffs started today.

Baron and Steve
Nevermind the overplayed Vitamin Water Steve Nash. Forget about the dunk over Kirilenko and the decibel meters up in Oakland. Davis and Nash together, not playing basketball, can be nearly as fun.

D'Antoni and Walsh
If LeBron wins the title in Cleveland this year, and/or next year, you have to wonder if he will still want to go play with...looking for a Knicks player who is under contract past next season...looking...looking...okay I know there are a couple but it doesn't really matter. They are all scrubs including KryptoNate. So it looks like if he goes off to NYC and MSG he will be playing with...wait for it...Himself. So I wonder if Mike and Donny are going to be having playoff viewing parties in that penthouse apartment on 5th Avenue that the team bought and outfitted for LeBron. (kinda like when parents get the room all put together before the baby is born) And I wonder what the looks on their faces will be like when he is going for 50 9 9 a game in the playoffs. Absolute Joy or Absolute Fear? I bet they'll be rooting for Mo to miss open jumpers and Varejao to turn back into Sideshow Bob.

The Real Shaq
Which sidekick will The Real Shaq be rooting for via his Twitter feed? His new best buddie, Kobe? (who has a chance to equal him in titles) His old best buddie, Dwyane? (who has no real reason to get any love from the Big Fella) His on court best buddie, Nash? (to not abandon him on the Suns and ruin the last season of his career) His almost best buddie, LeBron? (who he almost teamed up with at the deadline and has a chance to keep Timmy Duncan from passing him in career titles) His illegitimate son, Dwight? (to do in Orlando what he could never do...win a title. That would mean he would be backhandedly rooting for Van Gundy so thats out)
My guess is he will only be trying to put the attention on himself by dissing all these guys in freestyle rap videos or talking about being 5th all time on the scoring list in heartfelt, halftime interviews.

Injury Report (Shaq Edition)

Shaquille O'Neal (ego) is active indefinitely

Shaquille O'Neal (being pinned down by anyone)

Shaquille O'Neal (letting Van Gundy's remarks go) is doubtful for this week, questionable for the remainder of the season

Shaquille O'Neal (making sense when he talks) is day to day

Shaquille O'Neal (hypocrite) is probably for tonight's media Q & A

Shaquille O'Neal (making up his mind about the best player he has played with) is doubtful to ever happen

Shaquille O'Neal (doing nice things for people) is active here

Shaquille O'Neal (must see TV) is day to day

Shaquille O'Neal (being bothered by only being must see TV every once in a while) is very active

Shaquille O'Neal (turning nothing into something so he can be must see TV) is highly probable

Shaquille O'Neal (being the son of an extra terrestrial from the planet Krypton) is doubtful though not entirely out of the question

Shaquille O'Neal (joining Kenny and Charles in the studio during the entire playoffs) is still about a week out

If the playoffs started today...

Here are a few of the current match-ups for the 2009 NBA Playoffs

LeBron in Cleveland for the next 10-15 vs. Mo Williams not turning into Boobie Gibson
by that I mean one lights out game and lights off every other game

Mikki Moore and Teambury vs. The Ghosts of PJ and Sam
Something tells me Mikki isn't going to rebound better than the Notorious P.J.B. in only 6 minutes per game.
And I don't see Teambury being content in warmups the entire postseason.

Iverson starting (6-18) vs. Hamilton starting (2-0)
Unless Iverson gets a walker...or waived.

NBA marketing vs. the economy
How can Stern resist Shaq vs. Kobe in the first round? 'Bro vs. Wade in the second round?
So who does he have to bribe for these to happen? Is Bennett still in his back pocket? Does he still have those pictures of Mark Cuban? Can he talk China into taking Yao back right now? Or talk Houston into waving the rest of their team?

Would You Jump Off A Cliff If He Did?

Dear LeBron,

I know you spent a lot of time with Kobe over the summer. And I know you think he is soooo cool. But this is really a new low in emulation. You had ZERO ASSISTS last night against the Houston Rockets. I can excuse the Kobe-esque 33% shooting, the Black Mamba-ish one-on-five with everyone standing around watching you, even the post-dunk scowl. But for Mr. I'm Gonna Average A Triple Double For My Career? This was inexcusable. Even Ben "I Broke My Leg and Didn't Know It" Wallace had more assists and rebounds than you in half the time.

Keep this up and you'll never escape the curse of being the next Kobe Bryant. Except that Shaq won't be coming to give you a title.

Sincerely,

Charlie T. Hustle Jr.


P.S. One rebound was pretty pathetic too. Correction, Really pathetic.

Trade Questions

First of all, the rumor mill and the "reliable sources" are growing tiresome. The facts, so far, about this Trade Season is that it's all small fries. It's smaller than the card game in Almost Famous when Stillwater's manager uses the Band Aids as a bet. These aren't power players. In fact, most of them are minor pieces. Role players, for some of these guys, is an overstatement. Role sitters is probably more accurate.

So some thoughts:

The Big Cactus to the Cavs
A) There's no way.
B) How great would it be if Shaq just kept traveling and reeling in the championships? At this point, I want him to create a big cushion that'll make it harder for Kobe to "prove himself." I know All-Star Weekend was supposed to eradicate those rivalry feelings. It didn't. Shaq still wants to win The Legacy Battle with Kobe-san.
C) Would this basically be admitting, within a week, that the last 3 big moves they made were failures? 1) Watch Shawn Marion drift off like one of the Oceanic 6 with no island and then get traded to Canada. 2) Fire Terry Porter while watching D'Antoni make the Knicks a story again. 3) Trade Shaq?

The Big Postage Stamp to ____
The only thing that makes this seem possible is New Jersey's dogged determination to clear room for that kid that Jay-Z likes. Mostly, I'm surprised by the teams that are supposedly showing interest- San Antonio and Portland? These are, in my mind, two of the teams that are doing the right stuff to create winning atmospheres.

Is Tyson Chandler happy?
That first practice is going to have Michael Scott Level Awkwardness. I think the players will be fine. But I bet management hates seeing Chandler's agent's number on the caller I.D.

The Buck Stops Richard Jefferson
Chris Broussard says Milwaukee wants to ditch Richard Jefferson. As if anything that organization is doing ever makes sense. I bet they still drunk dial Ray Allen.

Starbury is going nowhere.
That sentence couldn't be more correct on every level. If I were a New York beat writer, I would write a fiery indictment and title it The Cancerbury Tales.

All-Star Bullets

What this isn't: Observations about Wes Unseld or Elvin Hayes
What this is: Observations about the All-Star Weekend festivites

Shaq is still fun
The pre-game dancing went on about 4 minutes longer than he actually played in the game but I didn't care.
Calling Craig Sager unprofessional for asking about the Suns' coaching status during the pre-game was an unheralded highlight.

Dwight Howard is fun
I got a little tired of all the Dunk Contest gimmicks, the phone booth, but his performance Sunday made me penitent.
He might have the best smile in the league and its nice to see him along with all the other players smiling too.

Kobe is still awkward
10 shots in the first quarter? Really? Who was gunning for the MVP out there besides you? Nobody.

Pink and Orange don't match
Thanks Craig...now I don't have to ever look like an idiot while I figure it out.

The Dunk Contest lacks innovation
The 12 foot hoop was good, but couldn't you have done a more exciting dunk on it than that?
Another free throw line dunk? Really?
Was J.R. even trying?
Congratulations Nate for bringing a green ball...that was the pinnacle of innovation.

Joe Johnson not an All-Star
The most boring part of H-O-R-S-E.
22 minutes and ZERO points, including 0-3 from the 3 PT line.
You also managed 0 assists and 0 rebounds while committing 5 turnovers. Cool.

Durant is an All-Star
And he might have the coolest shoes in the league right now

Spike needs to give D-Wade a break
The bow-tie during the rookie game was great. The outfit during saturday night was fun. And the band-aid, well its a band-aid. What do you want on it, Snoopy? Little Mermaid?

LeBron will not be competing in the Dunk Contest
Do I need to explain this one?

The All-Star game hasn't figured out the music
Bring in one star hip-hopper too perform all the songs. Don't do video montages of Britney. Is this really that hard?

Meet Me In The Mourning. Or At Least The Middle

We can forgive Charlie T for being a bit of a homer. The face of his favorite franchise just hung it up like Junior Brown. Well, no one hangs it up like Junior Brown. But, then again, nobody was quite like Alonzo Mourning.

You can call this post a non-aggressive attempt to sway this blog to a more objective place. And I say that, fully admitting that there will always be a place for homer-ism here. We like to hear Bill Simmons talk about the Sox, Celts, and Pats. We like that Cameron Crowe worked Xavier McDaniel into Singles. Those things are endearing.

So let's meet in the middle, Charlie T.

WHO WAS ZO? THESE ARE THE FACTS.

- Certainly one of the best defensive centers ever after Bill Russell. He was a two-time NBA Defensive Player of the Year. While he played in the league, ballots practically arrived to voters with his name already punched. That's how often he was on the All Defensive Team.

- Speaking of punches, Zo was a fighter. Sure, he mixed it up on the court and had his share of scuffles, but I'm talking about another kind of fight. And that's the fight to come back after a kidney transplant and get an NBA championship. Committing to play D in the NBA is already a sign of heart, but he reached new levels of Unquestionability. Maybe we should call it, in honor of Zo, "having kidney," i.e. "that kid showed a lot of kidney laying out for that loose ball..." Maybe that's inappropriate.

- He was highly decorated. Gold medalist, First and Second Team All-NBA (during a period of particularly good centers), NBA All Star, All Rookie Team,

- He will always be connected to Shaquille O'Neal. They were drafted 1-2 and had a semi-documented rivalry that- come on, Charlie T- O'Neal owned. In the end, it was the Shaq/Wade combo that got Zo his ring. And, Charlie T, don't undersell the impact of Bennett Salvatore and/or Ring Wraith Posey.


- He couldn't get along with Grandmama. His inability to coexist with Larry Johnson got him shipped out of Charlotte, where he led the team in scoring, rebounding, and blocked shots. Now, tell me, if a team is willing to trade Player A (their scoring, rebounding, and blocked shot leader) to keep Player B happy, what does that say about Player A? Further, such was the animosity between LJ and Zo, that Zo went after Knick Grandmama in the famous Van Gundy Grabs Leg Brawl and brilliantly got himself suspended for the 5th and Deciding Game. That's showing some serious kidney, there.

- He complained his way out of his jersey. Literally. The Nets held onto him through his kidney troubles, only to be badtalked once he got back in the game. He vented to the media, which is the classiest way out if you ask, say, Starbury.

- Once Unhappy Zo was traded, he refused to report to his new team, the Raptors. "Pulling A Rony Seikaly" isn't a compliment.

- Despite these character assassinations, the guy is very, very charitable. He has a foundation that does amazing things and helped found Athletes For Hope. Something must've been in the water when he and Dikembe were at Georgetown because both of these guys do a lot of good.

- He was in a Hootie & The Blowfish video. I guess that could've gone in the charities' bullet. Emphasis on bullet.

- He would be the Heat's first retired number. Except they already retired numbers for Michael Jordan and Dan Marino. No joke.

Dream Team-Up, Pt.2

(Part 2 of our continuing series of proposed team-ups for a hypothetical, winner takes all, All-Star Weekend 2-on-2 tournament)

Pairing #2

Team Name: The Men of Steel or Supermen
Team Members: Shaquille O'Neal and Dwight Howard



Remember when comic books decided to do alternate universes and multiple comics about- what to the layman or non-nerd or guy with a girlfriend would appear to be- the same character? That's what's been happening with Shaq and Dwight Howard. Both have made claims to the title- one with a tattoo (and, let's face it, actual titles) and the other with a cape and some Slam Dunk Contest Shenanigans.

Teaming up for the 2-on-2 tournament allows these guys to do a few things:

- Fuse their Supermanhood. That sounded bad. Really bad. But the point is that the power of two Supermen is undeniable.
- Be a matchup nightmare. There is almost no one in the league that can, 1-on-1, guard either of these guys. Now try to find TWO guys who can. (And, yes, the committee recognizes that being a matchup nightmare also makes them a matchup liability, but if they can get a lead...) In a halfcourt game especially- where taking it down the court is nullified- these guys check the ball and throw it inside. Who wants to face that?
- Allow Shaq to finally indulge in his dream to be a point guard. We've seen Shaq light up like Fleet Foxes at a beard growers convention whenever he gets a chance to bring the ball up the floor. Big Magic will finally get his shot. Like I said in the previous bullet point, he'll be pg'ing, but not fullcourt.
- Showcase the dominance of Orlando Magic centers, past and present. Sorry, Michael Doleac, Marcin Gortat, and Andrew Declerq. You didn't quite make the cut.
- Have an official Pass The Torch moment. The Most Dominant Center torch isn't going to Yao. And it's not going to Amare. It's going to Howard. This is the surest way to avoid any confusion, any "but Amare is my teammate" loyalties getting in the way. All the greats want to have a definitive moment where they passed the torch, and passed it to the heir they chose. This is it.
- Have an unofficial Pass The Torch moment. Shaq is about as likable as they come- good with the media, unbelievably good natured for a guy who gets mugged every time he touches the ball, likes to play around, fun, etc. Howard is next in line for this, more unofficial, title too. If these guys get a lead, you can count on some kind of Harlem Globetrotters routine breaking out.