Mr. Big Z Goes To Washington

We figured since Big Z has been so gracious to us all season we should give him another opportunity to voice his thoughts to our readers, even though he is no longer with the Cleveland Cavaliers. Big Z, the floor is yours.

"I thought after this commercial that I was finally one of the guys and could start participating in the timeout photo shoots and the all-night poker parties at 'Bron's house. I also thought that being one of the guys meant I was going to get to finish out my contract with the only team I've ever known.



I guess I was wrong. But now I'm not sure what to do. My agent thinks I love Cleveland, my new team has no problem with me sightseeing all day, I'm still getting paid and The Commish is trying to keep me from being able to sign back with the Cavs (assuming I get released). I'm starting to think that this new gig isn't so bad. Why would I want to go back to the Mistake By The Lake? To Witness greatness? I know what thats all about. I'm witnessing greatness everyday as I make my way through the Smithsonian. I witness greatness on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. Cleveland broke my heart when they sent me away...I'm not going to let them do it again.

Boston, Orlando...If you're listening...I am ready and willing to come teach you the handshake. Just let me finish the Air and Space Museum.

Z

P.S. You can only be Superman as long as you can fit into the tights. I don't make the rules, I just enforce them.

P.P.S. I know a lot of you have been getting some good laughs off my bald head being likened unto a Bullet, but just because I'm in Washington doesn't mean the Bullets are back."

Well there you have it....Big Z in his own words.

Possible Landing Places For Agent Zero

(how ironic is that nickname now, with all the gun toting?)

Now that Gilbert Arenas' basketball future is in question (at very least with the Wiz, er, Bullets), it's never too soon to think ahead. So where could Arenas land? Besides the clink, of course...

...a cameo on the current season of 24 as, what else, a professional basketball player who brings an unauthorized weapon on a White House visit. Is he a loose cannon with a vendetta against the president? Or just a moron? Stay tuned next week (sound of time ticking down).

...the Harlem Globetrotters could use a little edge and a man with Arenas' personality and skills is a rare find.

...NRA conventions have to pay handsomely, don't they?

...YouTube. A self-parody has helped many troubled stars (Pee Wee Herman, for instance, killed when he opened an MTV awards show- right after his "incident"- with the self-deprecating line, "Heard any good jokes lately?") Gilbert needs to hire some of the FunnyOrDie.com folks to help him skewer himself in style.

...The Ernie/Kenny/Chuck show. Imagine somebody crazier than Barkley.

...a Jackie Chan movie. Now that the Chris Tuckers and Owen Wilsons of the world have turned and run, old man Chan needs a new, cross-cultural foil. Who better than a trigger-happy jock?

Any other ideas?

DEEEE-TROIT!!!

From ESPN.com:

An announced crowd of only 13,544 showed up to watch these struggling teams. The Pistons are now 12-25, and Washington is 12-24; in the Eastern Conference, only the NBA-worst New Jersey Nettes (TBC change) have fewer victories.

A. My guess is that the announced crowd exceeded the actual crowd. It's almost always that way.
B. At what point are the Pistons going to stop PRETENDING to make big changes and actually make big changes?
C. The Bullets, er, Wiz can't really blame that crappy record on the drama surrounding Agent .22, er, Zero. He was playing in plenty of those L's.
D. What part of Kid Rock's career (remember: we are sort of trying to stick to our preseason themes- Detroit's was how the team's season parallels Kid Rock's career) are we looking at now? My suggestions: maybe when Uncle Kracker (basically a Kid Rock coattailer)'s career took off? Or, and this is the one I like, when Kid Rock recorded a duet with Sheryl Crow for country radio that may have been moderately successful at the time but basically de-balled him for life AND, in retrospect, was desperate and, hey, NOT GOOD. The parallels with the "big" Villanueva (or as Hot Rod Hundley used to call him Villavanovia) and Gordon signings are too good to pass up.

Prophetic

Remember these posts, when we basically said that- until the Wizards (horrible name) change back to the Bullets (good name that wasn't so great in the Marion Berry/The Wire era)- the curse would continue?

Well, how appropriately poetic are the latest DC developments?

We speculated that the usual injuries and bad luck would upend this year's Wizards, but ACTUAL BULLETS? (OK. Guns. But still.) Amazing.

You're Still Not Listening

The Wiz -

We told you how to fix the Wizards and apparently the message still isn't getting though. We will not stop until you have met our demands. Curse-ing is in full effect, just ask your fans.

- The Bullets

The Bullets Will Not Be Ignored

You were warned in the preseason and you didn't listen. So naturally we had to make our message a little clearer.

Get rid of that lousy WNBA name and uniforms and we will let you be.

- The Bullets

PS We do like the Abe Lincoln tattoo. That can stay.

910 Conversation - Southeast Division

Atlanta Hawks

Every season starts with plenty of expectations that cloud our view of reality. As a fan, your team is always going to win about 10 more games than they actually do and you never expect them to do worse than they did the year before. (Trust me, I talked myself into the Heat making a run at the playoffs about 5 different times during their incredible 15 win season.) Inflated expectations are a tough thing to manage throughout the season but they at least can give you hope before you finally succumb to reality. Lets be clear, overachievers do not have to worry about expectations. Its the achievers that have more and more to live up to each year (see: James, LeBron)
There was a heavy debate between Spike and myself about this Hawks team. They took a huge step in managing the expectations following their coming out party against the eventual champion Celtics two years ago by making it to the second round. Now their expectations have been raised so high that they will have to equal the greatest Hawks team (the one lead by the Human Highlight Film himself Dominique Wilkins) and make it to the Conference Finals.
So will this Hawks team live up to expectations or will they weight be too much to bear? Will a team that keeps adding interesting pieces (Jamal Crawford) and continues to retain vital ones (Mike Bibby) continue their climb into the Eastern Conference elite? Or will this just be another ho-hum Hawks team in the vein of those led by Adam Keefe?
Only time (and us) will tell...expectations vs reality...Adam Keefe or Dominique.

Charlotte Bobcats

Look at this roster. Is there any actual direction to the addition or subtraction to players on this team? When I try and figure out how this team came to be all I can picture is MJ, and whoever else has been involved, taking a boat out to the Island of Misfit Hoopsters and loading up on whatever was on sale at the time. Boris Diaw, Tyson Chandler, Larry Brown, Vladimir Radmanovic, the list goes on. The Bobcats are as close to a scrap heap as you will find. The only thing we find remotely interesting about this team is the looming possibility of another trip to the Island of Misfit Hoopsters. Stay tuned.

Miami Heat

As a longtime fan of the Miami Heat, I will be following their every move. Every twitpic of Michael Beasley, every 2010 rumor, every Dwyane Wade 50 point game to put away a team they should beat without Wade. And I will comment as I see fit, with no rhyme or reason other than this is the team I am interested in.

Orlando Magic

Would the Nets have traded Vince Carter to the Magic for Hedo Turkoglu straight up at any point during last season? Yes. Would the Magic? Doubtful. So what makes Vince Carter so appealing to the Magic fresh off a run to the Finals? We are not sure. They guy has shown up to a grand total of one dunk contest, a few college games and one Olympic Games. (on a side note, I wish Carter and Gary Payton would bring back the mini-afros they grew that summer) Other than that he has racked up quite the postage bill mailing in performances from around the globe.
We have all heard how he will be extra motivated because he will get to live in the house he owns just down the road from Tiger Woods, but nobody really believes he will actually show up for every game of the season. He will mail some in. Its just that simple. So we have decided to track the postage bill that he accumulates during the year. For example, first class postage for a 12 oz package from Oklahoma City to Orlando? $3.09. Maybe he just sends a postcard from Minnesota, $0.28. How he choses to send his "mailed in" performance depends on how big of an envelope he needs to pass the stink bomb onto the hometown fans. If he crack $20.00 worth of postage, Magic fans might want to start looking for a paper sack and some matches.

Washington Wizards

The Wizards have failed to live up to expectations since they tried to distance themselves from the the name Bullets and DC/Baltimore area crime. The reason they haven't lived up to those expectations is because of injuries, injuries and more injuries. They have yet to play any real big stretch of games with all their guys healthy on the court. Some call it bad luck, but we know different. You can try and leave a life of crime but it just won't let you. We call this The Curse of the Baltimore Bullets. The bullets, and injures, are going to keep flying until the Wiz make amends. Many professional analysts have the Wiz making a return to prominence and the playoffs. We've got them dealing with more injuries.